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We had a good weekend together, AH and I. Went to a party, danced, laughed, kissed. Went out to eat with a friend Monday night. Tuesday night (last night) he was acting irritable when I got home, so I mowed a little, then went to Walmart. Got home, he was still acting like a jerk. Started grouching about his work situation...they are all incompetent a$$es, he is the only smart one there...blah blah blah. I listened for a minute or two, told him to stop thinking about work for the evening. He mentioned having a friend come over Thurs. and Fri. during the day while we are at work to start helping put siding on the house. I asked a couple of questions about the siding, and he became very enraged, tried to argue with me. I said I wasn't going to fight (in a nice, quiet tone) and calmly came inside. He stayed outside until after I went to bed. I got up this morning and there laid his wedding band CUT IN TWO on the kitchen counter. Along with a mean nasty note, again. Why am I even still here. Why don't I get mad back? I have been married 4 times before (as he never lets me forget) and I never would have put up with all this meanness. The thing is, when things are good, they are very good. He has so much anger inside. Called my MIL this morning, had to have someone to talk to, everyone is at work. Wish I could check myself into a nut ward for a few weeks. I am really feeling crazy. Why would I love someone who doesn't love me? I have never done that before. If they hurt me, I left. Packed up and moved, got divorced. Why can't I get to that point now? The way I feel, I would rather just lay down and die. Sorry that sounds crazy, but it is how I feel. Feel like my life is over, I have made too many mistakes, and cannot ever get it right. The one man I have loved with all my heart doesn't love me anymore. What a cruel joke this life is. Sure got the tables turned on myself this time. I was always the one who left, now I am the one who is being left...daily. He won't even make love with me, it has been a month. Before that, about 6 weeks. We used to everyday. That was only 7 years ago! From when we got back together in 1997 until about 2003, we never even had a cross word between us. Life was good. And he was drinking then. Progression, I guess. I hate this disease, it has cost me too much, my uncle, my daddy, now my husband. It never stops and it never sleeps. It only devours all the good in the world. Today, I am going with my daughter and her husband to have her sonogram done. So, hopefully we will know if we are having a boy or a girl to love. We are praying for a girl. I am so devestated, I am afraid my daughter will know something is wrong. She hates my AH for things from the past, so she always looks for me to be upset, then she gets upset. Then her husband gets in on it.......too much drama. I will try to post when I get home from the sonogram. Hope I can maintain myself. I just want to lay down and die. Feel the world would be better off with me not it it. All I do is mess things up. Nothing I do works. Everyday is a struggle. I am tired of struggling. I am tired. I want to just go. I am ready. I wish God would just take me....why am I still here. Becky1
Dear Sweet Becky - You are in need of some serious hugs right now. (((((((((((((BECKY)))))))))))))))))
I hate to see you beat yourself up like this over your AH's disease. You need to figure out a way to detach when his mood turns ugly. And who is he really hurting by cutting his wedding ring in half? Himself. B/c once his sour mood mellows, he will regret it. He will want to put his ring back on but won't be able to b/c it is in 2 pieces. Besides that, for me, wedding rings were just a physical thing that we used to taunt each other w/threats of seperation. When we were happy, we wore them. When we were mad, we took them off. What is in a ring anyway? Nothing! They are just a very expensive piece of metal. Sure initially upon saying your vows they meant something but over time and bad experiences, they lose their meaning. No longer a symbol of devotion and love and happiness. So just put that aside for now and concentrate on you and your daugther and that wonderful baby she is expecting. Time for you to find some joy in life and it is right there in front of you. Babies are little miracles. They can pick up your spirits when you are feeling down. So amazing they are, even before they are born.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please find some time for yourself. Find that peace and serenity you so deserve. Detach from all of that chaos in life and concentrate on making the future brighter, happier and better for yourself. No regrets about the past. What is done is done. We cannot change that but we can use the knowledge gained from our experiences to change the future. Take care of you. :)
OMG, WHY, do we continue to allow ourselves to be "Dragged" down like this. I know your married and im not, but it's ALL about them. I've also spent the last three days crying over the A in my life. Why was he so cruel to me? Yep, one second they are all loving and happy with us, Then It all goes wrong.
