The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I got up later than usual to go to work. I have a little bit of flexibility in my start time. I have posted before that I live with a codependent woman and her son (I did not know till today he was a drug user). I've been largely holed up in my room for weeks because I had many many run ins with various people in this over populated house. So I stay in my room with my cats and hibernate pretty much every night.
So this morning I got up and was in somewhat of a rush. I am exhausted from dealing with the a's many many crises. Even though I do not live with him (and have not for months) his many many crises affect me tremendously. So I am exhausted and not paying that much attention to stuff in the house. I am also trying really super hard not to be invovled. So I go out to the kictchen this morning to do a quick washing up and lo and behold the young man from upstairs is outside. I had an idea he went out all night a lot because I have heard him clomping up and down the stairs. Now I know what's he going to do...
I siad hello and went back to my room to get my stuff for work.
So then when I went outside he started this long litany of how I had ignored him and how he was waiting outside to get in the house and why didn't I come out!!! His voice was all slurred and his speech was incredible and he couldn't even remember my name.
I told him (and I really wish I had not apologised) that I was late getting up, tired and exhausted and having to go to work.
This episode was a milestone for me because I deal daily with the A's distorted thinking. One of his neighbors has similar distorted thinking (he is a substance abuser too). I keep waiting for them to thiink straight. The A is not using anymore (he is penniless). but his thinking is way way way off. I imagien there will be a long long detox for him.
I came away from that encounter exhausted and afterwards felt fed up about it. I also came away thinking why am I still expecting people who are on substances to think of me. The young man couldn't conceive I had a life, was grumpy about going to work, was minding my own business and not solely focused on his needs and only his needs. He could not concieve of it. The A I deal with is the same way. And I keep calling him selfish when he is really just quite ill. Selfish is a whole other parameter he can't get to. None of his needs are being met and none of mine are being met either.
Hi my dear Mary, Ok sometimes in alanon we find we need to be tough with another member. I know for me, I learned lots from the questions that may have been uncomfortable.
I love you my alanon sister. You have grown in so many ways. I want to say when I see you slipping back, "Let go and let hp." One of the main skills of alanon is we cannot help anyone else if we are allowing the disease to eat us up.
I read you are saying you are exausted by the disease. HIS dramas not yours.
I do relate to you mainly keeping your dogs safe. However is the A your responsibility? I know you are needing to do all you can. However when will you see that it is an endless well? The disease will suck us dry.
If we cont. to enable of course the disease is going to use us. We all have basic needs. Water, food, shelter. You have provided his basic needs, so I invite you to provide those, then walk away. Do not be his counselor, do not untangle his drama's.
Maybe pick a day, once a week to go check on things, and allow yourself to spend your energy looking for a place you can have your dogs, cats and feel at home. Mary I KNOW you can get on Craigs list and find a home. I KNOW you are very scared. However you will not find a home unless you meet people and check it out.
What could be worse than where you are anyway??? I wish so much sister I could be there to go with you and help. Would LOVE that. Hon there IS a home out there for you. School is out now, there are places available. Get going before Sept. rolls around.
If things go as I hope HP will help me, I will be able to help you soon. No one can be alone in this world. It is too dang hard.
I saw you taking care of you, and starting to feel stronger. Now here the dang disease is pulling you down again.
You can put an add in yourself. Quiet single lady with two/three cats and two dogs needs a home. One large room with bathroom and small private yard. Then state what you can pay. Maybe you can help someone who is gone lots, ask for a home where you would be able to house sit also, and or take care of their pets.
Dogs sleep most the time. When you are home take them out and walk and play and wear them out. Honey I tell ya there IS a home out there.
What I would like to work on is transportation for you somehow. You could find a place in the country where it may be a small apt. over a barn. I LOVE those.
What I am saying is, there is a home for you and your animal family. I see energy being flushed when it could be for YOU and your animal family. Mary there are people like me who may have an Rv on their property who would rent it and a yard they can fence off just for you. I am NOT the only single lady who would do this. There are people who WANT to help people like you. You have a lot to give, you are honest, dependable, caring, trustworthy. Why the H are you wasting it on the D disease????
Like I said, give him his basics and get the H out of there and take care of you and your precious animal family.
Well it seems like the exhaustion I had was as a result of an illness which I have now treated.
I think living in the house I am in has been a blessing in so many ways. This woman and her son have been such a huge lesson for me about my codependence.
I am working pretty hard on getting a place I can rent with me and my dogs. Every single day I look at listings for hours and I call/write/enquire on lots of places. I am not in a place of paralysis anymore At the same time my finances are incredibly limited. I also have to look at the A may well go to jail so it has to be a place I can live in on my own if and when that happens.
I certainly don't want to abandon my dogs or cats or things. At the same time I am human. I have to work 8-9-10 hours a day. This week is a pretty impossible week I have to just keep turning it over.
I'd ask for your prayers in that HP wil send me a place and start to get me out of this hole.
