The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
a 9 yr. old boy and an A decide to do laundry? Answer: An insane alanonner whose head spun off her shoulders at "It's not the end of the world."
Maybe it's the heat -it's 105, maybe it's the fact that you don't use bleach with everything, maybe it's the mom factor where we're cursed with kids that don't know how to wait so they ask the A -- I don't know.
I'm tired and battling insomnia. I hate feeling this way, tired all day, can't sleep at night. I don't handle things as well. The laundry thing made me cry -- did it really have to be the new school clothes? -- I walked out, sat in the car with the A/C on and finally regrouped.
The problem is stress-- a weird kind of stress. Most of you know my A and I are separated and have been for three yrs this month. I've prayed for a LONG time about what to do and the more I pray the more men Hp seems to be throwing at me LOL. What an insane thing to stress about right? Only my A -- I don't know or understand what or why he's doing what he's doing but it's confusing me, it's giving me headaches.
For example, when I lost it over the "It's not the end of the world" comment and walked out to calm down -- I came in and handed my son the laundry basket and asked him to put it away. He took about three steps and said "What do you want me to do with this?" I laughed and asked him where his "I'm only half listening" t-shirt was. My A says to me "their hearing returns the closer they get to 20, but disappears again around 30...but don't worry it comes back at 40." He's 40.
He talks about how he knows he's not the best husband (present tense), he's bringing up things like life insurance and getting a will (jointly) things I've always worried about and wanted to do, he says things like "I told them my wife...." Please, someone tell me what is this all about. OMG at dinner the other night (he comes here to see the kids) I said my sauce wasn't thin enough, that I had made it too thick, he goes over to the stove and spoons out the thinnest part for me and brings it back to the table.
What is this, please, someone tell me what this is? What it isn't is trying to be nice for sex -- I know that deal.
The thing is there are other men who would like to get to know me better, just this a.m. one called to check on me because I missed church, he's very nice and I enjoy talking to him. Another fellow I've known for some time, he's patient knows my situation well and is so kind. They both make me laugh. Then there is someone in program who makes me smile. I'm not wanting to run off and find a mate -- and I don't believe they want that either lol.
It makes my head hurt. Ultimately if he doesn't quit drinking nothing changes, right? No matter how he is now, it will go back to what it was right? I know I can't do that again. You know I can just hear him say he was trying but I didn't want to. augh. I can also hear him say I was reading to much into it if he wanted to back off and go hang with his buddies. Someone kick me and remind me to just keep moving forward.
I think I'm stuck in my head today -- as my sister once said "that's where Peter Pan and the Fairy King live -- never never land." Thanks for letting crawl out of there
Mind games. That is what it sounds like to me. Your A is playing mind games. That is what my AH does. He is so sweet and charming and bends over backwards to make me feel good and then as soon as I let my guard down - WHAM!!! Back to the same ol' same ol'.
You have to look deep w/in yourself and know what you want and need and believe. You'll know the answers. It is right there inside of you. You just have to find the key to unlock it.
And I can completely understand the whole screwing up the school clothes bit. OMG, I would have completely lost it on my AH if he did that. It is one thing for a kid to screw something like that up but an adult? Come on. Get w/the program. There is no telling what type of reaction would have come from me in that situation, especially considering I would have scrounged for the money to buy those clothes in the 1st place and replacing them would be next to impossible.
Hang tough. Find some peace and serenity this week. Take a bubble bath, read a book, vegg in front of the tv for a bit. Find some you time. You deserve it.
I know all too well how that feels. This is my thought, and only my opinion based on what I have seen in my family.... I think in part my family wants to be supportive, happy, helpful and compassionate, and the bouncing back and forth I see seems to have a theme... I did all this and what did you do for me?
It's manipulation, but not the being nice part... I don't think my family knows how to keep it going just because it feels good to them, and when they can't continue... they have to have a reason.
I can be their reason... they are not being nice today because they were nice and got nothing out of it from me. LOL I didn't move her back home, I didn't buy him the new set of golf clubs or have his car repainted or what ever other monumental emergency they have at the moment.
It's twisted logic, and sick reasoning.
It doesn't make my head hurt (my head is too hard) ... but I feel it in my chest and that sour feeling in my stomach. I can see it building. It happens as there is no plan for the weekend that includes everyone, or they are out of money...
So enough about why (its all theory anyway) .... what are you going to do?
Is your life fulfilling as it is?
Are you able to be happy in spite of what others do... good and bad?
If there was a moment in time where you had no other responsabilities and nobody's opinions to consider, what would you choose as your next right thing to do?
Those are the questions I am asking myself... just thought I would throw them out there... (See if you have better luck answering them than I have.) LOL
I hope your day is going well, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers each day.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Luna, I had to laugh at your humor, my A must have washed and dried four pair of linen pants for me over the years. He was sober then, too :D . It must be a guy thing, all he ever wore to work was scrubs.
If you "think" it's manipulation, it probably is. My A can pull exactly what I want to hear out of my head, and do MORE than I hope for. He would haul off and buy my daughter a brand new car stereo and speakers . . . and then rage against her b/c he expected something, I don't know what. It's been one of his litanies to me (while he was still here), "It's like every good thing I've ever done doesn't matter!! (boo hoo)". It matters, but . . .
A good deed, a teaspoon of gravy, the best chicken thigh on the platter, whatever, does not undo anything. It is simply a loving gesture, to take for what it is. Nothing wrong with enjoying it. Everything is wrong with loving gestures becoming "currency".
Anymore, if someone is sorry for the way they behaved, they can just tell me "sorry". I had a lot of practise reading minds but I was terrible at it and so I *note* those kind of behaviors you talk about, and I ignore what they "might mean". They mean he was sweet and kind and thoughtful. That's it.
Funny, my A could whip up my favorite dinner, say the sweetest things, but he could never ever just talk straight with me.
And if they're still drinking, well that's all ya need to know.
Rtexas that is such a great way to look at things . . . if you had no other needs but your own to consider, what would you do then?? Gosh that's great.
