The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have found I have become jaded, believing little, if any good my AHsober displays. I am not proud to be that way and know it is a form of self-protection, however, it is viewed as "negative" by others, because basically it is.
We have been separated for 3 mos now and my AH has agreed to attend a marriage weekend with me in Sept. It is for people in troubled marriages and the purpose is not to get therapy, but to learn to communicate and heal. It's a big commitment, followed by 6 full day Sat. meetings. I have to say I am relieved, but I am not excited. Why? Because I don't know his motive. Is he doing it to relieve guilt, so he can say "he tried", or does he really want to repair what we've lost. Ultimately, I know the motive doesn't matter for he is going and my HP will do his thing, but it is still bugging me. I should be happy and grateful!
Through a series of conversations and emails, I started the process of letting him know if was time for him to end his affair (which I think for the most part is via phone) and do something to actively work on our marriage, or divorce. I also said that we would do things separately with the kids until then. The way I see it, I have been giving him the best of both worlds, a single life and family time when it is convenient for him. Each time he has avoided really answering and addressing my specific questions, particularly about the status of the A g/f ("friend"). In some way I guess saying he'd go to the weekend is his indirect way of answering since I made it clear that to work on our marriage it must be just us, but I can no longer assume. Also as a requirement for the weekend and as part of the registration process, he must talk to a team leader and be told that no infidelity or active addiction is allowed.
So, since finding out about the weekend my H seems more at ease. Perhaps it is because there finally is a glimmer of hope that a life line will be sent to pull us out of the pit we are in? We've known we don't have the tools to do it ourselves, but I was more willing to try. He was not, feeling it would be fruitless, and also I think he had fear that any work or lack of success would push him back into his chemical addictions. His A g/f is an addiction too however, and he has held on to it and he has not worked a program. He is definately not as recovered as he thinks he is. I still see a very sick man.
So, my H has been spending a lot of time with the kids this weekend, and keeps inviting me along. He took the kids to do a "service project" which involved mowing and cleaning up the yard of a church we know longer go to, bought lunch ( for me too!) and then they went swimming. I have been painting my bedroom so I have used that as an excuse not to go, but I wonder if he gets it. Until he says she is gone, I will continue to decline. It is like my own private boundary and I wonder if it is as effective if I am the only one who understands it.
My prediction is that once he gets rid of the g/f he will be willing to work a program, but this will only happen if our marriage gets back on track or he hits bottom. When I look at my situation from the outside, as you all do, I know I seem nuts, that infidelity should be a deal-breaker. Until it happened to me, I thought so too! However, I know the man behind the disease and I also know the part I played in our marriage. I don't know what will happen, but if anything, we owe it to our kids to do all we can to preserve our relationship.
If you've read this whole thing I thank you. Of course, any ES or H is more than welcome.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Well, on the plus side, he's going to the marriage weekend, regardless of his motivation. On the minus side, he still has the "friend" as a safety net in case the weekend doesn't work out to his satisfaction. If he decides to work a program and it's something he can continue doing successfully, he's got his family. If he doesn't work a program, or if he tries and is unsuccessful, he has his "friend". Having said that, when you think about it, shoot - if the weekend doesn't work out the way you hope, you're no worse off than you are now. If it does turn out to be of benefit to you, it could signal a big improvement in the direction of your relationship. I'll keep sending positive thoughts your way. You gotta have hope - we can't give up our dreams completely! Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Girl, ALL of our relationships look nuts from the outside. Who would stick around through all this chaos?? How else do we end up in Alanon, because we are happy, joyous and free already?? LOLOL . We are the LAST to judge you!! ((((hugs))))
I am really impressed with your "private boundary" with your H, to decline spending time with him until the other woman is GONE. I've read from the experienced folks on this forum that "silent" boundaries are powerful, mainly because they are entirely dependent upon YOUR behavior, not his. When and if he asks, then you can tell him "why".
Though my A did not have an obvious GF on the side, I set a similar "silent" boundary with him. I had to live in the same 1100 square foot rural country cabin with him. So I moved into the loft and just stopped interacting with him in the manner a wife would. And he did ask "why", over and over again. And I told him "when you get help for your drug abuse, your anger issues, etc etc, I will naturally come back to you."
He didn't.
So I only did what I told him I was going to do if he didn't stop and get help. Again, a boundary dependent upon my own behaviors. I wouldn't have been able to make that distinction without my beloved Alanons, I know that.
I'm so glad he agreed to the marraige therapy. Keep your chin up in the meantime, and keep the focus on YOUR needs, not what he may or may not be thinking in his own head. We can't know these things, such a waste of precious energy. We have to stay sane here.
Who cares why he is going? Why are YOU going? No point in thinking about what you SHOULD be feeling - take a good hard look at what you ARE feeling, and go from there.
You have made a good first step, in acknowledging that some of the problems come from your side. All you can do is to work on that aspect of it, see what he does about his side, and make your choices depending on what you see.
Infidelity was not a deal breaker for me - however, in order to recommit to the marriage, it had to be over. Now, I am glad I did what I did - glad I drew the line where I did, and glad that I was able to forgive.
I would go into this prepared to be totally honest - why not, you have nothing to lose. If you think he is trying to blow smoke, call him on it. If he has some hard truths to say to you, listen. Personal growth is never wasted.
You gotta have hope - we can't give up our dreams completely!