The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I invited Ah(supuposedly sober) over to discuss our future. Our older two children are out of state, and our 2.5 yr old could not contain his excitement knowing his daddy was coming over. He will be leaving (a friend is taking him so we can talk), but it broke my heart to see this child run around with glee trying to find the perfect toy/thing to do with this "guest". This is his dad! Anyhow, finally decided to walk to the park and H asks me if I want to go. Huh?...
On Monday I emailed my H and told him the way I saw it we had two choices:
1. Make an honest attempt at counseling with no more g/f in picture
2. Get a divorce
I also said I'd be open to more suggestions, but keeping it the way it is with him pretending not to be married and carrying on an adulterous affair is not an option. It is a horrible example for the kids and they deserve more, as do I. It is immoral and torturous for me and I cannot continue.
I prayed to God to give me strength and to accept what is said. I do not want to fight, do not want to hash the past, I just want to discuss the future. Sadly, I am pretty sure I know what it holds. Though I absolutely need resolution, I am in so much pain and so scared.
Here I go, into the rest of my life...
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Lou! This came to mind when reading your post . . . "Courage is not the absence of fear, but proceeding onward in spite of it."
I see that is what you are doing. You are an example of courage for all of us right now. Asking God for strength is just about the most all purpose prayer, maybe the only prayer that we are granted 100% of the time as long as we ask for it. Just don't pray for patience! Most Alanons have way too much of that anyway.
Just remember the shots are called by both of you. I'll be keeping you in mind for the next little while . . . :) Kim
Well, it was a quiet conversation, with quite a bit of silence thrown in. I made a point of saying I didn't want to fight or rehash the past, but wanted to talk about the future. Kim, you called it right in a previous post - he didn't answer! It's funny thinking how when I wrote the email to him initially, I automaticallly thought I'd get an answer and then after posting here, you all prepared for what would really happen! I am so new at this!
Lots of discussing how miserable he is and how the end of the day is particularly difficult now that he no longer has his "crutch". I was able to quietly mention that if he is miserable with me and without me perhaps he should look at himself? What it comes down to is that he doesn't think we can get past the bad stuff and innately be what we need to be to each other. To be honest, I don't either, but I said that either way there would be "work" that was not natural - like him taking care of the kids if we separate. Bottom line for him is that if he were to submit to working on our marriage, it would be just for the kids, not us. I told him I saw it differently, that I would be doing it for our family. But, I also told him that I do not want some half-a** attempt while he has his girlfriend on the side. That was the only time I got a bit riled. I think I then moved into coming up with a block schedule for him taking care of the kids, and it ended pretty abruptly after that with him saying he need to think and write. I told him I wanted a timeline, but then didn't give one (duh), but I think he got the point that I am not waiting indefinately.
So, I did it, but it is far from over. Overall, not good, not bad. It just was. A good example of progress not perfection, I suppose. I perhaps got a bit emotional, but in the end I let him know what I wanted (us) but not at any expense. I think he got that.
As we sat duing some silent episodes this evening, I thought of all of you. It is interesting how our experiences are all so similar in some ways, but then worlds apart in others. How my situation based on my description is probably perceived way different than how it really is, as is the case for all of you. It's nice to have friends who understand. Thanks for being here.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hello Lou , good luck with your talk with hubby . I agree 3 in a relationship just dosent work . and u don't deserve to be treated that way . If your husb is still drinking I cannot help but think that a councelor will be of any help . Practicing alcoholics just dont' think right . And by the way neither do newly sober alcoholics. This is a very selfish disease and it all too often wins . Take care of yourself , keep the focus on your needs and your young son . There is nothing u can do about him . You have a right to be happy and you can do that with or with out him . Al-Anon will help u get to where u want to go, with all the support u need. If your not attending f2f meetings I hope u consider doing so in the near future .
Sounds like you were clear about your wants and needs. That it may not have gotten through to him, it got through to you and for you.
I think "no answer" is an answer. Just like refusing to make a choice is actually making a choice (to suffer the consequences of doing nothing).
My A is intelligent and good with words, and could get me going down some bushy paths. I really wanted to believe him, up until the very end I hoped it would work out. I could never get a straight answer out of him, and it took me a little while to realize he WAS answering me, by his actions, by his choices, by his reactions to my needs when I stated them. He was saying "No" over and over again. His mouth said everything else and a flashlight. But what he DID said something else. At my particular point of "having had ENOUGH" it hit me he was going to outlast me, and I felt a tremendous and simple need to end the relationship.
Why they don't wake up in time I just don't understand.
Though I can't call my A's "choices" dignified ones, in a way I allowed him the dignity of his choice and myself the dignity of responding to it.
Lou, my heart goes out to you. That's an awfully sad time, when it looks as if things might be on their way to ending. I think you were amazing, how you stated things clearly and maintained control. I know sometimes, even if the outcome isn't what I really wanted, just the fact that things are finally moving in some direction can give me energy. I hope the same happens for you.
