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How do you draw the line between loving detachment and living separate lives?I am having an extremely hard time dealing with my Ah sobers lack of interest for things he used to enjoy.I understand that he needs to stay away from alcohol in order not to relapse; but I am not the one with the problem and I refuse to stay at home while he goes to meetings and takes care of himself.I have a full life with family and friends everywhere and I enjoy the occasional social drink.Now that my husband has become a hermit, how do I reconcile my desire to do things with him with my own desire to live my life?I have not been doing this for long, and I dont want my marriage to fall apart over sobriety.
Do what makes you happy. Your A will see the difference in you and he will want it. Your goal is to work on you and not worry about what your A does. It sounds cruel but it works, try it. Remember to add the respect that he deserves. The please and thank you's go along way.
Yours is a tough dilemma dollface. And I perfectly understand that you are feeling pulled in two directions. Perhaps the two of you could arrange for YOUR "nights out" with your friends, and other times when you and A do something together that does not include drinking. A teetotaler myself, I could recommend a million fun things to do, but I'll leave those activities to your imagination.
You may not be the one with the problem, but you will forever be affected by it, and only you can decide whether you are going to be affected positively or negatively. I think there is a fair and equal balance to be found here.
Good luck and best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It seems you are having problems with change. I did also. So is your husband. He has had to make big changes or loose everything including maybe his life. Alcoholism is the toughest of diseases and it affects everyone it comes into contact with before, during and after. You can take the stance of "He's gotta change but I don't have to. This doesn't have anything to do with me!!" or you can try the Al-Anon Family Groups and face to face meetings for 90 days and then make the decision about what it is you would like to have happen to your life. You will get a better perspective on your questions regarding detachment and living separate lives. (Those are somewhat related subjects and not exactly)
When my wife stopped drinking and was attending AA meetings I was where you are at now and having the same problem. I went to a couple of Al-Anon Meetings and was too angry, frustrated, jealouse, confused, unwilling and more to continue. "Why should I change?" I resisted. "Why should I have to attend this recovery thing?" and then the night came when she came home from an AA meeting and asked me, "Do you think I am an alcoholic?" From my very best lack of awareness, self centeredness, anger and fear (and more) I promptly responded "No"...and then she went back out (drinking) for a very long time and our marriage ended because of the disease of alcoholism in which she and I both played a part.
Just a suggestion. Get to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and read as much program literature about the disease of alcoholism as you can get your hands on during that period of time. With this new knowledge and awareness you will then be able to come to a conclusion for yourself and own the consequences of that choice.
Keep coming back here often. Read the many sharings that have been posted here by many others who have or are still wearing your shoes; what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.
For me this is where the "sickeness and health" vow comes in. Through our lives we change, in a marriage all we can do is readjust and make it comfortable.
We cannot change them. I worked on me. I sat with him and watched movies, worked with him outside. Or I just enjoyed the fact he was in recoery, and was on the property somewhere.
Sure I went thru the pain of wanting more, wanting to go and do. But that part of us was not happening. In time it was ok to be home becuz I loved him.
Marriage is a living thing. It goes thru changes. It has to be nurtured.
Sadly being married to an A is so difficult. We cannot go by the usual helps.
I remember A would go to where ever and I could tell he was miserable so it ruined it for me. We went to the movie,"What Dreams May Come," and he let out a rip roaring snore!" NO I never went to the movies with him again.
For me it was ok in time to go goof around with my mother or friends. We hiked and all that.
My time with AH was being at work with him, sitting eating a good meal watching a movie he always fell asleep in front of. I was just thankful he was still with me in recovery.
It helps to remember they are VERY ill. If he had cancer and was like this how would you feel? It is a disease, it controls a lot of his behavior and always will. It is so hard for us to really, really get that they are sick.
I know you grieve what you guys used to share, that is past. This is now. Being married to an A we have to be able to keep balanced even though our A has trouble with that.
I would give about anything to have my ah here with me on his butt watching tv, puddering outside, in recovery going to meetings. In my life I do my best to be thankful for my loved ones just as they are. Yes we get married for a companian. We never know however, when that may change.
We all say when we choose to leave, "I made vows, I meant it when I said I would stay forever, I wanted to be with him/her until I died."
It is hard work to stay with an A.
