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Hello MIP Family. I havent been on much but I just needed to vent. Maybe then I can go to sleep. A few weeks back I posted about AH going to rehab. Well he comes home tomorrow. I am happy scared and confused. I have started reading in my Al-Anon books again and looking into meetings that I can attend. There isn't alot in our area. Anyways on to my frustration for the evening. As you al can understand that our AH never leave any money. It is all about how much they can drink away right. Well mine went to rehab after leaving almost nothing in the child support account to pay the ex with. I couldn't cover it and I figured why should I. Why should I have to go without and my kids go with out because he drank away most of that money. If I would of put the oey back in I would of literally had 100. for a month. So the ex ims me tonight wanting to know where the suport is. I told her she isn't getting any this month and all of a sudden it is my fault and I should of called and she can't believe I am doing this. I have done nothig wrong I feel. I put my children first. They needed the power bill paid I needed gas in the car to go to school. So now she days he is going to pay and is going to start making phone calls tomorrow and they are going to get im. I have talked to the child support office already and he sent in aletter saying where he was and why he couldn't pay. I am so mad that she made me feel like the bad person and we never do anything for the kids and never have wich is a bunch of crap. (excuse me) We have been very good to them. Not perfect but neither is she. I am just so frustated right now. I thought maybe if I typed it all out I would feel better. I know I need to get working my program again. I did for a coupple of months and I could see a difference in me. Then I slacked off and now I find myself in these situations I don't want to be in any more. I get drug in to the drama and that is not what I want. If you made it this far. Thankyou. I do feel better maybe I willl be able to sleep now. Good Night All
Janey: It sounds like the child support issue is part of the "wreakage" left behind by this disease and it is your AH's responsibility to deal with it--his side of the street to clean up. All you can do is take care of you and your children and hopefully your AH will take care of any arrearage as he deals with the aftermath of his addiction. I don't think that anyone would suggest that it is your responsibility and I don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about.
I would also encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area if you haven't already done so. Early sobriety can be as difficult as living with an active A (sometimes more). Al-Anon has a great book that helped me alot called "Living with Sobriety." When my AH came home from treatment, I think that I thought that it would be better right away--that everything would just fall into place and that he would suddenly be the person that I always wanted him to be. He wasn't and he just couldn't be at that time. He had to figure out how to live his life sober. I had to figure out how to live my life--whatever the heck that was--now that it could no longer revolve around him. It was a difficult and oftentimes painful time for me--there was alot of growth and healing but alot of tears. I share this only to encourage you to find the support system that you are going to need as you enter this new phase of your relationship with your AH and recovery.
Keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Ever hear the slogan.."What others think of me is none of my business" ? If you can hold on to that it may help. I know alot of people think we have to "work through our anger", but I rarely do. I don't want to give my time up to anger. I shift my thoughts and give the anger as little power as possible.
You said "she made you feel like the bad person..." Remember, no one can MAKE us feel like anything. We choose to allow it. There really is a choice.
You know you aren't a bad person. She put out some angry energy and you are standing there with open arms taking it on. Try thinking about what a good person you are and the goodness that you do. Surround yourself with good thoughts and let her anger stay with her. Choose happiness, choose joy, choose peace.
I'm sure you are frustrated after that conversation but she probably needs the money for her children too. The thing is, it isn't there, you are powerless...Detach hon. Try not to waste time being angry. After you've lost sleep and been pissed off all night....What is accomplished? Loss of sleep and probably a really crappy day tomorrow.
Take some deep breathes. Choose to not give hours to anger, it's a situation that you don't have control over. Unless of course you enjoy anger...lol
I hope you get some sleep, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Janey, I hope you just slipped off into restful sleep last night.
I know in your shoes I would have felt much the same way . . . the A's in our lives, when active and using leave lots of messes, and it is NATURAL to feel the urge to clean them up. Then when a desperate mother of his kids calls and gives you an earful for HIS mess . . . you know.
I could see myself in the other woman wanting money for her kids just like I could see your position of not being responsible to fix it! I know in the past I've been angry with people who are just as much a "victim of circumstance" as I am, but I still let them have it with both barrels. She took out her frustration on you because you were THERE. She was just trying to get what she needs too, although going after YOU was the wrong person, so you ended up beneath the dump truck instead of him.
You both are "sisters under the skin" in this. In this situation, you and his ex are on the same side in this battle, not opposite sides.
Even so there's nothing for you to do, it is not your fault. These things alcoholics do. I hope after a restfull sleep you feel more at peace with this, and can let it go.
I have been sort of there, although I hated the girl and we certainly didn't IM eachother. I dealt with "his" issues, child support custody, etc to the point that my children were being interrogated by cps at their schools because of her false allegations. I had to tell him that this is never going to end she can say whatever she wants and trash our lives, our reputations in the school, the community etc. I refused to support him in any way with that issue anymore. That was the angriest I have ever been in my life. I wouldn't worry about her or what she's gonna do or how it will affect him. She'll get her money eventually and you shouldn't have to suffer to make her life better.
Thankyou all for your kind words. It has helped. I did get a good sleep last night after posting. I know I shouldn't of even IMd her back. That whole progress not perfection thing I have to work on. AH came home from rehab today. He was told about what happened and said he will deal with her and get her her money. I did't want to deny her thechild support but I feel I had no choice. I have gotten past it and not letting it get to me. I am reachng out to my HP.
