The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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It's been a whole host of things really, but for the most part it's been a million times better than living with active alcholism in the home. I have been struggling though of late and didn't know how, or if I could write and say I am struggling here, because I don't want to come across as ungreatful when this is a miracle in it's self. My husband who is the A and does'nt work a programme, but goes to AA now and then, and on the nights he chooses not to go, we do something together instead, which is nice because that's what I alway's dreamed of, but it's started to become a kind of threat, I feel under presuure to do something wether I feel like it or not, and I am scared that if I don't he'll say I gave AA up for you tonight, when in my heart I alway's feel it's in his best interest to go, if he asks me what I think he should do, I always say, go to your group it's good for you. Anyway we had a great weekend just gone, and we finished it by having a take away indian on Sunday evening, there was some left so I cling filmed it as I alway's do and put it in the fridge, I then went up to bed alone, and I lay reflecting about our weekend and how far we'd come, and I was even thinking how the ism's are dissapearing too, wow, so I knodded off and then I was awoken by my husband in the middle of the night,and he said what have you done with that curry? So I said, it's in the fridge, he said I don't like mine in the fridge it dries it up, I said well what with the weather being so hot with meat in the dish it wouldn't be safe to leave it out, he said what about the nan bread, I said everything is wrapped and in the fridge, he wasn't happy, he went on and on, in the end I said Oh for Pete's sake if your not happy just go take your's out, so he did, I couldn't sleep after that, I thought hell where did that come from, I was so upset in the morning and wondering what should I do if he forgets and leaves his meal in the hot conservertory window, should I let it fry, would that be spiteful? should I move it, would that be controlling, anyway I was up first next day and I told him, you really upset me over this food biusiness ya know, he said oh, I don't know why, so he did no more than put his meal back in the fridge, I said I thought you didn't like it in the fridge, oh it'll be ok now he said it's not going to be in that long anyway, is that an ism or what? I guess fear surrounds this instance for me because food and meal times were a complete nightmare when he was actively drinking, I have been trying to come to terms with how best to cope in these situations and so I went to Alanon last evening and I put up the slogons on the wall myself, half way through live and let live fell down with a bang, and then let go and let god, I am taking that as a sign that my hp is trying to help me, I feel so much better today, I cannot do this on my own, I had a little chat with my husband last night and my son, my husband said, I wish I had packed up drinking years ago, but I never thought I had a problem with it!
My husband just made it through his 1st year of sobriety. I have been so excited and happy for him as well! Sometimes I have had a hard time coming in here to "vent" as well, b/c then I feel like I am not being grateful for the miracle, like you! I am not sure the "isms" ever go completely away! You are right--things seem to be going well and smooth, and then "BAM" you're blindsided by something, that shouldn't be a big deal--or at least in my head shouldn't be a big deal. No-these "blindsidings" aren't as bad as the drinking/drugging ones, but they are still painful--probably b/c we are guarded and sensitive just b/c of the history!
Good luck with dealing with sobriety--it is easier than active alcoholism, but it is still pretty difficult at times!!
Thankyou Dawn, and best wishes to you too, I borrowed a little book from Alanon last night, entitled, living With Sobriety, another beginning, it's ever so good, when things are going well for us, I feel I can go it alone, but that's when I need Alanon most, it also makes me very clingy again, when I don't go, just getting myself to a meeting gives me confidence to grow, and allows my husband to have his space, I love this bit:- from the book.
Maturity
I think mature people make the best parteners, and most of the people that live happily with other people have descovered several mature attitudes. They have a willingness and grace to offer eachother courtesy, kindness and acceptence,they are not crushed by the weight of each other's moods or depression, they resist the temptation to offer sloutions for thier loved one's problems or make decisions for them, they do not depend on each other for emotional stability, they make allowances for each other's interests and hobbies, they share thier belongings, responsibilities, freedom to express thier feelings, trust time and effort, and comfortable silences, they are happy being together or by themselves, they are not trying to be all things to all people!
One thing that I found to be a life saver, living with an A, both active and sober (and in all other parts of my life, now I think about it) is "How important is it?" Sometimes you just have to shrug, think "Wonder what that was all about?" and go on with your day.
it is very easy for those of us who are wives and mothers to fall into the trap of thinking that it is our job to make sure that everything goes smoothly for everybody - if someone is not perfectly happy we take it as a reflection on us. It isn't, though, it's just life. If he doesn't want his food in the fridge, he can take it out. Nothing to do with you, none of your business.
I find that I have finally developed a bit of an opaque surface - I tend to let most things just bounce off of me. In reality, laying on the floor is where they belong - most of them were not aimed at me anyway! If something IS aimed at me, the person who has a problem with me will keep throwing barbs - time enough to pick them up when there have been lots of them, and I am sure they really are pointed.
When my husband was drinking, he always used to say "stop taking everything so personally - it's not ABOUT you". I didn't really know what he meant, in fact it took a few years of his sobriety and my program to figure it out. It really IS not about me.
