The material presented
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Well, just like many others who come to Alanon... I came here to save my life, and if possible, save my marriage.
I guess one out of 2 ain't bad. ;)
For those who don't know the story, we seperated almost a year ago when I decided that I could no longer live with the active drinking. It was not really an ultimatum.... but sure sounded like one I am sure. I came to a decission of what I would and would not do...
I would go to councelling and group sessions and aa/alanon meetings (whatever it takes to deal with the personality and relationship issues) with someone who is sober, and I won't subject myself or our son to living with that any other way.
She has held steadfast, that the personality and relationship issues ... are why she drinks. So we have been at a standstill with this for over a year, and I am tired... I have my meetings and reading and you wonderful people and I think that I could possibly keep from killing her and myself for a long time with your support and stay seperated/married... but I have made a decission not to.
I love my wife, I have loved her for almost half my life... and likely I will love her til I die. I love her to much to keep playing into the fanticy that I will eventually change my mind and all this will go away.
She doesn't understand, and never will understand how I feel about all this while she is drinking every day. I don't fault her for that... just wish it was different.
Another family member has said that it looks like something drastic would have to happen in order for her to reach her bottom. I could do nothing but shake my head. Lost her house, her husband, her kids, most of her money.... yep, they might be right.
Although I have come to the decission to divorce all for me, because I have a desire to live my life differently... there is still a tiny voice inside me that says "... maybe a side-effect of this will be some strange realization and she will get help". I hope so...
Over the past 6 months... I found myself praying for her a different way...
God, grant her the serenity to accept that she can't change me... the courage to change the things she can... and the wisdom to know the difference....
So... This past weekend we talked of divorce, not as a hammer to club each other with... but an open door to try and step out of the nut house. Of course, even though she has mentioned it thousands of times over the last few years.... she is crushed. But... strangely calm about it.
Just like the decission to seperate... I feel very at peace with it. It is sad, its not how I ever thought this would turn out... but I know that it is what I need.
I can't thank you all enough for being here for me over the last couple of years, and this is not the end... it's just the end of the begining. The rest.... well I will share it with you as it goes...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
A very tough decision to make, and a very bittersweet post. It's so sad to realize that the love we offer seems like it isn't enough, and so hard to understand that it's the disease that's demanding more, not the person you fell in love with. I'm at least happy to see that you are both dealing with it calmly, especially for the sake of your son. If the decision to separate was in his best interest, the decision for you both to act like mature adults is commendable, and probably easier to do on your part than hers. You at least have your program and your alanoners to support you. That support is there for her as well, if she realizes what she is losing and chooses to reach out. I hope that she does, for all three of your sakes, but if not, there can still be joy in your life - you know that when you look at your little boy. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
for so many of us the decision to separate and move on takes years. that is one reaosn I hate to be clubbed over the head with ultimatums from others. For me its been a progression. At some point it is obvious there is no future. For me to give up hope was incredible. I had such hope for him and his life.
I am so sad for you and your wife at the same time I am envious of your serenity. I also ache for you. I know you have tried beyond trying and looked to every tool you can use. I also know that you have said what you can and can't live with.
I know my limits these days. That is one joyful side effect of al anon for me there are limits There were none before.
(((((rtexas)))), Just wanted to send you a big ((((((((((hug))))))))). You are a wonderful example of putting recovery first in your life. Be gentle with yourself and keep us close.
I know I have benefitted so much from your posts and your feedback rtexas, I hope during whatever comes we can give back to you what you've lovingly given. Lotsa hugs too. Kim :)
taking care of us is not easy , especailly if u still love them but soemtimes l ove is just not enough to save a marriage . It says in our literature that Love will not survive with out Justice , it took me awhile to understand that statement but today I know if I can't get back what i am willing to give . it just wont' work . I have friends who divorced due to alcoholism many yrs ago , he finally found sobritey several yrs later and they have remarried . so ya never know what Gods gonna . in the meantime Live , this is not a dress rehersel this is it . Louise
I just finished my divorce paperwork today and faxed it over to the attorney. It has taken me six years to sit on this desision. It doesn't come easy. I believed in my vows. But even in the bible it says about addiction is cause for divorce. It sucks and I hate it's this way but there can be no other positive way out of it. I have to be happy and I am ripping myself off if I stay in a dead end relationship. I know I am a good wife, good mother, good person, though stubborn at times. Someone out there wants to be with someone like me, they want to love me and I really need that love back. My HP has been pointing me in this direction for years but my free will has over ruled his choice for me. I have to believe things will be better. This is the beginning. :)
brother, you've been here for me since day 1. you've shown me a couple of things that really mattered ~~ i could continue to love my wife, from a safe distance away from the aism/denial ~~ if i let my boundaries keep slipping, neither of us had a chance ~~ regardless of her or anyone else's thoughts, feelings, and emotions, I needed to refind my life, my goals, my joy
all of this has been transforming my life. i am quite at peace. there are still minor court issues, but that all pales in comparison to the serenity and genuine joy i enjoy, today. i still have hope that my wife will find a better today, yet know that she can only gain that on her own... her work... her pain to go through... her emotions... hers... it will happen in her time... the opportunity to choose a different life came and passed by, with me... she chose beer/addiction... whether that was because of her FEAR or the by the pull of addiction, it was her choice... and today, i can still lover her, and think that i am worth more than what life she was offering me.
with love, your friend cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
But even in the bible it says about addiction is cause for divorce.
Really? Where in the bible does it say that addiction is cause for divorce? I would really like to know...(the specific SCRIPTURE, not vague gossip about what people "say" is in the Bible)
I study the bible pretty thoroughly and I seem to have missed this scripture, please share it with me!
((((((((((((((RTexas))))))))))))))))))
I have read of your long struggles to keep your family together, while still recovering, I hope and pray that you make the best choices for you and your children in such difficult circumstances.
I will share some ESH that really helped me in my divorce. My lawyer kept saying, "It is a DIVORCE, not a death, if you change your mind...you can ALWAYS MARRY EACH OTHER AGAIN!". Divorce is only as final as YOU want it to be. There is no law against remarrying a former spouse.
That really helped me a lot to go through with it.
We never did get back together, but it was nice at the time to know we had that option.
Ironically I know quite a few people who remarried their former spouse after a divorce (althouth this is a VERY expensive way to deal with a serious disagreement!) and they are happier than ever since they seem to understand each others boundaries the second time around, and they know exactly what they are getting into...and love each other enough to get into it again anyway.
Whatever happens...I will pray for your happiness and that of your children.
Hugs and blessings to you RTexas! I echo others here that your story shared has taught me many things in a short time already. Keep coming back as I know you will have support, as you continue your journey, from these warm, kind folks like yourself. Take good care of you!!
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hate so much that the disease is continually bringing so much pain in your life and in your family's life. But I am glad that you are focusing on taking care of you and the positive things in your life.
Will keep you & your family in my thoughts in prayers as you walk thru this tough path.
Wishing you Serenity & Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
golly this change sounds like its come after considerable thought re change and what change means to you and what it could be and how it is then, for you. You sound considerate to both and to all of your needs and what else can one do.
may the force be with you dear one. Regards, getoverit
I wish all the best for you. You have the most amazing posts and have helped me tremendously through out my journey w/my AH. I hope that you can find the peace and serenity you so deserve. You are an angel and I hope you realize that.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this! You have been an amazing example to the rest of us here! I hope we can give you back the comfort, support, and encouragement you need at this time. I also hope things continue along smoothly--as much as possible!!
