The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Listening research shows that we hear only about 60 percent of what is said. This has nothing to do with the functioning of our ears; it has to do with paying attention. Listening is a learnable skill, but it requires focused energy.
Not long ago, I met a woman who thought that her manager considered her boring because he seemed not to listen to her. But soon she recognized that his lack of attentiveness to what she was saying was about his rudeness - not about her personality. While our communication research shows that we have 6,000 words in our spoken vocabulary with 120,000 meanings, imagine how little we truly understand! To truly listen, we must face the speaker and focus on what he or she is saying to us and tune out all the internal "noise" in our heads. When we can truly hear one another, we are creating the possibility for connection.
Just for today, I shall listen attentively, to everyone, with undivided attention.
well maybe just for 2 hours today? LOL That noise in my head is pretty loud right now not to mention the surrounding noises and at home the kid noises. I think 2 hours might even be pushing it.
I would have to agree with that Tiger. I tend to miss alot of what my AH, mom, and Dad tell me. I call it "selective hearing". I know I do this its something I learned as a kid when my parents would lecture me or I'd be in class and the topic the teacher was teaching bored me to death, I'd tune her out and my imagination would take over. So I guess when my AH says why don't you pay attention to me? I'll have to fess up that I was focusing on something else. oops!!
I'd say that would be true for him and others towards me too. I'm not that entertaining and probably can sound like a broken record at times. he he.
Seriously though, I do need to work on looking at AH when he talks and work better at active communication so that our misunderstandings become few and far between. Thanks for the reminder.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Boy do I know what you are saying. LOL....my boss is always telling me this or that and my immediate response is like "Hmm, ok." But then a few minutes later, I cannot remember a dang thing he told me to do. Gets me into trouble sometimes. LOL.....reckon I am too busy reading & posting here. Maybe I should work on that a bit.
Full disclosure: I have found that I, too, when it comes to work am willing to listen to some individuals moreso than others. It's not that what they're saying isn't perfectly valid. It's that, quite frankly, I like some of them more than others. More over, I've come to a point where I feel less and less guilty about "tuning out" some of the people in my life. I really don't feel so bad about ignoring alot of the static. It's interesting that this reading is challenging me to listen to all individuals as a non verbal method of validation. What it's really tapping into is an old old button: because I feel such and such a way, I therefore have the authority to take it out on you. Not directly or out loud, no no! That's what my parents did! But, by behaving in a non verbal way, I'm doing the exact same thing--I'm treating you in a way that is unkind, unloving, and devaluing you. Now, does this mean I am under obligation to take the people at Kohl's and completely fall head over heel's for them? Of course not. I'm a human being. I haven't the foggiest how Mother Theresa did it, and I'm first in line to nominate the woman for saint hood. But it does challenge me, as a 7th step, to love these people as they are. You've heard me say "They are unique people, perfectly in process with their higher power, exactly where he wants them?" That's what I'm talking about. Great example: The head manager of Kohl's (the one that told me he didn't believe me when I came clean about the bag issue?) turns into a little 6 year old boy any time the district manager and the regional manager do their monthly meetings. It's not like he doesn't have a head's up: they're sceduled meetings and, as district HQ, our store in perticular is expected to be the standard that other stores can measure themselves against. No matter what the District Manager says, the store manager will cower at her feet. Honestly, he reminds me of myself when I was in the throws of the family dysfunction of alcholism. There was no hope, I thought, and it didn't matter anyway, so I might as well take a deep breath--I'm gonna get steam rolled again. Yet, of all the managers running around the store, the district, the region, I feel the saddest for him. His personal life's a mess--no divorce is "clean" or "smooth," but it seems as if every time there's a court appearance, the lawyers involved do more than simply suck his blood--and his vacations are always limited to his home. So of course, the person I should give the benefit of the doubt to, I am the hardest on (myself included). Because I see so much of myself in him, I have the highest expectations of him--you're the adult! you're the manager! get a grip! get over it! pay a therapist! put on your big boy undies and grow up! As if, some how, because he's the manager *magic wand sound* he'll be okay. To me, this reading really challenges me to take the time with people like my manager who've genuinely hurt me and give them "the other cheek." In the words of one of my friends at my home group: "I pray for those I resent every day. Simultaneously, I plan their coincidental demise, letting God carry out my suggested outlined plan." ;)
