(((((((((((((maresie)))))))))))))))))),
Wow hun, you said it all in that last sentence. Just wanted to send you a huge alahug. Keep working it girl, you are worth it.


Yours in recovery,
Mandy
Formerly known as Dolphin

When you say that what you are really saying is a big "no" to the disease. And the disease doesn't like that you are saying no and getting better. Yea for you.

In support,
Nancy

Hi All....

I am a newbie to Al-Anon but an "oldie" trying to survive the effects that my crack head (ch) significant other (s.o.) addiction has had on my life. Of course, the past seven years I didn't know that I had any kind of problem. He was the one addicted to crack and I was just "trying to help him." The only time he was straight is when he was locked up. Or, when he was free he'd last three or four months and be back to his lover crack.

This last time he lasted 9 months but still had the same attitude and behaviors. Like an alcoholic being a "dry drunk." I had my own issues of not being able to trust him and during his 9 mths of being crack-free he told me it was my problem and I had to deal with it. Technically, it is my problem and only I can deal with it but, on the other hand, it was the broken promises, constant lying, manipulation, stealing (including my van) and etc that destroyed that trust.

Last month, he had a relapse but he told me he could "live without it," that he was caught off guard by the drug dealer giving him two free crack rocks for "being such a good customer." That got me to thinking.... if he's being given two free crack rocks for being a good customer...did he ever stop smoking crack? He stayed gone all that night.

His cycle is to dabble in crack and he can pretty much function for a month or so but then it progresses and he loses control and the crack starts controlling him. Then he'll disappear for up to 3 days and smoke crack, steal to buy more crack, until he can't smoke any more. Then he comes home claiming that he's sorry and he'll never do it again. Wow, 7 years I've been hearing this same line.

So anyway, after the relapse...the following week he went on a full-blown crack binge and I had him arrested for trespassing at my place of business. He spent two weeks in jail.

I go through my own cycle when he's going through his. I rant, rave, am out of control with my anger and I always tell myself "this is the last time I go through this!" It's strange how we mirror their addiction without the substance being in our system.

I always prayed and asked God to help me to help him but something different happened this time after my CH s/o went to jail. I was at rock bottom, the lowest I'd ever felt with his addiction and spent four days in my bedroom begging God to help me. It's strange that I didn't ask God to help my CH. I realized that I'd been praying for the wrong thing.

This is when everything changed and I realized that I had been enabling my CH for seven long years. I realized that my actions and reactions contributed to his addiction. I even realized that I was sicker than he was! This spiritual awakening was painful (having to be honest with myself) but, at the same time, I saw things more clearly than I ever did before.

I was on a spiritual high, bought the Courage to Change book and started going to Al-Anon meetings which I'd never done before because my CH S/O told me it was a "hate group." Boy was he wrong!

He gets out of jail and I apologize to him for my reactions and reactions, judging him and treating him like a crack head when he was sober; and, I told him about my experience during that four days.

He admitted it was his fault getting high. He had written me and listed all the excuses as to why he got high. He said he didn't need A.A. or N.A. because "it made him think about drugs." I told him that my going to Al-Anon doesn't make me think about hanging on to my anger but he said he didn't need anything but church. I used to think that way being a co-dependent but I have to have a formula to work with, something to keep my focused, and be with others who are going through what I've been going through.

Then my CH S/O starts telling me the things that have to change around here.... like my daughter's boyfriend is black and he's prejudiced. I raised her to love people no matter what color they are so I told him I am not going to tell my daughter to hate this boy because he's black. When he buys crack, the drug dealer is always black and that drug dealer becomes his best buddy. He has no problem buying crack from a black person.

Three days ago.... (which is why I'm writing this).... he went off on me yelling and screaming at me on one of his job sites. Before he went to jail my air compressor came up missing and he said it was at his bosses' house but he told someone else it was in my garage. Last week, I asked him to return it. The someone else is a person that hires my CH to do remodeling jobs for him periodically. Anyway, it came out that my CH S/O was lying about where the air compressor was and he was angry because he had to pay to get it out of the pawn shop (he doesn't know that I know it was in the pawn shop). He still wouldn't admit to pawning my air compressor and instead told me that he just told me he had it at his bosses' house to "set me up in a trap" because he doesn't like for me to confide in anyone about "our personal business" regarding his addiction. It's supposed to be a big secret but when he goes on these crack binges people know about it and the police are usually involved.

He pawned his parents wedding rings so when his sister asked me about the rings I told her the truth. He started screaming at me about this saying that "I'm upsetting his family because those rings are valuable to my family."

Anyway, he knows I've been going to Al-Anon but when he started screaming at me about the air compressor (I shouldn't have ask for it back according to him) he told me I was full of shit regarding my recovery program.

Things escalated and my anger started rearing its ugly head again. I smashed my cell phone which he doesn't know about. Last night I told him that I was having a hard time keeping my cool and him verbally attacking me wasn't helping me. He apologized. I felt like he was using manipulation and lying in his attempts to "set me up in a trap" which was uncalled for because I've been honest with him, I am identifying my shortcomings and faults yet he acts like it's my fault that he's addicted to crack. It's only me who has to change and then his life will be better.

I think it's a family disease and I think we both should be working our recovery. He said he would be involved but he doesn't like to talk to me, he doesn't share any intimate feelings or thoughts and the silence is deafening.

He doesn't want to be involved in any recovery programs. I'm the one with the problem and "there's nothing wrong with him." So yeah, I'm a bit angry about all of this because I know I have problems that I'm trying to deal with but I sure resent the fact that he says he doesn't have a problem and he's the one who's the addict!!!!

I think that I'm focusing on him rather than my own recovery. Boy this is hard to separate at times! I think this is where I'm messing up and this is one of my greatest weaknesses...trying to fix him.... when I should be concentrating on getting myself well.

I'm also debating on whether or not I even want to remain in this relationship because what do I have? I have a man that doesn't know how to communicate and doesn't want to try because he says "that's just the way I am." (When we were dating it was his openness that attracted me to him but that changed three years later) Sex is sex and there's a difference between making love and sex. We seem more like roommates than anything else. I am striving for a healthy, functional way of life and he doesn't think he needs any help.

Another thing that bothered me.... I had bladder surgery two days before he got out of jail. There was some major complications. I could barely walk without excruciating pain and he wants to go out looking at cars or he wanted me to raise him up from the floor because his back was bothering him. I am usually the caregiver but this time I told him he would have to take care of himself. It's obvious I can't depend on him to help me when I'm down so I don't even ask. My church was very supportive and cooked dinners for me which he had something negative to say about this... "why are they cooking for you? You're not an invalid!"

I know in my head what I need to do.... it's just I think I'm so used to reacting or behaving a certain way that it's difficult making this adjustment. It's like a battle going on inside me and I'm struggling read hard to stay focused and not be trying to "work him." I already know, after 7 years, that I can't fix him. I can only work on me.

Maybe I'm expecting changes too fast so I just need to slow down and take it one moment at a time.

Thanks for listening.....

Sherri

Great, I like that you know its not my fault.  My A blamed me for everything in the household.  If it wasn't the money it was the house, wash, grass, spend to much, the dinner, the dishes, the bills.  I can go on and on like everyone else but everyone knows the low down.  My concern is since our last big blowout,,,trust is a issue....Money was taken and now I am finding myself looking at checkbooks and retirement accounts to see if any money is missing.  How much did he drink today...I am giving it to my God, I am just saying its hard.  Thanks for listening.