I am struggling to let go of this person in my life. As you know, He's been in my life for so long as a friend. But this relationship stuff, has ruined everything we ever had. He's feeling "Guilty" and it's screwing him up...GOOD!!
I've been suffering for long enough, everytime I went back, I had a sense of false hope, I belived his feelings were changing for me...lol How stupid was I.
Call It, inexperience, nievity, whatever, I constantly went back, looking for him to love me. Today I spoke to my sponsor, and something clicked..
I am "Loveable" I am "Worth being loved" I "Deserve" to be loved. I have so much "Love" to give to someone.....who can return it 100%.
My life can become so much more happier, with someone else, I have never let that be an option for me.
Last night I joined a dating agency...lol (I know).. I spoke on the net with 4 guys last night, ok 1 was kind of "looking for sex" Not interested..lol But 2 of them were nice, and one wasn't that far from me..
There IS a life out there waiting for me. I am young, free and single...I am a nutjob, with a great personallity, great hopes for myself. WHY am I still hanging on to the crumbs..
No longer... I will love this guy from afar, but I am no longer dening happiness from entering my life, for an "Immature, sick, selfish, egotistical, man", who gives a sh*t for no-one but himself....
Becky!!! First off the world needs you!! You have a beautiful grandbaby coming who needs a grandma and your daughter is going to need your support and wisdom and babysitting skills LOL! Is this guy bipolar or something? One day happy and dancing and the next cutting rings in half. This ring has been a bone of contention from the beginning and he is just playing games with you jerking your heart strings. Maybe you should be rid of it. Melt it down and turn it into something nice for yourself. You can't keep beating yourself up over things HE does. I know when I was with my A we were so intertwined I couldn't imagine living without him now I can't imagine living with him. You said when you first got back together things were great, you were apart before? Perhaps another break is in order? Just some thoughts but are the few good times worth all this? I don't think I have ever heard you sound suicidal before. If you step away just for one day at a time and sit back and see what happens I know you will get better. This is NOT your fault! As far as why you stick around my only guess is that those other 4 marriages are looming over you and you're afraid to walk away again, afraid of what it means about you but there's nothing wrong with you, you're not the one acting like a nut! He's taking you for granted and you're letting him get away with treating you like this. Just my observation, don't know if it helps but take what you like......
I hate that you are feeling such sadness and despair over this, but I know too that when my AH got into those moods basically "taking my inventory" instead of his own, it hurt like heck.
Your life is so valuable and precious and I agree with what everyone else has posted that your daughter and new grandbaby need you and your wisdom. If your AH wants to basically act out and be miserable, let that be his choice. You do not have to take on his misery and you can choose not to believe the terrible things he's said. It's not your fault that his disease has progressed to this stage. It's not your fault when he feels miserable. If he believes he'll be happier on his own, let him go Becky because your life is too precious to play those games. My AH has used our relationship as a weapon many times to hurt me with. What I realized is that when I made up my mind and began to realize that I could be fine with or without him those threats didn't hurt so bad, and yes they were threats, manipulation tactics that I had taught him worked in the past and so he kept using them.
I allowed those threats and his rants and raves to give him what he wanted in the past, but all it did was drain me of my precious energy and peace. I don't play into his bad moods now. You know what he hasn't used that as a threat in almost two months. I shut up and don't engage, so IMHO what you are doing is the best thing by not letting his anger taunt you and get you to fight back.
Of course he wants you to get mad and fight back, it makes him feel better about his guilt and misery!!! Thing that he can't see is that when you say, If you choose to be angry so be it, I'm going in the house to do something else, that is your way of saying, I don't have to take this abuse and your crap buddy. He might see it as being passive, I see it as you putting it back on him to deal with. Hope some of this helped. Please take care of you and spend some time if you can doing something today that makes you happy, your life might not be perfect, no one's is, but its your life and its your gift to share with others. Share it with the people who appreciate you like your daughter and soon to be that new baby.
