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I'm new to this board. I just needed somewhere to go...talk...after last night. Needing to not feel alone. I don't even know where to start.
Found out about a 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant. I knew the husband was an alcoholic when I married him...but stupid me thought that this time things would be different. At least this A got himself to work everyday and seemed fairly in control and the sober times were great. He has a passion for life that is infectious...almost childlike wonder.
Anyhow, I'm rambling. I found out I was pregnant...he didn't want me to have the child. I finally told him that there was no way I could have an abortion, that I was sorry that I was forcing him to make this huge decision...whether to stay with me and raise this child or leave it all behind. He told me then that we would work it out. Of course, we were also arguing about his drinking...I told him that it was becoming a big problem especially with the new life on his/her way.
He brushed me off and then we got into a huge fight after he had been at the bar alnight. Yes, I know, you should never argue with someone who is drunk...but it happened. He threw the wedding ring at me, pounded the floor several times, claimed that I didn't love him anymore, that I didn't know him or his hard life...and on and on.
The next day...he apologized and promised to quit. I knew this wasn't going to stick...but for almost not quite but almost a week...he didn't drink. We were both being more affectionate. I could tell though 6 days later that he had been out drinking, but he wasn't drunk and I didn't want to nag...so I let it go. Then the next night, he was visibly drunk and wanted to know if I was mad at him for being "slightly drunk." I told him I was disappointed and then I started crying (I'm blaming the hormones on this one...I'm 6 weeks pregnant right now). We went to sleep without speaking to each other.
Last night...though, was the doozy. He got off work and was being moody, so I asked him what was wrong...if he wanted to talk. He did his usual thing (which he's doing more and more often) where he gives me the silent treatment or gives me the "you're hurting me" look...I was patient. I asked him again if there was something he wanted to say. He said he didn't know how we were going to afford this child. He has a right to be scared...I told him this, but I said like every other person out there that can't quite afford a child...we'll get by. He scoffed at that...and started playing video games...so I said, "I guess you're done talking so I'm going back to my work" (I'm in grad school). He got upset, paused the game and glared at me. I said patiently again, "I'm not trying to fight, but I'll finish school, get a job through my networks at school, and we'll manage. I'm not asking you to change your job or get another one. I'll have to change my plans (for getting a PhD) but I'm okay with that." He then got offended that I hadn't informed him that I wasn't getting the PhD anymore...then got mad because I hadn't turned in the health plan application...meanwhile spouting at me all the stuff that he's pissed at me, he's putting on his socks and shoes. It was 1:34 am...so there's not a whole lot of places he was going other than the bar....as he walked out the door he said to me angrily that by the time his dad was his age he had 2 kids and was divorced, I asked him what that had to do with our life and he just walked out. (His dad is an A, has been since he was a small child) He got home at 3 and I was still awake...so I got up at 5, got dressed, and went into the office to work.
Sorry this is so long...I don't really expect you to read this...I just needed to vent...I think I'll browse the other posts...I'm not ready to throw the towel in...but its not easy...and its not going to get any easier when the babe is born...I'm scared. I'm trying hard to do that "whole live your own life" thing but its not easy when this part of my life is falling apart....
Dont "Expect" us to read this...lol Thats our problem we have too may "Expectations". I once was told, Expectations are pre- meditated resentments....sounds good.
Well, First of all, ((((((((((((((((welcome))))))))))) to mip.... We are here to help relieve your load, we have many people who have, and are still living from different situations. Most probly have been where you are.
Me, ive never been married or have kids so, im kind of limited as to what I can say.
All I will say is, YOU and the BABY need to come first. Stress is not good for either of you. Try and not get yourself so uptight by his comments (i know its not easy)... Keep comming here, listening and you will soon learn new ways of dealing with your situation. It's all about changing OUR attitudes.
We also have a chatroom, You will find it on the home page. It' open 24/7 and they do meetings twice a day...Come along and try us...
