The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok so my husband I chatted this morning when he called me from work. He says he knows he has a problem but just not sure how to take care of the problem. He don't want AA or Rehab. He wants to try on his own. Now for 9 years he has tried to quit on his own. It never works!! He's got every excuse as possible (as A's do) not to get into some type of program. I told him that those were his choices not mine to make. I want him to get help and from the sounds of it don't look like he's even going to try. I'm so torn....I told him he has to get some kinda help or the kids and I can't live with him anymore. I told him ther were no more threats. This is for real. I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't want ourt children to deal with it either. My husband had a rough life growing up being that both mom and dad were addicts. We just recently had decided that his parents were not healthy for us or our children. They are not come over or try to contact us. So why should it make it Ok for us to stay here with him? He's not healthy for me and my children. This kids just adroe ther father and I don't want them to hurt. If I stay they will hurt if I go they will hurt. I just wish this would just all go away so we can have a normal life. I know it won't happen just wishful thinking. I know what i need. Take care of myself right? It's just toooo damn hard. I love the man very much. I just know that things will never change. He can tell me over and over again that he's done drinking. That does not mean anything to me anymore. I don't trust him anymore when it comes to drinking.
I sure know what you mean about trust. I just can't do it either. I don't know if I ever will. I am going to do what I have to for me and the kids, just as soon as I figure out what that is.
Keep to your program. That is helping me through.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yep... looks like you've pretty much hit the nail on the head.... Have you ever read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews? I would highly recommend it, as in a nutshell, it teaches us that "if we really love them, we will get ourselves healthy". It is an awesome book, and was a virtual lifesaver for me.
Remember that most A's, initially at least, are looking for the path of least resistance. He is at a spot in his "recovery" (I use that term loosely), where he wants to do the bare minimum to keep his life in order, including appeasing those around him, etc. In my experience, I would guess that in the next short time period, he will begin to "feel you out" to find out exactly what that minimum requirement would be, and he will resist formal commitments to anything - preferring instead to stick to generalities and word promises.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are right, you do need to take care of yourself and your children. That is where Al-Anon comes in. It will help you to see your part in the situation and learn that we are sicker than the alcoholic because of our behavior. We aren't aware of that until we learn it from going to meetings and reading the literature and books. Alcoholism is a disease of attitudes and it is most likely that your husband will not be able to handle his without a program. You said he has tried for 9 years and it hasn't helped. I don't know if you are familiar with Al-Anon, but it has 12 steps and 12 traditions that we use and the first one is: we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. You can substitute the word "alcohol" for "anyone else", or whatever fits. That is what use as there is sobriety in my home, but the attitudes are still there. I learned from going to Al-Anon to keep my nose out of other peoples business. We all have choices even if we don't approve of each others behavior or activity. That is when we practice to "Live and Let Live" or "Let Go And Let God". The slogans are very helpful.
When my AH started going to AA. He was still drnking and hiding it. Very well I might add. He did enought to make it look good so I wouldn't leave with the kids. I worked for a while and then he gt real bad and ended up in rehab. Take care of you and the kids. You are the only parent they have right now. That was a hard one for me. I know it is all very hard and alot to deal with. He won't be ready to get sober until he decides it is time. That one was even harder for me to watch him slowly kill himself.
My Ah acted just like that. It's eight years later...and he's removed from the home due to work and he STILL hurts the kids. He tells them he will come see them and doesn't. It seems like the kids always get hurt. I am over protective but I can't protect their hearts. That hurts the worst of all. I don't know how old your children are but talk with them. They can understand certain things. I'm sorry you and those sweet children have to go through this. You are in my prayers sweetie. ^i^
I feel the hurt if you stay hurt if you go thing! I struggled with that but finally realized that he was hurting the oldest more than he was loving the youngest and the middle one could go either way. After being away for a year the oldest still says she doesn't miss him and is glad he's gone. The middle one waffles back and forth and the youngest has gotten to the point that he barely even mentions him anymore. He has gone down his path (which led to many nightmares and finally prison) and I have gone down mine which is still changing day by day. I can't offer any advice, only you know what the best thing is for you and your kids. Just know that others have felt the same and things have a way of working out no matter what.
The stay /go stuff to me is a double bind. I sat in that for years. I beat myself up over that for years. I do know if you stick around here you'll learn some tools. Detaching is one of them. When they start the doing the least resistance stuff you learn to pick up on it. I had so so so much hope for the a for years. Now I see him going to jail. I also had hope even recently that if he left certain influences i.e. people things would improve. They did not.
I do know for me the more I came here the easier it got to take care of me. The less the dramarama affected me although of course it did affect me tremendously and I am and will always be devastated by the A's actins.
Alcoholism takes a toll. Al anon can help. I am glad you are here.
