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I can't even come up with a title for this post, because as I begin I don't even know where I am going. I just feel the need to vent. We are at a crossroads in our marriage, where I have basically told my AH(sober as far as I know) that it is time to p** or get off the pot. He has me convinced that alcohol/drugs have no part now, nor have they ever, in our troubled marriage. He goes through the roof if I even suggest it. Because I had no idea of the 10 yrs of drug use, the alcoholism was progressive (really hit hard the 4 mos before rehab), and we had some serious marriage issues outside of it, I don't know either. He definately is a "functioning" A, and the picture painted on the outside in no way represents the wreck of a man that exists on the inside. Actually, you could say the same about me. He has insisted that he does not want to defined by alcoholism. I get that, but I see his total and complete denial a dangerous thing....
I have been in al-alnon for almost 5 mos now and personal counseling for 9 mos. I see my part in our marriage dysfunction and I want nothing more than to be able to have a chance to fix it. My AH went to some joint and personal counseling, but did it while addicted and then while holding onto his g/f ,so it was pointless. It frustrates me in that I am the only one who sees the correlation between his behaviors and the disease. Ultimately, it doesn't matter except everyone around me believes not drinking/using equals sobriety, thus there isn't anyone to encourage him to work a program. Yes, I hear your words now, "only he can make that decision", but I think their support would help. Admittedly, it confuses me as well to think of his attitudes as the 'ism' part or just a part of his core personality. Physcially, my ah is a new man - lost 50 lbs, is sleeping, eating better, etc. But, he is stuck mentally - he can't move beyond the past, sees a hopeless present, is still negative, still a victim, and continuing the addictive affair with an active A that he had before going to rehab in Jan. He minimizes her part, but she is his "program". His sister, our greatest support, does not like the word "sick" and seems to think that working a program is just my way, and we just need to see the progress and think positive. My H has a wonderful sponsor just waiting to help him. I would think that letting go of the alcohol and drugs would have been the hardest part, and it just amazes me that he could have a whole new world opened up to him if he would just submit his heart. My thoughts are that facing the guilt is too much, that he can't admit what he is doing/has done, that he can't forgive himself.
In reading what I just wrote I know I sound controlling and like a "know-it-all". It is a bit scattered and shallow. Really, what it all comes down to is that I feel desperate. It's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but am moving so slow on one of those walking conveyer belts that I will never get to the end. I just needed to vent. Thank you for being here!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hey, glad to hear from you. I have downloaded divorce papers and been slooooww in finishing filling them out. I have the time, I have the forms, I just can't seem to get movivated to get it done with. I went today and read a bunch of my old posts and remembered some things I had forgotten, the way I felt, the things I have been thru over the past year and my motivation is coming back quickly. I hope you find some peace and a sense of certainty about your direction.
(((((((((Lou))))))))))) I love the saying, first things first. It makes be realize that I need to deal with today, not yesterday, not last night, not tomorrow, not next year. Obsessing about my past or my future has been no help to me. You are doing amazing just by reaching out and posting here. Getting it out of your system is healthy! It is progress!!!
hello Loupiness , breaks my heart to read your post , you deserve to be happy loopi , and a girl friend is totally unexceptable . NO one has to be humilitated in the name of anyones recovery. It takes two to fix a relationship , u cannot do this alone . Keep going to yur meetings add a couple to the week if u can and get the focus back on the only thing u can fix . YOurself . Oh yeah and people who go to treatment centres don't go cause they are a nice place to go for a few months , they go cause he has a problem. He is still denying his addiction and refusing to talk about it . Still blamming you from the sounds of it . Your not the reason he drank in the first place - please remember that . Regardless of what he says , your jsut not that powerful to make anyone drink or stop . get the focus back on yourself and you will be okay . Louise
Lou, what Louise said is so true, putting the focus back on yourself will ensure that you're OK. It just sort of hit me that this means so much more than the "words". Everything changes when you take the focus off the alcoholic (where it can do no good but drive you nuts) and back on yourself.
