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I have told the A I am not paying his rent for him next week. I have switched off my cell phone and told the people who he is living with I am unavailable. He can give me the dogs now. I will just let him do whatever. He's destroyed absolutely everything around him. he is not going to destroy me with iht.
I am so "Proud" of your decision....We can be "Controlled" and "Manipulated" for so longgggg. The day we stop, and actlly see whats being done to us, is as "Wake up call"..
Imagine what you can do with the money you'll save!
Just be ready for anything. Ten million voice mails, accusations, scathing name calling, suicide threats, his family telling you you're heartless and mean. Expect it. Don't listen to the messages. Don't go to the door. As nonfunctional as he is he'll be sure to get it together to try and razz you back into supporting him.
If he takes the dogs to the pound, you'll have money now to get them out :D .
The only way he can slither back up the drain is if you let him. Just remember that.
And yay!! You go! Might be the best thing that ever happened to him. It certainly will be one of the best things you've ever done for yourself.
Wow, look at all this support. Now you're talking girl!! Stay strong and know that we are all here in support of you. It's really hard to let them go but I promise that good things will come to you when you start taking care of only you. IF it's the dogs you want then they will find their way to you one way or another. Keep your eyes focused on getting those pups instead on helping him. You are helping him this way better. Good for you!!! (((BIG HUGS)))
right now he is saying that he will give the dogs up next weekend. In theory I should be moved by then. Who knows I have not got the room yet. It is one tiny tiny room. I will have a fair sized outside fenced yard for the dog. In theory I can use the yard as an extra room but obviously it can't be full to the brim with junk.
I actually see him doing the victim stuff of being abandoned. That's ok. He can do that. I no longer feel sorry for him. I have been working and working and working to get a place for me and my dogs for years. I looked and looked and looked for years. I had one person offer me something only to pull back at the last minute. That alone nearly killed me. I had other people offer stuff but at that time I had no funds to get to their long distance offers.
Now I have funds. Of course it will be a tremendous hardship. After that the A will have no hook to hold me. He can go to jail, lose his license whatever he can do it. I don't need to hold him up till my back breaks from trying.
Thing is Mary, it WILL break your back, those darned alcoholics are HEAVY.
You can only abandon babies, small children and animals. Not grown men. Oh, but I think you CAN abandon yourself. But you are taking up for yourself now.
I can just see those dogs cavorting in their own yard, while you sit in a lawn chair with a tall iced tea. You can be free, and it looks like you will be very soon. Please keep us updated so we can keep giving you the Rah Rah!!!
the deal is right now that he will give me the dogs next weekend which is when in theory I can move. I have told him I will give him money for gas. He swears he has no money now so I have referrred him to some social service agencies. he can go there.
So in theory next weekend I can move. He is already saying he will not give certain stuff that is over at the place he is at. That is stuff I paid for. How ridiculous he is homeless but sayng he is going to hang onto stuff. Where under a freeway?
I am going to talk to his Uncle and see if he can go up there to live with him some 100 miles away.
You're doing it again......By calling his Uncle you are taking care of him again. You said you were not going to do that. Enabling is very tricky......you need to let go and let God hun. :) Best wishes always.
Wow Mary you have come a loooooong ways. I know it hurts too lady. Been there. We so want to believe something we do will help.It is so sad when nothing does. But maybe you were like me, I HAD to try everything then let go.
I hope you can get your animal family. I am also very proud of you not being willing to sacrifice your animals to this D disease. Not everyone is a passionate animal lover. But we that are know you could do nothing else.
When my A left the first time, I moved into the cold barn sunroom becuz if I left or had to place my babies, someone would eat Estersue. And that was NOT happening.
My animals have been more loyal to me and have accepted me better than most humans. They have taught me to be humble, non critical and non judgemental to everyone.
I understand how they make your home, home.
Anyway it is ok Mary. It has never been in your hands anyway Mary. Becuz you are allowing him to do whatever he does, if he gets sicker or whatever it will not be your fault.
Hopefully he will get where he has to do it all himself.
So are ya moving again so you can keep your dogs? I am so sad about your truck. I don't know how you get around or get anything done with out a car. How do you move? I hope you have someone to help you.
