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The final papers have been sent in to the attorney this morning (faxed) so the ball is rolling. Anyone divorce an alcoholic who thinks he's done nothing wrong? What should I expect? Any advice about the kids? I'm going to not get them involved in adult problems. I am going to ask for supervised visitations and they will probably have them in the nanny house which he has to pay for. I hate to do that but there is no other way to protect them. I don't know if he will throw us out or not, I really don't know. I'll be prepared though. If I have to stay in my minivan I will by gawd. So what attitude would you have? He's going to get mean, nasty and hateful. Any ESH would be good. Thank you. mwah
My prayers are with you to stay calm and collected. Listen to your attorney and plan to make several trips to court to get what you want. If you can try and detach emotionally from him (AH) that would be your best protection from his anger and manipulation. This is business now not about love, bring your hurt and pain to those who are gentle and loving with you. Keep your game face on with him because his tactics might be very relentless and hurtful. HP will guide you to victory.
Peace and joy to you and those precious babes, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I cannot improve on twinmom's words, but I do want you to know that you and the little ones will be in my prayers. I send you positive energy to sustain you and quietude to relax your mind and self. Keep us informed.
Best of wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you girls. I will think of this as business as you said twinmom. I am detached emotionally from him already. I've had alot of years to work on that. ;) Thank you Diva dear.
I understand what it is like dealing w/a A that feels like none of the rotten things going on are his fault. My AH takes his anger out on me these days. Yesterday, when I was fussing about having to store bedroom furniture that belongs to his mom in my shed b/c we were the last to use it, he said, in the most hateful tone, that not everything is about me and that I need to start thinking about others for once. Well, I lost it, as I have been doing more and more lately. I told him that I haven't thought about myself in a really long time and it is about time that I start. I ended the phone call with that too. Who needs that crap anyway.
Good luck to you in dealing w/your A. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hey Friend, I haven't been through divorce ....yet... but I liked what was said in the previous posts: it's not about love, it's about business, keep your gameface on... stay calm and cool to him, don't react. This attitude/demenaor, esp. in court if you have to go, will definitely help you. I will pray that you have grace to deal with the difficult circumstances ahead and that God will give you the protection from his words and the graceful and right words to reply to him... and let's pray for him, that maybe he'll get a grip and will be civil and decent through this... who knows? Miracles happen... I'll pray for that for you. Bless you and the children... peace be with you! big hugs, Lee Ann p.s. I'm proud of you for your courage and strength - you inspire me!!
I don't think he will ever "get it". Maybe he will be good with someone else. There is just too much damage with us. It's beyond repair. I just hope we can be decent. I know I can as long as he doesn't hurt or let down the kids.
QOD, I hear ya. We don't need it. I may be single forever and that's ok but I will NEVER go through crap for a man again. NEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRR! ;)
I went through a VERY simliar divorce and here is my ESH:
1) DON'T TALK TO HIM AT ALL!!!! Amicable divorces are few and far between with people who are healthy and sober, they are impossible with an irrational addict. All it wll do is give him more chances to jerk your chain and keep you upset. GO THROUGH YOUR LAWYER for all communication, that is what he is for.
2) Unfortunately, you are gonna have to let go some of your control issues!!! I don't care what you think of his parenting skills, or how he "let's down the kids" and you want to protect them from emotional hurt. He is their Dad and that is all the judge looks at. Kids don't pick their parents and most parents are imperfect and make mistakes. If the judge sees that you think he is the only one who makes mistakes and you are perfect it will likely not go well for you. If you go into court acting like you are super mom (even though we both know you are!) and you never "let down your kids" and he is the villian you will sort of lose some credibility! And some visitation. Judges look only at FACTS, has he been abusive to the kids? And, don't bring any charges you cant substantiate...if he has driven drunk with the kids bring in witnesses. Remember, stick to facts the JUDGE will care about. Don't try to control custody like you call the shots...you DON'T, the judge does.
The best way to get on the judge's good side and appear as the rational sane one is to stick to facts and then ASK humble for what you want, full custody, supervised visitation. Leave out out emotional issues, like you don't want him to let the kids down again.
3) I can't emphasize enough not talking to him, he will likely be DESPERATE to talk to you, you are taking back your personal control. He will want a chance to screw with your head and jerk your chain. Don't bother.
