The material presented
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level.
I've been going to al-anon meetings, I'm up to 3 a week. It seems to help and I know it's keeping me in motion. Iv'e written before but it's been a couple months so I'll recap the events. My AH and I have been together for 23 years. We have a 22 year old daughter who just graduated from college and a 17 year old boy. My AH as refrained from drinking alcohol now for 7 months. This has been the longest time since our daughter was a baby. Things were really rough those last 5 years. I can not even begin to go back there in my mind. He has only been physical a couple of times, but he was extremely emotionally abusive with all of us. I don't refer to him as being sober, becasue in my mind he isn't. He still smokes pot. I have tried to be supportive. I was willing to try and put things behind us. But the behaviors haven't changed much since he was drinking. Someone told me to give it a year, thats what I was working for. Our son has become the issue now. I've caught him smoking pot, drinking, and he was even caught shop lifting beer. Over the last couple years his grades have gone down hill drastically. He was skipping school and always mad. I started taking him to a counselor and that helped some. One of the things that came out of the couseling is that he doesn't believe I'm going to leave him if he started drinking again Currently he has enrolled in a youth challenge program that last 22 weeks. He will get high school credits also. He can not use the phone so we talk by snail mail. He appologizes for the stuff he did.
God I miss my son so much! I know this is selfish, but I shouldn't be having to loose this time with him yet. I'm so angry at myself and my AH because I allowed this to come to this. My brain says our son is going to be OK. He is the one that asked to go there. He is a smart kid. I just miss him sooooo much. I miss watching tv in the evening with him. I miss him tackling me on the couch with one of his wrestling moves. (Yep he is stronger then me) I miss that damn music in my car and debating over what to listen to. It's been almost 3 weeks, how do I get through this,
The couple weeks before our son left, my husband and I had a arguement in the kitchen over what to cook for dinner that night. My AH was in one of those moods that I should have known to back off, but I didn't. I reached to take the ham from him and he exploded. He actutally slapped me in the face. The worse part was that our son saw it happen. Our son didn't speak to his dad or didn't want anything to do with him in the weeks that led up to his departure. Our son was mad because I didn't leave him. I didn't want that kind of chaos going on when he was leaving for 22 weeks.
Now that things have calmed down and he's home sick, he's speaking to his dad agian. I'm still planning on leaving him. I can not do it any more and I don't have anymore to give. My AH of course thinks that I haven't been there for years, but I know in my heart that that isn't true and that is all that matters. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. Can someone else love me any better then what I have been loved. Will my children forgive me for leaving now when Dad is according to them sober, and not when he was drinking. I make enough money to support myself and our son, but can I do it? I know I have to jump with both feet into this no matter what my fears are. I have to have faith in myself and my higher power. But Oh god am I scared.
What helped me was ONE day at a time. Seriously. It is ALL so big, that is what scares you. If you think of just one day, it is ALL doable and not so scary.
I said the serenity prayer and fit my life into it. What do you need to do each day? I keep a tablet write what I need/want to do. Then I stop when it is done. That is that and then take a nap, make some chicken and dumplings...go nap with my dog.
ONE day. Also I surrendered my life to HP. I have been living on a thread for years.Learned by surrendering, there is no worry. It is not in our hands anyway, we do the footwork, hp brings the outcome.
You have your life, your kids will understand and they will be proud of you for taking a stand. Even if they don't agree, you are their mother and they like to see us strong.
When we are not strong it freaks them out becuz they feel like they should do something.
Your son sounds so great. I am so glad you support his choice.My son was just like yours, survival camping saved his life.
Hey believe me,lol you will have many more times with your son. He would have gotten worse had he not made this choice to get himself together. You would have lost him.
My son and I did everything together. I mean he had friends but we drove my huge jeep all over, went hiking, rafting, had somuch fun. Was even more fun when my daughter came too.
Anyway I am sure he loves your letters. I hope you save his.
I am sad your husband is so sick. But it sure is nice you can afford to take care of you and your son.
As far as him hitting you.... that is totally HIM. There is NOTHING you did for him to ever do that. IF he will hit you, he will kill you. That boundary is a major one. What if a stranger hit you like that??? Did you call the police?
I encourage you to call the police when he does it again. And he will unless you get away from him.
Your son needs you to show him how to react to that. He cannot think it is ok in any sense. My AH grew up in a horribly abusive home. He is so damaged. He was not abusive to me ever, until after his brain surgery.
But he was to other people.
anyway glad you posted. please keep coming back. Let us know about your journey. Give your son a hug for me. I am very proud of him.
Ah, hon, you yourself can love you bettter than you have been loved.
My husband and I were together for 20 some odd years. Although he was drinking for most of that time, it was not all bad. In fact, long periods were very good; also , he was sober and working a program for the last four years of his life. I loved him deeply, and know that he loved me to the best of his ability. Yet, with all that - for most of the time, there was always some little thing, some feeling of dread for what might come next, or some feeling of coming up short, of not being quite good enough. Even when I learned that what I had been trying to do was to fill the bottomless hole of an alcoholic's needs, I still felt off balance, never really right. Alanon taught me that it wasn't me, it was him - he just wasn't capable of a full emotional response. Even so, deep in my heart of hearts, I feared that it was ME - that I fell short. And that is what years and years of living with this disease does to us. The A doesn't love us the way we need, so we feel that we are unlovable. He tells us we are stupid, or fat, or useless, or incapable, and we believe him. He tells us it is all our fault, that if we were just prettier, more loving, better in bed, harder working, BETTER, he would not have to drink. And we believe it. But, just because his sickness says it, and our sickness accepts it, doesn't make it true.
I don't know whether you should leave your husband. I don't know if he will ever sober up, or what wil happen with your son. I do know, though, that if you keep the focus on yourself, keep doing your best to keep your own side of the street clean, keep searching for the joy and serenity that is there for you, that you will do just fine.
I'm doing it, I know you can too if that's what you choose to do. I was scared I wouldn't make it too, still am sometimes but if I just let it go and roll with it things have a way of working out fine.
I realized that I didn't like my husband after he got sober too. My ah made it seven months and relapsed. I think you hung in there OVER what you should have. It doesn't matter what your kids think about you leaving him. They are not married to this man and they are adults. I think it's great that you are going to get out and live the rest of your life for YOU. You did your job as a mother. Your son can only make things better for himself. You also probably know that your husbands sobriety will be short lived too and that's why you don't want to do it anymore. After alcoholics have been drinking so long that's the behavior that they've learned....how are they supposed to function like a normal person?? They can't unless they get alot of counseling. Whatever you choose to do I hope it's in the best intrest for YOU. We don't get a second chance at life, this is all we have. I hope you can find a way to enjoy it. You talk about finding someone to make you happy....don't look at it that way. You need to live as if another man isn't even coming into the picture. No person can make YOU happy, only YOU can do that. Your children will have to learn to deal with whatever you choose to do, YOU are the parent. Let go....and let God! Good luck
If your AH is smoking pot, he is NOT sober. Of course his behavior has not changed. He is an active Addict. Just changed substances. Hang in there and do whatever you need to do. Your kids will eventually understand that you are doing the best you can. You have spent 23 yrs taking care of an A and 2 kids. Taking care of just you will be an incredible relief, if you keep working your program. It was for me even if it turned out to only be temporary. Good luck whatever you decide.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It seems to help and I know it's keeping me in motion. Iv'e written before but it's been a couple months so I'll recap the events. 