Welcome to MIP and of course we're going to read your post. Thank you by the way for choosing to post your feelings, its really healthy to get them out.
I was almost exactly where you are now four years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my now AH's child. We were living it up, new in our relationship and having a grand ole time. I didn't realize he was an A until we got pregnant and he said he wanted to be apart of our lives. I asked him to either cut the drinking down or stop. When he couldn't do that I realized then he had a problem. By that time, I was invested in my pregnancy and was in love with my AH. Then we found out we were having twins. What a shocker for both of us. He went to AA he tried, but was not convinced that he was an A. So of course he went back to the drinking and drugging. There was lots of fighting and power struggles over his drinking, money, how to pay for the kids, etc.
Life changed when they arrived for both of us, but he was still going through periods of sobriety then back to using. He attempted AA 3 other times, but everytime he'd find a reason that AA was not for him, he could control the drink on his own, it was my fault putting too much pressure on him, making him crazy. Finally I found Alanon and Alanon told me to put the focus back on me and the kids and take my hands off his drinking and drugging. That was really scary to me. I just kept thinking that I didn't want my children raised in this environment. What I was able to do is create an atmosphere in my home that had structure, and love. We both love our kids, but sometimes he's not available to them. He gets moody, withdraws from us, and the kids feel that.
So during those times, we keep having fun, we still do things with our without him. They know he loves them, but they also know to some extent that he's sick. AH is now a little over 90 days sober because his drinking and drugging got so out of control one night he almost killed himself and wrecked our van. I had to send him away to a Detox and then he found a halfway house to live for a couple of months. It wasn't until he got to the halfway house and had some good "dryout" time that he realized what he'd done and how his addiction had been destroying his life and our lives. He found a good sponser, attends meetings, and is actually working his program, slowly, but working it. He has shown some good growth the last 90 days, and we are slowly re-building our family.
Best thing you can do for you, is take care of yourself and new baby. Set boundaries for you that protect you and your peace and serenity. The more you focus on you and your peace and serenity the happier you will feel. The changes begin with us, if you have face to face meetings in your area give them a try. Read some literature and keep posting to us here. The support system you build will be invaluable to you at this time. Eventually you will figure out what is the right choices to make for you and your baby. Your AH will have to make his own choices too, nothing you can do about those choices he makes.
Hope some of this helps, take what you like and leave the rest.
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Dear Lil Pieces - Here is my story in a nutshell as it relates slightly to yours. I got pregnant w/my first and only boyfriend pretty much the week I turned 18. I was a senior in high school. He had just graduated through completion at summer school. He was living w/his great grandma and had just bought a hunk of junk small rattle trap car to get him back & forth to his very low paying job. We got married right away and moved in w/my folks in a very small house where my brother was staying also. Things were rough. He went out on the weekends and partied all the time. I had to listen to my parents criticize his lack of responsibility constantly. Finally a week or 2 after our beautiful son was born, my dad came home from work, slung some apartment guides at me and said find a place to live. He got into a HUGE fight w/my AH, who drove off in his crap car leaving me at the mercy of my family. I called me sister who came & got me and I (w/our newborn son) stayed w/her while we looked for our very 1st very small very roach infested apartment. Over the 1st few years, things were rough. Money very tight. I received WIC for formula for the baby and there were times we didn't have any money for diapers. I remember putting cloth diapers on for a week here and there until we had enough money to get disposable ones. We lived off of baked potatoes, tuna fish on saltines and noodles. One time we even sat through a 3 hour demonstration of a Rainbow Vaccum just to receive the complimentary 2 liter of soda. And looking back at all of this 14 1/2 years later, I think man we had come a long way since then. I ended up going to business school for 9 months to get a certificate in Legal Administration when my son was 1 years old (that was really tough but totally do-able).