When I put the focus on me, as much as I was able, and the A was still coming home and going out doing God knows what, it opened up a whole new world to me that I did not know was THERE. I couldn't see all my options b/c so much of my vision was taken up with the drama and chaos of the A.
It looks like they are THE problem. Well, they are A problem, for sure :D but it is US that continues to focus on what to do about them, and wasting our precious resources doing so. When all you can see is the A and his problems, how can you see what you need to do for you? We are limited beings here. We only have so much attention to give!
Going over and over the "what ifs" and "if he only" is just another way of staying focussed on him. Even if he did suddenly come around, begin being honest, get rid of the hussy and recommit to the marraige and family . . . it won't get rid of your angst. How you'll begin to trust him again, for instance. How to put all this behind you. Your anger, hurt, betrayal! This is all YOURS, and nothing he could do could help you either :) .
For me, I had to be honest with myself. I could not tolerate another relapse, period. My A simply refused to get help and quit. That was the writing on the wall. He needed to change in order for the relationship to continue. He refused to change. I also would have needed to change to keep the relationship. I would have had to accept living with a husband I could never completely trust again (mine has been unfaithful too). I refuse to change to accomodate this. It's just MY own personal choice, not for everyone. Some can do it and power to them.
I could only get honest with myself when I quit focussing on what HE needed to do, I just didn't have the mental and emotional energy left over to take care of me. I couldn't get clarity until I stopped even mentally trying to figure this crap out. Once I accepted that it was indeed a huge steaming pile :D that I did not want, did not deserve, the next step was easy. We do not have children together, and that does make a difference in outcomes, but the principle is the same.
I still have to say NO! out loud and shake my head to get thoughts of the A out of it. Over time it gets much easier. When he does do something (like take away the car he gave to my son to use) I really have to work at it, and didn't do so well last time.
Keep it up, keep pushing forward. You're working hard, I just hate to see your hard work going for nought. You can't do a thing about the A, and no one else can either. Kim
When I am unsure about something and it scares me I just plow through it without thought and then worry after it's done. I filed for divorce three times, it's just hard to swallow that it's over. I never wanted to be a statistic. How could I be getting a divorce. I still haven't signed the last set of papers. It's like I have this sick fasination of hitting a ten year mark just to show something (I don't know what that is though) We all say ..."well, if there was another woman I would be out of here"....I wish it was that simple. We don't go for some idiotic reason. It's almost like we have to get them back to show that we are better then the other woman and we "win". In reality, we are the good one's and it's usually loser woman who take our men. Our men know that we won't put up with alot of their crap so they push us aside and take the trash instead. But never fear....the woman that gets him really isn't getting anything right? Let her have all the aggrevation. You are strong and you WILL be alright. We are healed when we can wish them well no matter how badly we were treated. Pray for him and be happy for his happiness. You probably know he will never truely be happy though. He can only be what he knows and so far that's misery. But you are way ahead of him and will find happiness, I'm sure of it. When you do let go all the way...you will look back and say "I can't believe I was ever there". We love ya girl. ((((HUGS))))
An alcoholic's pride and ego often leads them into and thru the doors of hell and then an alcoholic death. Sad :( Your discription of your alcoholic isn't all that strange and really kinda usual including the denial, resistence and lack of humility. If he had all the right stuff and changed to meet your expectations the question would still be what happens to Lou? Maybe the alcoholic and your marriage are beyond repair. You believe that you are powerless to fix him and you both? Continue to fix yourself. You need to survive all of this "Rocky, horror, picture show" and break into the sunlight and happy, joyous and free. You can and you will. Five months are gone and still you have today. At your next face to face meeting ask if you can read the closing statement and the promises for us if we continue to keep coming back and working this spiritual program of recovery. Those promises are real for me as I have watched them become real for many others.
