The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 58 and my DH is almost 60. He is a quiet well behaved and still working Alcoholic. It has really gotten a hold of his this past 5 to 10 years.
He spends most of his time off in the basement drinking and smoking and watching his own choice of TV shows. If I ask him to join me for a show upstairs in the living room he will sit thru a show for about an hour then has to go back down for a smoke and another drink. I hear the beer cans pop as he opens yet another.
His speech becomes quite slurred and he tries to carry on as if he is okay.
I am planning to attend an Al-Anon meeting this week. I do Love this man and he has never been abusive to me or my now adult children. He loves his granddaughter and family time....but the demond drink and smoking consume him.
I do recognize this is an addiction and that he has no control to stop for the love or any threats that I make.
Any advice, suggestions where to start welcome? Also, any where that I can get help for him? I dont this he will attend AA just yet.
All our social events do involve drinking. I usually dont drink any alcohol, very occassional a glass of wine usually diet soda or mineral water. I have never smoked either.
Thank you in advance for your valuable experience.
You're already much ahead of most in realizing that begging and pleading doesn't work, you are powerless over this disease. The decision to attend a meeting is certainly a step in the right direction. You will find support amongst those that have a common denominator, they love an alcoholic. Alanon offers coping tools and will help you set boundaries for yourself (these are to protect you, not change him).
Right now you can help him by learning all you can about the disease. I think the alcoholics that don't get themselves in to trouble are more difficult then the ones that go to jail, get DUI's and lose their jobs. Reason being, their bottom is harder to hit by circumstance. Someone that sits safely in their basement isn't going to get in to much trouble. I had one of those too. He went to work every day, supported our family and never got arrested. The good news is mine is 18 mo sober after 18 yrs of constant drinking. A bout with bronchitis and being too sick to drink threw him in to detox mode and it spiraled downward from there for a few months. He spent a month in the hospital and almost lost his life. He is sober today and doing great. There's always hope... Most important is you and your happiness. Working the Alanon program can help you find it again.
Keep coming back, Christy Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome Sue! I'm glad you've found a meeting to get to, as well as this board. This is nothing we need deal with alone.
Christy talks about learning all you can about alcoholism as a condition or disease, and how it affects the alcoholic's loved ones. Often, we become just as "sick" as they are, with our worrying, focus on getting them to stop, trying to keep everyone from knowing what a bad drunk they are, and of course the guilt that perhaps we are so hard to live with we CAUSE them to drink.
In Alanon we learn to allow the alcoholic the dignity of their choice to drink and smoke or drug and carouse without trying to change them. It's a goal, and we achieve it by progress rather than doing it perfectly. We have our up and down times, and we have each other to share them with. Plus there is an amazing toolbox of things we can use to make sure OUR lives are as happy and fulfilled as possible, and all this in spite of whether the alcoholic drinks or not.
Your husband will only "get help" when he feels he has a problem. You cannot convince him he has a problem. By coming here you admit YOU have a problem with his drinking and other behaviors, and THAT we all together can help you with :)
I personally have one of those drugging, carousing and abusive jail bound alcoholics. It's all relative, and whatever our alcoholic does is not as important as how we are affected by it, and what we need to do for ourselves.
Thanks for dropping by, ask questions and read the posts and stories. Be sure to ask for a Newcomer's packet at the meeting you go to. I hope it's a great meeting and you find the beginnings of the support you need. Take care :) Kim
My mom's bestfriends husband (sorry so long) got sober once he turned 65. He actually started going to church and THAT'S what got into his head to help him along with his desision to quit. Would your ah be willing to go to church? Or even attend AA meetings? A little kick in the pants can't hurt. Be careful though, once you stir up that creature of habit he might get a bit annoyed and lash out. My ah was never violent until I stood in the way of him and his alcohol. That is just my experience. I agree that going to al-anon meetings would benefit you. Good luck and I'm glad you found us. ;)