Over the years my AH partied away a lot of money and now is not only drinking but on cocaine. So my situation has changed drastically. My point to sharing this is that "where there is a will, there is a way". I love both of my kids (14 yo son and 5 yo daughter). I wouldn't turn back time and risk not having them for anything. All the good times and bad times over the life our my marriage have been totally worth it b/c I got my 2 lovely children out of the deal.
When I first got pregnant at 18, we were scared. We didn't know how we would make it but we managed. And now, when I think I can't possibly continue on, I think about all I conquered back then at such a young age and know that I am capable of getting through whatever comes my way. You will too. Concentrate on youself and that baby that is growing inside of you. Your husband may just need time to adjust to the whole "father" idea. Maybe he worries he will let his own child down the way his father let him down. You never know what is truly going on in the mind of an alcoholic. So give it some time and see where things take you. Also, right now at such an early stage in your pregnancy, it is very very important to get plenty of rest, plenty of fluids and minimize your stress. So concentrate on your health and that of your baby's. Let you husband work out his issues.
Welcome Lil Pieces, I believe by now you've seen that your situation is a shared one, there are lots of us out here!
You can "belong" to Alanon whether or not your husband goes to AA or not. Alanon is about taking care of you no matter what the alcoholic is doing.
From your post, you seem to have many of the principles down already. What a sink hole it is to argue with a drunk, and a healthy focus on what YOU need to do for yourself and the baby.
We tell newcomers that alcoholism is a disease, and the alcoholic, whether drinking or not, is an alcoholic their entire lives. In order to put the disease in remission, they must first not drink and second participate in an active recovery program. All these things WE spouses cannot do for them, they must want it for themselves.
All we have is power over our own lives, and our own lives get neglected or downplayed living 24/7 with an active alcoholic. We can get so focussed on the alcoholic, and what they are doing or not doing, that we forget ourselves. This is the source of our misery, not what the alcoholic is doing.
Check out your area for Alanon meetings, and keep coming back here to "let it out", share your experiences with us. It's SO WORTH IT! And definitely take care of yourself, ugh, 6 wks pregnant . . . I was hurling and so tired, I'll never forget. Take lots of naps if you can!
Hello Lil , so glad u found this room and board to share your feelings . Take care of yourself and enjoy your pregger days . A baby is a gift . Alcoholics don't like responsibility much and baby means that , it's not personal nature of the disease , this is a very selfish disease , its always about them . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand where your at and how your feeling , you will make new friends and once settled in al anon you are never alone again , unless of course u choose to be. There is nothing u can do about him , arguing , begging , crying , threatning and ultimatums just don't work .Your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you , yor not the reason he drinks regardless of what he says , he is looking for someone to blame. Grad school , how exciting for you , keep going don't give up on your dream . With or with out him u will be okay . get the focus on your needs for a change and your life will change for the better .
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I am trying really hard today to get stuff done and not let his alcoholism derail my life. I do have awesome people in my Master's Program cohort, who are already a big help to me...one is driving me to get the health plan application in so I don't have to take a bus 30 minutes to and back. I've also decided that I need to make a schedule for myself. Its summer, so I'm mainly working on my thesis and doing some "free-lance" work for Professors here...but its work I can do from home...so typically I do. But the office is only a few blocks away and I think it really helps my mindset to get out. Especially when he's dealing with his hangover or we're fighting...(we live in a tiny studio...so its hard to just leave the room when I don't want to deal with his anger or drunkenness, the furthest I could possibly get is the bathroom 7 feet away....HEH!) Plus I tend to run into my cohort people who are the healthy emotionally supportive people in my life here at the office...
Thanks again...I'll probably be lurking the boards and posting some more in the near future. Knowing how you should react is a far cry from being able to actually react that way...
I'm an Alcoholic. I'm now 10 Months sober. I was in pretty much the exact situation except I already had 2 small children.
I feel for you for sure. Right now, your A is seeing all things as being put against HIM. You are against HIM ("you dont love me") and the hurtful expressions he gives you. He feels you are trying to control him and he does not like it, and acts hurt because of it.