Peace and Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
He wants you to fight back because then he can justify to himself what a b**** you are, and that it's your fault he drinks, blah, blah, blah...
I still fall into the same trap, either fighting back (I'm getting much better at just walking away or hanging up - I have an advantage in that we don't live together anymore) or trying to placate him and agree with him just to smooth things over. They both take so much energy, and frankly, I can use that energy for something a lot more productive (like not answering the phone - gotta love caller ID).
And you are right about the "no more good times" - this IS a progressive disease. And when the desire for alcohol progresses, I believe the insanity, irrationality, and guilt increase exponentially. Some of the conversations that I've had with the A in my life, after he moved out, were downright scary in that they were so self-absorbed and so out in left field. If there was something worse your A could have done rather than cut the wedding band in half, he would have. And it is something he'll regret, because he's apologized before for hurting you. He's just upping the ante and going for more "gotcha", and I don't think there's a rational person who could explain why he's doing that. In the A's addled mind, it seemed like a good idea at the time. With the A in my life, he'll say the most hurtful, berating things to me, then call back a few hours later asking me to do him a favor. And we're supposed to make sense of that? Not gonna happen.
In the meantime, look at what you've accomplished in your life. A new grandbaby on the way - is this your first? I don't have children, but I hear that grandkids are WAY more fun than your own kids!
I'll keep you in my thoughts, Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
BTW, I hear you're going to have a granddaughter!!! Congratulations!!
Now on to my snarky remark. I'd cut the wedding ring again into quarters and give it back to him. Sometimes you just can't put what you want to say in words. Well, I'd like to do that to him anyway :D .
I HATE seeing your energy being sucked up by this constant drama. That's all I have to say. You sound so tired, I mean really, really tired. I am concerned, but too I'm really glad you got it out among friends and now have the miracle of a granddaughter to keep your spirits up. Please take care of yourself! Kim
He cut the ring in two??? OMG. I'd tell him where to put that ring then. (((HUGS))) I hope you realize you should have better. Who cares if you've been married 100 times.......keep going until you find the right one....I can tell you this..........he's NOT it!
So far, I have not talked or seen my AH today, except when I got home from a friends house he was sitting in the livingroom, acting like he was asleep. I got some things together for the evening, put on makeup, changed clothes, and left. I am at the library right now, but I did go buy some new shoes, and plan on stopping for dinner somewhere, then maybe by a friend's house, then home for a good night's sleep. I surely need it. I am exhaused. Pain is very tiring. I don't have the money to move right now, and even if I did, we are buying the house on land contract, and I sure don't want to lose any of the hard work we put into it. It will be paid for in 5 years. I doubt he will live that long at the rate he is drinking and smoking, but I may be surprised. Am going to quit trying to be nice to him, he sure isn't nice to me. I won't be mean, I just "won't be" anything. Turn a deaf ear. Block him out. For today. I don't know about tomorrow. One day at a time, right? Love in Recovery, Becky1
Becky the wedding ring was to hurt you and it worked , ya don't see him packing his bags . Let it go , you will get the oportunuity to tell him in the future how much that hurt you . Are you going to f2f meetings for yourself , if not please get to a meeting u need support . you don't have to do this alone . You can't afford to leave now so work this program and BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED !!!!! Al-Anon will show u how to do that . goodluck becky . think of the sick little mind that was sober enough to cut that ring in half , I would put the 2 pieces on his side of the dresser or ina drawer so you don't have to look at them . If he wants another ring , let him worry about it . (hugs)
Becky, I'm glad you came here to unload your troubles. You aren't alone and you know it. You know so well how one day at a time works, and I hope you stick with that thought. You are permitted to block all that crap out! Take care of Becky :) pw
I am sorry you are going through this. Remember his disease is a progressive one. Don't waste your time and energy on him. Refocus on yourself. Time to take back your life. You've got ALOT of life ahead of you. Take all that wasted energy on the A, and put it to good use. You can do this. You've done it before. Abby's right, time to get to some f2f meetings. They will really help. You may even find an unexpected friend.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
