The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is all new to me. I grew up with parents who hardly ever drank alcohol and so I never really have. I seldom drink, and have never to excess. I just discovered in May that my best friend (boyfriend/significant "other", actually) is an alcoholic. I feel stupid but I just didn't know. There were signs but I didn't interpret them as alcohol-related. He seldom drank when we were together. At times his speech was slurred but he told me that he was having trouble with his sugar (he's a diabetic as well, and didn't drink with me because he knows that I know he's not supposed to be drinking for this reason.......) and I believed him because my Dad is diabetic and has acted exactly the same way when his sugar is low. This spring he had a terrible binge that put him in the hospital and that's when he finally told me the truth -- that he has been going to AA and struggling to stay sober for the past year. He was able to go away to a rehab facility and has returned and is now faithfully attending AA meetings, usually every day. He has suggested I attend Al-Anon meetings and I am considering it but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
I'm trying to be kind and supportive but I am so angry at him. I feel like he has lied to me throughout our relationship because he kept this hidden from me. He said he didn't want to tell me because he was afraid I'd reject him. Knowing this was a concern for him I wrote to him often while he was away at rehab and he called me every couple of days. Since he returned I feel that he has pulled away from me and our relationship is very uncomfortable right now. He didn't want me to reject him but now I feel like he's rejecting me. I try to ask questions about what he finds helpful about AA, are there any ways that I can be supportive. He says he's not ready to talk about any of it yet. Will he ever be? That's just one of my questions.
I read what so many of you have written and it is clear that this forum and Al-anon are helpful for you. I have not been to a meeting, and I think here's why --- I have to be honest......there's a part of me that resents having to deal with an issue that I didn't cause. I did not make him binge on alcohol, over and over again. I didn't put him in the emergency room when he passed out at work. I didn't lie when friends who know more about this than I do confronted him about his drinking.
This is where I am right now. Am I selfish? Am I unreasonable?
I do have to say that what many of you say in your postings is amazing -- thank you for sharing your stories of struggle and hope.
Helen...I really cannot give you much experience on this but I know you will get many responses so sit tight.
The only thing I think I am qualified to say is that Alanon is only for you. It will help you to cope with living with an alcoholic. My ex dil did not want to deal with an A so they are now divorced. I think you will find that if you really want to stay in this relationship that it would do you a world of good to be in a program.
Welcome to MIP! Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics. From my experience is that the reason we don't know is because we are in denial about what is really happening and this disease doesn't want us to know. It lies, cheats, and steals in order to survive.
I struggle with the whys? It is because sometimes we become sicker than the A's. Hope this helps.
Helen, expect a private message from me. I can relate exactly to your post, except that I married mine before I found out. Please do not do that!!! I must run out to an appointment, but upon returning home will send a message to you. Perhaps it will help; I do hope so.
Best wishes, and welcome to MIP,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can relate IMMENSELY to your last couple of paragraphs, too. I was not one to feel pity for my alcoholic/addict, nor did I ever believe that I had anything to do with his addictions. I too felt they were an intruder he foisted upon our relationship and I HATED having to deal with it. We'd been together for seven years.
For what it's worth, if I was in the beginning stages of a relationship and discovered this person was dealing with an addiction I would RUN. Period. When I met my husband, he'd been sober for a while, but was honest (more or less) about his history, which was horrifying. I did not know what I was in for. Now, I do.
Will he ever be ready to talk about his "deception" with you? Would it make any difference if he did? While you "wait" for him to get honest with you, you are letting yourself be a hostage to his disease. What will you do for yourself?
Keep reading here and definitely go to a few meetings, there's no obligation and it would be a good thing to hear the experiences of others so YOU can make good decisions for yourself. Let him pull away, he needs this time to save his own life. He can't deal with your needs right now, but there's a place for you to go and get support, and here you are :)
I did the same thing as Diva, I didn't realize mine was a full alcoholic until I married him and was already pg. I agree with not marrying this man...you don't know pure hell yet! I like where your mind is at with not wanting to accept something that you didn't cause. Good girl. It's going to be very heartbreaking for you because you are going to find out that you can not stop him no matter what. No love, no children, NOTHING will make him stop. Then they try everything in the book like lying, sneaking, hiding it and they make you feel foolish and eventually you will be sick and stressed out and ponder your own sanity. This is why alcoholism makes everyone around it sick. You deserve freedom and kindness and you do not have to be with this man. Love does not conquer all, not addiction sadly. So do what you can until you just don't have it in you. I hope you're not like some of us who waste years upon years and get the same end result :( I'm glad you are here, please keep coming back. Good luck. ^i^
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I understand the hurt and anger about being lied to. I didn't either asked to have "his issue" dumped on my lap. I strongly urge you to attend Alanon. Do as much reading as you can about this disease. The more you know, the stronger you will become. Alanon has made me a better person. Your recovery is about you and for you. Realize his recovery is about him. The best way you can be supportive, is to attend your meetings. Keep coming back to us, and join us for our online meetings too. They were so helpful to me.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome! I am new here and all I can say is that I felt a lot of resentment toward my husband when I found out that he was drinking again. Our situations are different, however I can tell you that this is one of the best places I have came to. Everybody here is VERY supportive and caring. They don't judge and they are patient. Again, welcome! Many Blessings to You, CJC
Thank you all so much for your very, very helpful responses. I will keep reading this site, I will try attending meetings, and I will try to stay honest about what I'm feeling and what I need. That's what I'm hearing from you and it helps a lot.
). I understand the hurt and anger about being lied to. I didn't either asked to have "his issue" dumped on my lap. I strongly urge you to attend Alanon. Do as much reading as you can about this disease. The more you know, the stronger you will become. Alanon has made me a better person. Your recovery is about you and for you. Realize his recovery is about him. The best way you can be supportive, is to attend your meetings. Keep coming back to us, and join us for our online meetings too. They were so helpful to me.