Hi summergrl,

One of the things we must learn to get anywhere is that when we have a boundary we must be willing to enforce it. Idle threats that aren't enforced just teach the alcoholic that you don't mean what you say and give them the green light to tromp the boundary.
Telling him that you don't want to live with him or be around him drunk, then have a night of drinking with him is sending mixed signals. Ultimately it is your choice, but that's my view.

In my experience it was used against me. I heard "So it's alright for me to drink as long as you are having fun?" or "I can only drink when it meets your approval, otherwise it's not ok?"

You get the picture..It is common for the alcoholic to use things you say and do against you. Anything to take the focus off of them.

Christy

Lots of good points here. Ultimately, do what you want to do, without secretly plotting as to the effect it will have on him.

I'll tell you what worked for us. I made no boundaries at all on how much, where and what my husband drank. My boundary was on how he treated me - no abuse, speak to me with respect. I had a couple of others - no dealing drugs, no smoking crack in the house. He had his own that he would not cross - he kept his job, he was always good to the kids, that type of thing. He knew that I would have loved it if he had stopped drinking, but we never spoke about it, (this is after years and years of speaking about it all too much....) If I wanted to drink with him I did; if I didn't , I didn't. Sometimes we went out together, sometimes he went out alone, sometimes I did. We were not terribly close during this time, but things were pretty tolerable. We were even fairly happy, in our own way. Eventually, after about three years of this, his own life got bad enough and he sought recovery. My encouragement or lack of it had very little if anything to do with him going into rehab.

The point of all of this is that what works for you will be personal. There are people here who can't stand if the A drinks at all - one beer is enough to make them very unhappy. There are others who don't care as long as he doesn't set fire to the house. You need to look deep into yourself and see what really bothers YOU, and draw your lines accordingly. And, what works for you now may not five years down the line, as his disease progresses, or as you find that you have needs that there is no healthy alternate way to have met. You don't have to make a plan now that will last the rest of your life - you just have to get through today, with some serenity and some joy.