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He was here for the kids for 2 days, called for 2 days and then nothing. He told me Sat. that they can call him. They are children 12,8 and 4 who have and are suffering a huge loss. This is a crisis. He is their father. HE LIVES 2 BLOCKS AWAY AND WORKS 2 BLOCKS AWAY. Why the hell should it be their responsibility to call him? He is with a woman who doesn't have kids and true to his sickness he has warped into who he hangs out with. Sure enough, he listens to whatever others tell him. I despise him. I so want to call him or mail him and give him a dose of reality. But I don't know if I should. I am the only one who ever has and it's not that he listens to me any more. He is crazy and sick. And it's not like me doing that would change anything. I can't even offer for him to come see the kids as I have no one to supervise and he won't be here with me. Yeah, he says he is scared of me (125 pounds) tying him up in my basement LOLOLOL and he's serious. I have never despised someone so completly in all my life. The thing is he was a good dad if you can believe it. Yeah, a mentally ill crackhead was a good dad. When he was warped into me and being a dad, being a family. The kids love him so very much despite the fact that he has abandonded them over and over. And I wish he could see that. Why the hell can he not just get over himself and be there for the kids when they need him so badly? If he is so sane and working his program like he says. Afterall, isn't that all I have to believe? I mean, I don't know that he is using or not on meds, maybe he is. Then what could possibly be keeping him from being a good, deceant father that he used to want to be? I need him to be a dad and help me thru this with the kids. It's not right that he isn't and he is doing sooooo well and he thinks that him not seeing the kids is all my fault. So what if it is? See them now. Here's his oppurtunity. How could he hate me so much that he harms the kids? I mean, he has moved on so who cares about me? He is so well I couldn't possibly pose a threat. Oh this started to get to me last night when he didn't call again and my 4 year old is sobbing and our grief counclior is sick and had to reschedual and I just don't know what to do or say to this baby anymore as she can't verbalize why she is crying. She stubbed her toe and cried for a half an hour. I haven't had a break from her, she doesn't have any other friends she is close to to come over and distract her like the bigger kids do. My mom would typically be the one to take her when the big girls had friends over and they would go play. Or her dad. Now, it's just me and we play but I am trying to watch over the other kids, deal with myself and all my feelings and play with her and deal with her feelings. It's getting to be a bit much and there is no logical reason I can see for Mr. Normal NOT to be here with her or all of them. I really, really despise him. He told my best friend that he thought I was lying about the whole situation and he didn't want to come over to my house as then he would be giving in and I would think I won. WHAT? A child died, his children witnessed it. Who gives a flying fig about me? Honestly. And she was a child he knew, a child he was close to and he didn't go to the calling hours or anything. His family was close to this child and her brother and her father and none of them showed up. My ex MIL the shaman, the spiritual wonder of her household, the forgiving, understanding, full of love and light (since she got her shaman degree from Toronto in the mail) couldn't go and give some support and magic or herbs or whatever to this grieving family? She couldn't put herself aside for her grandaughters and call to impart upon them her wisdom that she claims to have? She has said she has almost all the answers and she knows what is best so how can I be so hated that they can't comfort my little children? Why should this have anything to do with me? I am not that evil. I have made mistakes, I have said some really stupid lies and made bad choices and I have mostly apologized for them. So has everyone else on the planet. I am no better or worse than anyone. Why should my children be punished for the stupidity and selfishness of adults? OK done.
Why would you EVER say "I'm not that evil"? You're not evil AT ALL. You're a mom whose heart is breaking for the child lost, the little girl's family, and your own children, who have lost a friend and are now missing their father. How could you be evil by trying to take care of your kids and be there for your friend?
It's so sad that your children are having to face the unfairness of the world at such a young age. And what really hurts is that there is nothing you can do to protect them from it, other than be there for them when they cry. When you say that there is "no logical reason" for their father not to be there, you've hit it right on the head. Logic and addiction do not coexist. And remember also that this is a progressive disease - the fact that he was a good father before, and I believe you when you say that he was, is being taken over by the alcohol and drugs. If he's still using, the need for his 'weapons of choice' are way stronger than his desire to be a good dad, or a good person, for that matter. If he's not using, but not following a program, the behaviors won't change. My A has the mental illness going on, too, so I never know if I'm talking to the drunk or the manic-depressive, but either way, it's all about him. Exhausting and frustrating, but that's why the board is here. Keep coming back! Praying for you, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
You can not expect their father to start being someone different, he's just not going to be what you hoped for.
Some men can not handle a death and he may not know what to do, then again..he may not care (I don't know). It's not his fault this little girl passed away and you are expecting more from him now that she has. You can't. Because he wasn't there to start with. See what I'm saying? It's like squeezing a rock for blood. He just isn't going to change. I understand you wanting to give him a dose of reality, I can so relate. But it will fall on deaf ears. He may see this as "your" problem or your family's problem and not his. Your children do need him and I wish he was there for them. I wish you could change everything. ^i^
I hope you can find peace and restore it in your house. I believe children should not be involved in adult type issues and it can scar their adulthood. Much love and peace to you.
In my experience A's and addicts are all about one person and it isn't their children. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this on your own, enlist some of your girl friends or guy friends or family to come in and spend some time with your children. Nothing says it has to be their dad who supports them! I think that was the hardest thing for me to grasp is that I can't expect anything of anyone else. I can't expect normal rational behavior. A frog is a frog and just because you wish it doesn't mean he'll turn into a prince. I still struggle with these expectations here and there but now I usually just expect the frog to be a frog and if he acts like a prince for a moment I still remember he's a frog inside!
Serendipity, you know there's nothing you can do about THEM. Just remindin' ya :) .
If you have an ideal in your head about what your kids need you have to give it to them yourself. The actions of your A tell you everything you need to know about what he's going to do for them, and yes, get it out and vent.
Maybe if I just took what people DO or DID and relied on that rather than anything else, as opposed to how they SHOULD act, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm trying to clean up.
I'm learning that there are things about me that I can trust myself to do 100%, and in those areas I feel peace and joy in my life. The areas where I'm still waiting for someone else to wake up and smell the coffee . . . well, that's where I'm miserable.
I'm glad you're getting this out, be easy on your precious self right now, you're going through A LOT of stuff that is truly beyond your control and scary and hard. You take good care of our Serendipity, OK???? Kim
