The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In earlier posts I wrote how my AHsober asked if his A affair could be at our Open House for our business. Well, it didn't happen, but the whole experience really was what I needed to push me toward resolution. I saw how distorted his thinking really is, and how little he thinks of me. Then yesterday we spontaneously allowed our 2 oldest kids to return to Utah with their aunt and uncle for some R & R with thier cousins. They certainly need it. Unbelievably, as we are running around getting them packed (we only had 12 hrs notice), he called to see what was going on and became furious that I was not taking our 2 yr old and going too. Apparently it was all in the name of wanting me to have a break with our kids, and as he put it, his attempt to be kind just turned mean and ugly. He emailed what appeared to be a heartfelt apology.
So, I emailed him back accepting the apology and then told him I need resolution in our marriage by giving two options. Since last week he indicated he would be open to going back to counseling, I gave that as one option, stating it must be an honest attempt and in doing so he would have to end his affair. The second option was to begin divorce proceedings. I also told him I was open to other suggestions, though continuing on the way things are is not one of them. I ended it by saying I wanted an answer soon so we can talk to the kids before school begins.
Though I know it was the right thing, I just feel lousy and anxiety-ridden. I have stirred up the inevitable. This was not the life I signed up for when I took my vows and definately not what I want for my kids. It just stinks! Thanks for being my sounding board. I hope someday to be able to frequently respond to others' posts like so many of you do, but I just don't believe that I have much experience, strength or hope to share.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 22:44, 2007-07-31
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, it sounds like you ruined his plans by not going.
I would not expect him to choose A or B easily. There is that slippery alcoholic thinking, you know. My A father was cohabitating with his girlfriend for two years before my mother divorced him, and he was angry and hurt when she did! He was sober too. She divorced him anyway. Sometimes the "crazy" doesn't go away with the booze.
I think some of your anxieity is knowing he will try to evade the choices you gave to him. Sometimes my anxiety is RIGHT ON the money, trying to tell me something. If he refuses to choose one of your ultimatums, what will YOU do? Maybe your anxiety is telling you that you left your butt in the wind and need a plan B just for yourself and the kids.
He has BOTH of you, his wife and his tootsie, and if you think like an alcoholic, why would he want to change that?
I respectfully agree and disagree that you stirred up the inevitable. He already screwed up with that woman, big time, you are just trying to put things right. Just make sure you have given yourself that same "ultimatum" so YOU feel safe, and taken care of.
Your struggle is brave, you are articulate, and you post your struggles. That is sharing your ESH as well.
Just to clarify, Kim, I was at the Open House, it was his "friend" who didn't show. I believe he knew I was serious when I said that I would politely introduce her to his family. He most likely suggested she not come. The event was a great success, but bittersweet. We sat there smiling with my AH introducing me as his wife and receiving kudos of a being proud, a job well done, etc.. He is very charismatic. Blech. The thing is that the public knows him for what I love him for ,but not for who he has been. Does that make sense?
So here is how naive and unseasoned I am. I never even considered he wouldn't make a choice. Duhh.... yes, why would he? I totally make his life easy and just this weekend I told him that we are no longer going to have "family" time, that his time with the kids will be his alone and that it will include taking to daycare, making lunches, matching clothes, making lunches, etc.. I have made his life so easy for him and his tootsie.
So, I guess what you are suggesting is that I plan to file if I don't here from him. If I want to end this torture, I guess there is no other way. It is hard to believe that life can get better, I feel like I am just beginning.
Thanks, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I totally identify with your post and believe me there is plenty of esh. I have an AHsober that left after 30 years. Been sober for 20 years and this situation has been more difficult to deal with then any time that he drank. I feel your pain and feel for your family. But that disease is as baffling, cunning, and insidious as the Big Book says. We all have to make choices that fit our own situations. And for me it hasn't gotten any easier after 2 years of separation. Your AHsober sounds just like mine - charming and admired by all. But you have to realize that they do a great PR job to get people to think this. My AHsober either responds calmly or explodes at things that I say or suggest. I am learning that it isn't the words that I choose - it is the disease. They prefer to think that there is something wrong with us.
