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Hello everyone. My name is Silvana and my husband is an alcoholic. Unfortunately he don't thinks so. :( I'm going crazy over here and Can't take it anymore. My husband Really is a wonderful person and a wonderful father to our 2 small children. He get's mad when I threaten to leave him. He thinks there are other reasons why I want to leave. He just don't believe the only reason why I would leave him is because of his drinking. That's all we argue about. I used to say man one day while drinking and driving he's going to get pulled over and go to jail then realize he needs to stop. Well he finally did get his first dui after 7 years of marriage. This was now about 2 years ago. Then of course the whole feeling sorry for himself and that NOW he was done drinking. He went on and off since then. But this summer things started to get worse again. He's drinking more and more. He not abusive (sometimes verbally) just very abnoxious and embarassing. Today he didn't go to work because of the fact that he drank yesterday. This has never happened before and I was always greatful for that. I'm sure he'll have an excuse why and not blame the drinking. He realy needs help and after talking to his family this morning I think we may do an intervention. What do you guys think about that?
Hi Silvana, and welcome to MIP. You have found a place where people understand and care. I hope you will visit this site often.
"Obnoxious and embarrassing." I can relate to those two descriptive words!! My own A is a binge drinker...once every six months to a year he takes his three day "vacation" and nearly kills himself. I have finally learned to toss him out when he decides to binge, as he is so obnoxious and embarrassing I do not want him around. Otherwise he is a charming, loving, gentle, kind man who works his heart out with me renovating our historic home here in San Antonio, TX.
Have you attended AlAnon meetings in your area? If not, you should. AlAnon is an enormous help to anyone who suffers the consequences of an addicted person's actions. I do not agree with all their tenets, but there is a slogan in AlAnon, "Take what you like and leave the rest," so that's what I do.
About intervention; I have no experience with that process, so cannot give an opinion. But I wish you and your precious children all good things. First and most important, take care of you and them.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
NOTHING will work unless he wants to stop. A million people telling him to please quit isn't going to make him stop. He may go to rehab after rehab just to safice you all but he will be sneaking it. Unfortunatly the disease goes deeper then "love". Just because he says he loves you and the kids doesn't mean he will quit for you. Also I have found that idle threats of divorce doesn't work. You rather do or don't. An alcoholic will try and control whatever he can and will come up with the greatest excuses to hold on. Here's what an alcoholic usually does.......it's called the honeymoon cycle Things will be ok in the house........then he will drink.......he will get caught.......he will apologize and make promises.......you will let it go...........things will be ok in the house....(repeat this over and over for years) In al-anon they tell you to take care of yourself and your children, that's because you can't do anything for the alcoholic. Sure you can give him the tools and show him the way but in the end it's his choice and I mean they REALLY REALLY have to want to stop. If they stop for someone else they aren't doing it for the right reason and will only be a dry drunk and they are miserable and sometimes worse then the drunk. I found that I always tried everything expecting a different result and I NEVER got what I wanted. I did get a miserable dry drunk. I realized that the sober man couldn't functino in society because his sober actions were those of the drunk. So now....eight years later....I am going through with the divorce. I am ok with letting go of the "family unit" dream. I know all I need are me and my children....THAT is the functioning, happy family. I wish you the best. I hope you do not do this to yourself and your children for years to come. Alcoholism can destroy you as well. God Bless and Good luck sweetheart. ^i^
Hello Silvana and welcome to the MIP Family Group. I am sorry to hear about your husband's drinking progressing. I agree with Diva that if you have not attended any Alanon meetings in your area give it a try. The people in the rooms will be very supportive to you and will help to give you some information regarding what is going on with you and your husband.
Sounds like his disease is progressing and unfortunately there is nothing you or anyone else can do about this. You can try and intervention but if your husband is already feeling defensive around the issue of his drinking he might feel attacked with everyone around. I would employ the help of Alanon first. The slogan's "Let it Begin with Me" and I did not Cause the alcoholism, I cannot control the alcoholism and I can not cure the alcoholism comes to mind.
Let it Begin with Me focuses on you getting healthy, learning everything you can about alcoholism and learning to take your focus off the drinker and place it back on you and your emotional health. Living with A'ism is much too daunting for any of us to deal with and can cause the surrounding family members and spouses to feel emotionally and physically drained with worry, fear, anger, depression, etc. I've had just about every emotion there is and sometimes all at once.
Take one day at a time with this program and your health. Your husband will eventually come to terms with his own behavior and actions, but you cannot force him to deal with it on your timing or terms, he will have to have his own timing. Keep posting to us and if you can get your hands on some Alanon literature that would be a good place to start for you. It stinks to hear that there is nothing you or anyone else can do for the drinker but there is so much you can do for you and your children. Peace to you.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Yes it is very frusterating knowing that there is NOTHING I can do for him. That really hit me hard last night. I just broke down in tears. I'm sick of crying and am emotionally drained out. I know What steps I have to take it's the thought of actually doing it though. I have been to one Alanon meeting before a couple of years back. Just didn't go back. It was too depressing. I know I should have giving it some more time. I do have the book and I'm going to pull it out and start reading it again. I guess I just don't get it. I don't have an addiction and don't know what he's going thru. I'm not making excuses for him, but he did have pretty bad childhood and wonder if maybe that's part of it. His Parents are both Addicts. With Alcohol and drugs. That makes me nervous as well thinking he will get into drugs. I have been a stay at home mom since my first child was born 8 years ago. I now got a job and will be working full time once the kids start school this year. I really need to take care of myself and children. Don't know what the future will hold.
welcome to this group. I can't tell you whether an intervention will work. I can tell you this room will help you tremendously. Try to get to know people here, respond to others. Get into the habit of posting as often as you can. You'll learn lots of stuff about the disease. There are books out there that are incredible. Getting them sober is one of them.