He sounds very much like my type of A. Not violet, but emotionally unstable.
Does he admit he is an A?
Has he tried a program before?
The leaving after an arguement is typical. The fights I'd have with my wife meant an automatic 2 beers and garage isolation...and I drank alone and at home.
You are at the right place and I hope things get better for you.
Hey Ironman, He does admit to being an A, but he also says he has no reason to quit...that he can quit anytime he wants or cut back with no problems. he likes to cite his 2 year sobriety when he was forced to go into rehab at 17...of course that was 10 years ago...but. His father is an A as well, but my A says he'll never be anything like him. He vehemently swears upon it. I'm not sure if he realizes that his dad probably didn't plan on being the way he is when he was younger. Actually most of his family has substance abuse problems. and yes he is definitely emotionally unstable...that is a perfect way to describe him...not violent at all but very good about putting on puppy dog eyes.
Hey Ironman, He does admit to being an A, but he also says he has no reason to quit...that he can quit anytime he wants or cut back with no problems. he likes to cite his 2 year sobriety when he was forced to go into rehab at 17...of course that was 10 years ago...but. His father is an A as well, but my A says he'll never be anything like him. He vehemently swears upon it. I'm not sure if he realizes that his dad probably didn't plan on being the way he is when he was younger. Actually most of his family has substance abuse problems. and yes he is definitely emotionally unstable...that is a perfect way to describe him...not violent at all but very good about putting on puppy dog eyes.
Ok. An A is an A. His father is a different type than he is. my grandfather was violent, I am not. We are still A.
It's tough to really DO SOMETHING about the issues. After I knew deep inside I had a problem, and after the wife telling me several times, I decided to stop drinking on the weekdays. I then only drank Fri Sat and Sun. I was so proud of myself. What a crock!!!! Weekend turned into marathon binges.
He will not be able to deal with your new situation until he has months of sobriety.
Nobody is ever truly "ready" to have children. You make it work.
Those Puppy dog eyes will soon be irritating to you and it will confuse him more. He plays Video Games? Time to grow up a bit IMO.
Ultimatums worked for me. AA or the Highway. I know that's tough for you to draw since you are newly pregnany and first time....you don't want to chance losing him right?
Well. He needs to know that:
1. YOU WILL BE THERE FOR HIM and will support him, but not in drink or drug
2. Family History should open his eyes a little.
3. If he admits to being an A, then he can't drink.
4. If he resents what his parents did to him through their Aism....ask him if he wants to do the same to his child.
I hope things go well for you and let me know if he's willing to talk to someone from the program. I'm not a hard liner AA, but I know it's changed my life for the better as long as I follow the principles more often than not. I was able to repair it all when my wife and I were in worse shape than you guys sound. Hope is not lost. Only another A can open his eyes. Nobody else can really do that.
My A also thought he could quit whenever he wanted to, and he had 2 good reasons to think that. One, he'd quit heroin 10-15 years ago cold turkey when he decided he'd had enough with no Nar-anon or any other help, and if you can quit heroin, surely you can quit alcohol. And two, when he was forced years ago by other circumstances to not drink for months and years at a time, he was able to do that without a major problem.
The problem is, this is a progressive disease. It keeps getting worse. He's now at the point where he admits he can't quit without help. By Day 2 of not drinking he starts uncontrollably shaking. Who knows what happens beyond that -- he hasn't gotten that far. He knows even if he'd make it through detox he'd never stay quit without some kind of other support. I haven't heard the "I can stop whenever I want to" in at least a year.
Maybe there was a time when he could have quit alcohol like he did heroin and never look back. Now he's far enough along that's not the case. I hope the same doesn't happen with your boyfriend, and that he is either early enough in the alcoholism that he can stop, or that he decides to get the help he needs. One thing is for sure: if he's an alcoholic, there's no "cutting back." He may cut back for a short time, but eventually he'll be right back where he was.