Glad you are here, keep coming back. Don't be afraid to have part of your life your own. We are still individuals, we just choose to share a lot of our life with another.
There is no need for you to protect your husband in his quest for sobriety. He may be dismayed to find out, but the liquor stores, the state stores and any other institution has not stopped doing business simply because he has decided to stop purchasing liquor and is trying to straighten his life out. Now, having said that, I'm with the others: you are allowed, and encouraged, to have your nights out. I think it would be good for both of you to have personal space so you can do what you need to do. Dinner? Go forth! A good movie? Enjoy! Why not simply sitting in the local shopping center reading books in the book store you have no intention of buying? You are not his baby sitter. You are not his mother. You are an independent, adult, and mature woman. Go forth and enjoy, good woman!
Hello Doll face , detachment is tricky for me , I have discovered I too have an obsessive personallity, and when I started to work detaching sucessfully I went over board ,every new attitude seems to have a adjustment period for me , I need to find healthy balance . DO you attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself , if not I hope u consider doing so . His meetings are what are keeping him sober and reasonably sane they are his life line and they come first , continue with your friends and your life , occasionally giving up a nite out with friends to share a few hrs with hubby even if it's only supper out is a good thing. By getting your own program u will be talking the same language and will eventually meet some of his friends and find couples in sobriety you can both enjoy . again that healthy balance . Conventions and roundups are a great way to meet new friends and to do things together .. It was a real shock to me when someone said A alcoholic hasn't a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old attitude , I was the old attitude , every one has to change not just the alcoholic . good luck hang in there . Sober is a good thing after al lit is what we prayed for , right ?? Louise
When I want the occasional social drink I go out with one of my girlfriends. I have respect for my husband to not drink in front of him or talk to him about it. He has to handle things all by himself. I quit smoking but my ah smokes...he knows to smoke outside and away from me because even though I haven't had a cigerette in years I might just light one up. You just have to have respect for each other. My ah and I are night and day but we make things work somehow. I don't make him do the things I like and he does the same. You have to find a balance without being disresectful to each other. Good luck.
All I can add is "the line" between loving detatchment and separate lives will move around, go back and forth. When my actively using A was still in the home, I was able to find moments and days of peace. Some days, I needed to draw the line lightly in the sand, those were good days. Other days, increasing toward the end, I had to live a separate life from him for my own sake.
This must be true in any relationship.
The "problem" I initially had -- very much like your question -- was my own fear that if I detatched the relationship would just die, and it would be my fault. Or, I would detatch and the A would go ballistic. He wanted me with him all the time, outside working, watching TV, going somewhere . . . it angered him when I worked on my artwork, spent time chillin' with the goats and chickens. He just wanted me within reach, and I used to actually *feel* his tension when I was off doing my own thing, whether we were having a good day or not.
I'm sure lots of Alanons have this same experience, feeling that gravitational pull from the needy alcoholic, feeling like you are violating some code of ethics by not staying available to the A 24/7. I used to wish he was like some A's I hear of on this board, who go the opposite route and hole up with their booze and shut their loving wives/husbands out entirely. But I'm sure I'd have had a problem with that too :D .
We can care very deeply, stay very in touch, and yet remain detatched in a healthy and respectful way. The two are not incompatible at all. In fact, I'm learning a healthy relationship is healthily detatched. The friends do not crawl up inside each other's bodies and parasitize each other or get emotionally enmeshed. I couldn't learn friendship from my parents, they had no friends, and taught relationships were enmeshed, controlling and chock full o' drama. I've learned from many others over my life how to be healthily detatched from anyone and every one. I stay out of their business unless asked. I avoid advice if possible.
Detachment from others is a gift of dignity TOWARD THEM. It is respect, it is a positive thing. It is so simply yet so difficult in a relationship with an alcoholic. Alanon spends much time on this subject, thankfully, and I always appreciate this topic when it comes up.
One thought I had while reading your post, Dollface (love that name!) -- is he avoiding doing some things because he doesn't know how to do them without alcohol? Once, when my A was trying to quit, he mentioned that he wouldn't be on his board for awhile (he has a board like this one that he spends hours on) because he always drank while reading and posting, and it wouldn't be good to go there while he was so new at trying to stop. Just a thought....