I was never able to figure the alcoholic or the disease out. I never got an answer to my questions why? that I didn't have another why? after it. My sponsor taught me that there is no answer to the question why when there is no acceptance just another "but why?". He was right and I took action on me.
I feel your bad feelings and know they can be temporary if your work for it.
He has me convinced that alcohol/drugs have no part now, nor have they ever, in our troubled marriage. He goes through the roof if I even suggest it.
OMG! If I only had a dollar for everytime I've heard that!!! I went as far as telling my husband when he drank himself to death, on his grave stone I was going to have written "Drinking had nothing to do with it"
We actually laugh about it now (he is 18 mo. sober) because it's so so so rediculous. It's denial at it's finest. I used to doubt myself too when he would say "I don't hit you, I'm faithful, I work, I raised your children and treated them as mine, I don't get arrested".
Yeah, he was right, but he also came home drunk every single night. He made promises of being sober for Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving, family bbq's, teacher conferences...never happened.
I truly hope deep down you are NOT convinced he is right and see it for what it is. Pure manipulation on his part to continue to do what he's always done. If a woman is his program, then speaks for itself loud and clear.
Take care, I hope that light at the end of the tunnel opens up and shines brightly so the path you choose to take is brightly lit.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When you get right down to it, does it matter? You are not happy in your marriage, your husband is still blaming you for everything, and still committing himself at least partly to another woman. Whether it's the drinking, or he is just a jerk, or it really IS all your fault, the answer is the same. Work towards making YOUR actions be ones that you can be proud of. Work towards getting joy and serenity in your life. If you find that it is not possible for you to be happy while linked to this man, (as he is right now, not as you wish him to be), then cut yourself free. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, or what disease. What matters is that you live the only life you have in the best way you can. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
Thank you for your replies. What is really so great is that I didn't think I was making any sense, and instead I was met with nodding heads. I am in the right place. Lots to think about! If I did not have 3 young kids, I wouldn't still be here. Actually, he wouldn't either, for they definately are the ties that bind. I actually had put it out there - dump the girfriend and work on the marriage, or divorce. First he came back with , "I am so miserable and I need to think and write about it" , followed by an email giving a bunch of cop out reasons as to why the marriage should end, and then "let's open communication via email". Manipulation at its finest! I am presently waiting for a response to my last email to him in which I matter of factly commented on his excuses and then spoke of the unspoken (aka- g/f) and said my conditions remained the same. I also led him to a website for a weekend program for troubled marriages that I would like us to attend together. It would let us know if our marriage could be rectified and how. I know we would "qualify", however, if there is active addiction or infidelity or it won't work. His brother and sil went and I am amazed at the difference I see in them (many yrs and a lot of work later).
Above all, I want his heart, and I won't settle for less. However, I believe when we brought our children into this world it was with a promise that we would do all we could to preserve our marriage. With the exception of the past, which I am going to have to eventually just forgive myself about, I will be able to say that I left my marriage with no regrets in that I did all I could.
I so want that joy and serenity, and can hardly wait until I can look back at this as just an awful time in my life.
Blessings to you all,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lots to think about! If I did not have 3 young kids, I wouldn't still be here. Actually, he wouldn't either, for they definately are the ties that bind. I actually had put it out there - dump the girfriend and work on the marriage, or divorce. First he came back with , "I am so miserable and I need to think and write about it" , followed by an email giving a bunch of cop out reasons as to why the marriage should end, and then "let's open communication via email". Manipulation at its finest! I am presently waiting for a response to my last email to him in which I matter of factly commented on his excuses and then spoke of the unspoken (aka- g/f) and said my conditions remained the same. I also led him to a website for a weekend program for troubled marriages that I would like us to attend together. It would let us know if our marriage could be rectified and how. I know we would "qualify", however, if there is active addiction or infidelity or it won't work. His brother and sil went and I am amazed at the difference I see in them (many yrs and a lot of work later).