I feel lousy too but I know that if they told the truth the A's feel lousier. I have to remind myself to keep the focus on myself and make some kind of progress in recovery every day. And when I have a sinking spell (like tonight and that why I post) I come here for support or make sure I go to a f2f meeting for support and look to my HP to give me guidance, serenity, and solace.
From my experience, the A wouldn't take anything I said seriously because he knew I would not stand my ground on anything. I was a wishy washy wimp. He could push my buttons and I would follow his lead. It wasn't until I followed through that he started taking me seriously. I would ask him what he wanted instead of asking myself what is was I wanted. I accepted behavior that was harmful to myself and my children. I started thinking about how I would want my daughter to act and would then act accordingly. I couldn't expect the A to respect me until I could give myself respect. It took a while and many meetings for it to take root. Sometimes I falter, but I can pick myself up and get back on track a lot quicker these days. Keep working your program and it will work for you. You're not alone.
Hey Lou, what I meant was you ruined his plans by not taking the baby and going on vacation with the older kids. Otherwise, I don't understand why he would be angry that you didn't go?
Don't beat yerself up for being naive . . . with unaddicted, normal people, you at least have a chance at bargaining :). I learned the hard way like all of us that my A was not able or willing to play fair.
Also, only you know what your Plan B is . . . for me it was "divorce" tho we weren't legally married. My A was actively using and becoming abusive. He held a claw hammer to my face and it still took me three more months to put my plan B into action.
One of my AA friends told me (with his finger in the air) that there is a big difference between Alanon types and AA types. Alanon types take people at face value, are more trusting and sometimes gullible, while AA types never trust anyone ever :D . I can see a few holes in that one but I also see his point, at least in myself.
Not trust my own husband?? Of course I trusted him, until I no longer could. I choose to see my trusting nature as a good thing, but not to be squandered on just any old body. As I broaden my horizons and get more folks in my life I will be surely tested there, but that's life.
Wanting to get me out of town was exactly what I accused him of, and my the couple of friends I shared this with thought the same thing, but the truth is that he doesn't live with me and has his own life, so what would it matter? Actually, I know he is going fishing with his 2 best buddies Wed night and Thurs. I believe it was his guilt talking (ok, yelling) and that it would make him feel better to know that I was off having fun - as if that would even begin to make up for the pain he causes. Still doesn't really make sense as to why he had such a dramatic reaction, but he did apologize (via email) in the most sincere manner I have ever seen and made a point that he truly did not have an alterior motive. I do believe that, but what does it matter anyhow?
I spoke to my Dr. this evening re getting some sleep meds. She had an interesting take on the timeline. She said Fall is a hard time, and then the holidays are rough. She thinks Martin Luther King Day is a good day given it's time of year and what it represents. For us, that would be one year of sobriety. So, my question to myself is, how can I stay married until then? There is no way I can tolerate 6 more months of an affair.
Blessings,
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Personally, I wouldn't tolerate one minute of my man being with another woman. I would file for divorce with a vengence so severe that he'd wish he didn't even have a penis much less put it in another woman!!! I would tak EVERYTHING!!! But that's just me. I can take a lot of crap but cheating isn't on that list. And then for him to have the NERVE to ask you if he could bring his mistress to an opening? Good LORD! Just remember you get the kids, you get the work but you also get the love and he gets to PAY! If he wants to start over with his little miss thing don't be "nice" and let him out of anything! Get everything you can get for you and the kids. You might feel bad about it at first, but you'll be sorry later if you don't because that bad guilty feeling goes away but once you sign there's no going back. Say what you mean and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY! He's not going to take you seriously because he's been having his cake and eating it too for the past year. Don't be who he expects you to be, react totally differently than you ever have. Those are my suggestions to you based on my own personal experience take it, leave it, I hope it helps in some way.
