The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really, really need to get back to f2f meetings. I am backsliding bigtime.
My #1 A son has been drinking every night. I know this....why???...because I have been calling him every night to see if he is. He is really depressed. I can hear it when he talks. I'm a little bit afraid for him. He hates life at the moment. Please give me some esh to let him get to wherever it is he is going. It is so hard to not try and do something to help him out of this depression. Really, there is nothing I can do but I am afraid. Maybe I should stop the contact with him. I don't know if I can at this point. He is so ashamed about not keeping a steady job, not having any money....basically, a loser. I know that but I don't feel like I am strong enough at the moment to stay out of his way.
Gail, it is only normal and natural for a mother to do all in her power to see to the safety and comfort of her child. Mothers of nearly all species are protective of their children...and so the thought of leaving them to their own devices cuts us to our souls.
It is hard for me to imagine your plight, as I have had no experience with addiction of a child, but as a mom, I understand your pain. I believe all bets are off when our children are involved. If I were you, I would be there with help and comfort. I would stand beside him in this deep depression, and do all I could to help him through it. I would do every possible thing I could think of to help ease his misery.
Watching my own baby fall is not in my makeup.
"Enabling" loses its meaning when it refers to my precious children. I can teach them life's lessons in other ways, but not by abandoning them to the gutter.
I have told my sons that as long as I have breath in my body, they will have a roof over their heads and a meal on the table. I made that vow to them when they were just old enough to understand what I meant. They are grown now, but nothing they could do would change that. (So far they have not taken me up on the offer. LOL!!) Sorry if I am at odds with AlAnon teachings on this, but that's the way I feel.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you peace and all other good things,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:18, 2007-08-10
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Do you have the "Hope for Today" Book? Great reading I found this week in dealing with my daughter & the delivery of our grandbaby. Page 230 second paragraph . . .
Then I came to a new understanding of Step Three, in which I turn my will and my life over to the care of the Higher Power of my understanding. I finally realized I don't have to enlighten anyone. Part of turning my life over to my Higher Power now includes turning over my loved ones and all of their words, actions and attitudes as well. Allowing my loved ones to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes gives them the gift of dignity and gives me the gift of serenity. When I'm not spending my energy trying to figure out other people's lives, I have the insight to make the everyday decisions that bring me peace.
This helped me so much with our daughter. It wasn't that I didn't care, that I was being cold, that I wasn't a good mother - I was just stepping back and allowing her the dignity to make her own choices for her life.
It didn't make the fear go away - that my HP had to help me with. But it did help me to know I was doing the right thing to step back. To remember that I am powerless over this disease, but my HP is NOT powerless. I shall let my HP guide my loved ones on their own path.
You don't have to stop all contact, you can call if you want, or don't if you need a break - You can as your HP for guidance to know that either way - you can try to do what is healthy for BOTH of you.
Wishing you Serenity & Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Diva and Gail, I know what you mean, even though I don't have children. The situation I'm having a hard time with is detachment from the A. I understand the alcoholism and the detachment because of that, but Gail's situation feels a little similar, in that I believe that the A in my life also suffers from mental illness, in his case, bipolar disorder. I'm afraid for him, too, Gail, because I can hear the pain in his voice when he calls me. His friend passed away last week, and the A didn't make it to the memorial service because his manic phase is in full swing, so he never bothered to find out when the service was scheduled. I did go, and when he called me later in the day and found out that he had missed his friend's memorial, he was devastated. Now, of course, I feel as though I should have called him and taken him, but I genuinely believed that he planned to go and was aware of the arrangements. Is that something that I can "let go and let God", or because it's not a disease of 'bad choices', do I need to be more involved. I understand the Alanon position regarding the hands off approach, but if I had children, I'd probably be on the horns of this dilemma right along with you - shoot, I am now, and it's not a child I'm dealing with. I've been in meetings where parents are dealing with their A children by trying to detach with love, and it breaks my heart to see them so torn up. I don't know how you do it, but I give you all the credit in the world for trying. Much esh to you, (((((Gail))))), Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Gail, I am right there with these other "mothers". I don't know how I would do any differently than you are.
However I sense from your post that YOU are exhausted and worn out. Alanon is about taking care of you while you are dealing with the stress and pain of dealing with an alcoholic. Whatever YOU need to do to take a little break, refuel yourself, pull back emotionally to keep yourself on an even keel, that's what you can change.
There is a difference between saying "I love you and care about you" and taking on his problems. You can let him know how much he means to you, without enabling. You don't have to pay his rent, but you can bake him some cookies......
I agree with Diva, as a mother that lioness comes out to protect her babies, even if her babies are all grown up.
I had to think about this one and put my own kids in this position. They are young but what would I do if this were them? Cry definitely, be afraid, absolutely. Alanon teaches us to detach with love and that would be difficult with my son's but if they were choosing to continue to drink and feed the disease I'd have to deal with it the same way as dealing with AH. Take my hands off it, don't get in the way of the drinking. Set healthy boundaries with my child and let him know that if he wants to continue drinking that's his business, but I choose not to be around it. I can talk to him and be supportive to a point and if he begins to show signs of harming himself or others, I'd do the loving thing and send a squad car over to his house to check on him and evaluate his mental health condition.
I'd try and take my hands off the situation as much as possible and just let my son know that I love him very much and continue lifting him up to his HP.
Not sure what else to do but to know that he'll be taken care of no matter what happens. Hope some of that helped. I'll send up a prayer for both of you too. Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You already know what you need to do, you said it first thing in your post.
The only other thing I would share is that you can love someone to death. My AH did not get help until I got out of the way and let him fall. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, but it probably saved his life--I know it saved mine.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I know very little about the AA program. I do recall reading about someone contacting a member of AA to pay a visit to the home of an A. I wish I could remember where I read this. Also, someone who is active in A mentioned he and others in the program preparing to find someone who was on the brink of total self-destruction to do an intervention. The 3rd thing I just remembered was speaking to someone in AA for 20+ years gave me his card to give to my A father and to tell my father to give him a call. These things popped in my mind after reading your message. My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I just remembered another thing...my therapist who has been in Alanon for many moons suggested I ask my father if he wanted to go to an AA meeting while I attended an Alanon meeting. She said it was okay to put it out there and let it go. Hang in there Gailey.
