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Hi, I met someone a few months ago and we started seeing each other and developing a relationship. We got on very well and had great fun, he did the odd thing which made we wonder if he had an alcohol problem but we never spoke about it. Eventually things came to a head and he told me he had a serious problem and wasn;t able to have a relationship with me. I understand to a certain extent but I feel a bit cheated that he pretended to be one thing - desperate to settle down etc - but knew he could never do that. He also wants to start meeting up as friends. I wondered if anyone could offer any wisdom or advise on this?
It is called the disease of alcoholism and all that goes with it. The disease can't tell the truth in order to survive. This may simplify it but don't take it personally. Take care of yourself and always have a plan.
Lying is just one part of this awful disease - if being lied to and cheated bother you, please don't get involved with an alcoholic.
He's telling you the truth now though - if he is really trying to fight this, he hasn't got a lot to give a relationship right now, and the man he will turn into, if his fight is successful, may be a very different person than the one you knew.
Probably the best thing you could do is to spend a good solid couple of hours reading old posts here, and hearing the stories of those who love alcoholics, and then decide for yourself how much you want this man in your life. And keep in mind that it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic - they find people who will support and enable them, and burrow right in. The "just friends" guy who ends up living in your basement and "borrowing" thousands of dollars from you ...
Yes dear, please read our posts and you will get an idea of what goes on in alcoholic marraiges or relationships.
You say you feel cheated . . . that is understandable. The disease of alcoholism will rob you blind. It has already robbed HIM. When they are still drinking or using drugs, the disease is active and you do not have a normal person you are dealing with. You are dealing with a sick person who CAN NOT be "there" for you. The disease takes all of their love and caring for itself, leaving none for their husband, wife, kids, friends, job, family, ANYONE.
Listen to him. You are NOT powerful enough to have made this any different for him or yourself. He has given you a warning, and it is a blessing. Take this info from those of us who were "warned" but did not heed the warning, or who simply did not know what we were getting into.
That doesn't mean we do not, or should not, have loved our alcoholics and addicts. I'd venture MOST of our beloved alcoholics have many, many redeeming qualities and are lovable people. We love them very much.
I wish I had the awareness I have today. My alcoholic/addict was so lovable and sweet and attentive and fun and sexy and all that . . . pretty much right to the end of the relationship. But the "fall out" of the disease destroyed the lovability, sweetness, sexiness and fun until I had to break it off to save my own life. It took me a long time to let go, hoping he would "come back" to me, away from his drugs and friends. He didn't. It broke my heart and it will break yours, too. Take this from a forum FULL of broken hearts.
Hi - I just want to say thanks for all your advice, and I will certainly read earlier posts. I hesitated posting at all because my issue seemed so trivial compared to people who are already deeply involved, but I am glad I did and thanks again x
i think dating is a lot about loking for red flags. When I met the A I was invovled with for the last 7 years there were tons of them. by then I was tremendously involved. So i think it is great you were not that involved to be lost in him. I alos think it is great you are looking at this issue. do you believe he's the only guy in the world. Did you go back out there?
I look for signs of alcoholism now. Do they drink, do they lie, distort truth, if they do. Bye.
having limits is so great. I know having limits would have saved me from a great deal of heartache with the a.