Keep us posted. And feel free to jump on me when you feel I am heading the wrong way too. Honestly Mary, when we get tough with each other it is becuz we really care. It is not easy to do that.
What if the uncle says no, or wants you to talk to the A some more about it, or gets angry? I can hear the slurping sound, ya might get sucked into something . . .
Actually the Uncle has been the only one who has named what has been going on for me. He's said from the beginning the A has dug a hole he cannot get out of. I find it immensely helpful to speak to him and hear his wisdom. This is a man who has gone through tremendous family dysfunction. One of the huge issues in the A staying with him was the A and some of his family have dogs. The Uncle has two Jack Russels which are nuts. They go beserk over another dog being around they do not stop barking for days. So that has been a huge huge issue with the A staying there with the dogs. I do not always think that speaking to family is enabling. I think actually if the family is savvy as the Uncle is it can be support. For many of us we are out sailing in the wind dealing with an A. I need support and understanding and encouragement from people who know the A.
I also don't think in the A's case it is just cut and parcel his addiciton he has a physical illness too. Where he is currently living is raw to say the least (I'll spare you the details). In theory he can get on a greyhound and go to the Uncles. That was not an option for him while he was taking care of the pets.
For me the dealing with the A has not been clear cut just dealing with him its also been about saving my pets. I love them. They are really all I have. So it was not just codependency for me at least it was about loyalty and love for them. For me I have an immense sense of responsibiity to my pets. Where the dogs are now is not a good environment for them. One of the people the A lives with/around does not like dogs at all. They are also not in a fenced yard and very vulnerable to getting loose. While the A has failed on many many many levels to take care of everything at the same time he has taken care of the dogs regardless of how much sacrifice that made for him. He did do that much. That doesn't excuse his actions and his irresponsibilty but he did that. Until I get the dogs and my belongings I am still in a place I have to deal with him on many levels. When I do that and not "hooked" in then I can have very very different boundaries with him. So I am not there yet.
Sorry for givig ESH, you asked. Of course you are going to think differently then some of us in recovery do. Someone who is very codependant can not see what they are doing to enable. That's where someone who has been where you are can help or try. (whoever that may be) You keep talking about the dogs but would you still be in the relationship if the dogs didn't exsist? You are keeping your own leash on your A. I dont' know your reasons but when you post and ask for our opionion, please take it kindly since we are trying to help you.
i do take it very kindly. At the same time I know that I need support. His Uncle is one person who calls it as it is. In fact he has always done that. He is also compassionate,kind and realistic. I need that. Being on my own with all this is very very isolating. In addition the Uncle being that he has dogs of his own completely understands my desire to keep my pets which seems to be bewildering to some other people but certainly not to me.
Keeping your pets is not at all bewildering to me. Alanon has been my first sanity-saving lifeline throughout all of this garbage with the A in my life; my dog has been my second. Where I go, she goes, and vice versa. Non-negotiable to me. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Hey Mary, it sounds like the Uncle is a source of support to you, and you are right, we need all the support we can get!
I feel like I got the thread going a little sideways, and I apologize. This is why giving advice can backfire, we just don't know the other person's situation like they themselves do.
Speaking to family isn't always enabling. Asking them to give the A a place to live when the A could ask for themself is in my opinion, taking on more burden. But it isn't going to destroy your program :) and you in the end must do what you feel is right.
I'm still visualizing you and your dogs enjoying the evening breeze in your yard. I'm going to keep that up for you. I for one stayed right in the middle of Hell Central to keep my animals (it's hard to find a good rental when you have a bazillion chickens, geese and goats too :D ). Some well meaning folks wondered why I did that, and you know what? It's none of their beeswax, in the most kind way possible. You are taking back your life and that is what it's all about.
I recently had one of my best friends ask me if I should give up my goats. We are having serious money problems and she means well. She got rid of all of her livestock, but doesn't understand that they are what I enjoy. The time I spend with them keeps me sane as well as providing for my family. They are not just expensive hobbies. I was kind to her, and even took the time to catch up my recordkeeping, as I do keep careful track of expenses. I am making a few changes, but I will not get rid of all my animals for convenience. She and some others I'm sure just don't understand the enjoyment we get from our animals, whether it's a gerbil or a dog or a few goats.
You do what you have to. Good luck.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
