The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On one hand I was glad to get the I'm sorry and I will start today. It'll take a little time to ease off safely, he says and I say, you will need some medicine or medical assistance now. He just nods....... very proud, private, non responsive and functioning A.
BUT then I wonder..... start what? Cutting back like he said 2 yrs ago to MD, or agreeing 1 year ago with fam. therapist that he'd feel so much better if he didn't drink. And I read here how so many have been disappointed in unkept promises and how the disease fights them so hard. Torn between hope, reality and know already, I am thinking about him more & should be going on with focus on me & taking care of me.
My younger teens, are just now starting to ask more questions and the college kids - angry, frustrated, exasperated with him can't wait to move out again for school. At first I wanted to tell the older kids, he is trying........... but now starting to see that maybe I need to stop talking about it, reassuring them that I will be ok etc. Actions will speak louder than any of my words and some words could become broken promises about the A. It's out of my control except for my own recovery by coming here and to meetings.
Am I on the right path? to just tell the kids nothing but answer their questions? Thanks for helping me figgure this out!
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You nicely described the "compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body." He will not think his way out of this and neither will you. If he could he would have and therefore so would have you. This is a disease; a cunning, powerful and baffling disease. When it rages it has no compassion for it's victims. It will ware him and the family down and then it will try to kill you.
I sooo know what it's like to hear and make the "promises" all the while knowing that I didn't have a snowballs chance in hell without help.
I hope and pray he reaches out for help cause before I did that I knew I was crazy and near death and I just didn't want to die crazy and alone.
Let HP do it. Turn him over completely and dive into this program of recovery for yourself. For the young adults in your family there is Al-Anon and Alateen. Please check these support/recovery groups out; it could save your life as it did mine.
My kids were young teens when my husband sobered up. We had a pretty frank talk with them when he went into rehab, and then left it up to them to ask questions. We let them know that he was trying, but that it is a serious disease, and no promises could be made. Occasionally, if I learned something useful about alcoholism that I thought the kids would benefit from knowing, i passed it on. Tried for the most part to keep it impersonal - not "your dad is blah blah" but rather "sometimes alcoholics find it hard to blah blah" As much as possible sent them to HIM with their questions, unless I knew for sure he was deep in denial about something and would feed them a line of bull.
My kids were deeply reassured by seeing us both go to meetings, and spend time in the program online. The drama of their younger years almost completely disappeared, and even though things were not always smooth, they could see us trying to work out problems rationally. Kids are pretty self centered, and as long as they feel secure, they can pretty much leave their parents' problems alone. If they can see that their dad's problems are not making YOU crazy, they can just stop worrying about it, and they do.
There is a fifteen year old girl that posts here and she is so hurt that her father is an A. I wish you could speak with her. Maybe she will see this post and respond.
Just from my experience with my mother and brother. I get tired of hearing about it. All the broken promises now go in one ear and out the other. After so much time has gone by and nothing has happend I've come to realize that nothing is ever going to change.
FYI...an addict can NOT wean himself down. You are right that he will need medical attention because they can go into seizures. It's very serious.
I think you are on the right path...ONLY...because your children are much older and probably have their plates full with their own lives. What about a sit down dinner to discuss everything? I agree I wouldn't get filled with hope as of yet. Pray, pray, pray for this man.
This is always a tough one, but wherever/whenever possible, try to keep your interactions with your kids about you and them, and allow them to have whatever relationship or questions about their father - good, bad, or in between - with him. You cannot be responsible for their relationship with their father. All you can do is reassure them of YOUR relationship with them, that you love them, and that you are there for them.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have asked this question myself, although my daughter is younger than your kids. My sponsor gave me this gem that I wanted to share with you. ~Tell them the truth. When we lie to our kids, we teach them not to trust their instincts.~ That helped me so much. Sometimes telling the truth means admitting that we honestly don't know how things will turn out.
When I was a teen and overwhelmed with worry about some of the addicts in my life, my mother told me that you can always have hope. I think I was codependent since I was about six years old (smile), so saying that without alanon, didn't really help at the time. But, putting that in the perspective now, with some recovery under my belt, it makes sense. I can hope for all the best to be showered on my loved ones, especially those addicted. I can hope and at the same time, I can detach. I am finding now even with love.
Another thing that always comes up for me when I think of the children affected by alcholism, is to tell them over and over and over and over, that none of this is their fault. I was blamed alot as a kid for creating problems with my mother and her addicted spouse. Now I see, that I was just calling the pink elephant for what it was, a big ole pink elephant.
I am speaking only from my experience. I hope something here can help.
Take good care of yourself! Keep your recovery first. It will only help with your kids!!!
Thank you all for your ideas. There are so many questions especially at first or maybe always. This place is such a lifeline for those questions that come to us at any hour of the day and night. I am attending alanon....let's see, only 4 to 5 meetings so far. I learn so much and yet realize even more how much there is to learn. Thanks again to all!!
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