Once the decision has been made to divorce, DIVORCE, and that means talking through your laywer. Avoid all of the divorce drama, which sadly, means that sometimes women are hurt of killed by addicts they are trying to divorce. The addict knows all of his dirty laundry will be aired in court and they are desperate to keep that from happening.
4) This is a dangerous time for the kids. He will likely see a lawyer and his lawyer may end up being a slimy snake and tell him to somehow get the kids. If he somehow gets physical custody and pulls himsellf together and does a good job, he may get joint custody. He only has to say he is sorry for neglecting them in the past and this divorce has "woken" him up to what he should do and he is in recovery (whether he is or not) and wanting to be a Dad now. Until there is a court order, both of you have full legal access to the kids, and if he goes to their school and takes them home, he has done nothing legally wrong. He does not have to bring them back to you either. Your agreement now is verbal and infomral if I remember correctly, there are a lot of slimy lawyers around who give sneaky "bad for kids" advice.
Go to their school and tell your neighbors you are going through a hard divorce and that you are worried he may try to get the kids and to keep an eye on things and call you if he shows up and you are not home, espeically their school. DON'T tell the kids this!!! Scaring them like this and involving them in horrible drama can haunt you later in court.
Take the high road and don't talk to your kids about him at all, except that you ALSO wonder why he is not coming to see them. If you are honest with them about his issues, it may fare badly for you in court. These are grownup matters not suitable for a healthy parent to discuss with a child in the COURT'S eyes (alanon does not run the court system).
When they vent their frustrations with you about him not coming to see them, simply say you don't understand why he does not come either.
Be prepared for a rough ride. My exhusband never cared or visited our daughter (for FOUR YEARS) until I divorced him, then I got the shock of my life when he fought me for custody! It is control...and a tool they use to try and jerk you around by using their only hold on you...kids.
My heart goes out to you, think carefully and get a good lawyer. Go to your local's woman shelter and get a referral to a lawyer exeperienced in divorces involving addicts (who are often abusive).
Are you prepared for the aftermath of a divorce? Like him getting visitation with them and you are not around to look out for them? He may drive drunk with them...
Then he may get a slimy lowlife girlfriend who will be around your kids for entire weekends during his visitation. You will lose a LOT of your control. He will get to visit them and take them to his place and have them around his friends and if he is still drinking, you don't know what kind of people they will be.
When your kids are older who knows what influence he will have on them? They may chose to live with him since he is likely more permissive and they can get into more trouble with him.
I am not scaring you, only informing you. I am not one of those alanoners who thinks ignorance is bliss. In my more than two decades in alanon I have just heard too many heartbreaking stories of divorces that turned out bad for the kids as the addict then had access to the kids with the Mom not around to look out for them.
Just go into this with your eyes open..."count the cost" as the Bible says...
I got divorced some 20 years ago. I know the process was pretty hard on me and there was very little to be decided. My exhusband got nasty at some point. I was heavily into 12step then that helped. Then he started going to all the meetings I went to and hanging out at the recovery center I went to. So I would suggest expect the unexpected. They do not do well with separation and divorce.
I have plenty of witness' to his behavior and driving drunk plus they can look on his long record and it shows his past. He also has a fourteen year old son he never see's and does not pay child support on. He is also seventy-five thousand in arrears for child support from a one night stand and has never seen that child. (all works in my favor) he has a history with domestic violence against me (again in my favor) He has NO friends or family that will be on his side or testify anything. He is working under the table and hiding from the law. I seriously doubt he will get shared visitations. I appreciate all your input and I got alot from it. I'm expecting the worst. He could go off the deep end and kill us. I don't put that past him and neither does my family. Time will tell. :) Thank you again. mwah
I disagree with the advice of not telling the kids that you do not want their dad picking them up without you or your permission. I have told my son,10, if Daddy or anybody else comes to pick you up and you do not know they are picking you up, you are to have the person in charge of you call me. In "normal" families both parents know where or who their children are supposed to be with at all times. Since you are the primary caregiver, it is not unreasonable to expect your children to tell you who has come to pick them up without your knowledge. It will not be held against you if the rule applies evenly to everyone.
Evey, You lost me hun. No one picks my kids up. The school can not let them go with anyone but me. There is no way the courts would allow him to drive with them. I don't remember saying anything about this topic. Did I miss something?? :) sorry.
He's going to get mean, nasty and hateful. Any ESH would be good. Thank you. mwah
