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My AHsober (30 days) is about to drive me crazy. He has been cycling from being "OK" to being very angry and loud. Last night, I went to an AA Speaker meeting with him. He invited me to go. It was OK. I could relate to some of what the speaker was sharing, other parts I could not. My AH seemed fine during the meeting, but when we got home he lost it. He got so upset at the "house". Our daughter had her toys spread all over the living room (in which I didn't have time to pick up before we left the house), the dishes hadn't been washed and put away yet, and the dogs were a bit smelly. He freaked! It's not like he didn't know the house was this way before we left. He slept all friggin afternoon and I had my hands full with our 2 1/2 year old. My daughter ended up spending the night with her Nana, which he didn't like either. It took every ounce of energy for me to turn my back on his behavior and not feed into it. In the past, I would feed into it and try to make him feel better. This time.. I did not. I pulled out my Alanon One Day at a Time book and opened to a selection that discussed not running away from your problems. Funny, that is exactly what I wanted to do last night. All I want to do is scream. I have my first therapy appointment this morning. I'm nervous about it. If I had an ALanon meeting to go to I would, believe me. All I want to do right now is just cut him off and kick him out. I cannot control him, but I don't have to be affected by his disease. But it is REALLY hard to separate myself from it. I want to break away, be free, and leave it all behind. I must go get ready for my appt., but I'm going to sit for a moment and try to give this to my HP. I'm so tired of crying and feeling sad. Thanks for listening.
Way to go on not feeding into his mood last night. My AH is a little over 90 days sober and he can still get in those moods where everything gets on his nerves and guess who's to blame. You got it!! What I have learned working this program is that when my AH gets into blaming, shaming, rages, etc. It's not about me he's upset about something in his life that is not working. It could be his guilt or his frustration about something else. My AH is just used to blaming everyone and everything for his problems except for taking on the responsibility himself. Once he gets to a meeting or calls his sponser, then he steps back and says, ya know I wasn't really angry with you, just angry at myself and the circumstances. I used to engage him during those times as well and actually would try and talk "sense" or "reality" into the situation. It never helped, in his eyes I was defending myself, and maybe I was.
The house will get cleaned, but you have to ask yourself How Important Is it that these dishes get washed immediately, sounds like you had the right idea, the meeting was more important. Maybe the meeting struck more than a cord in him last night, and that is a good thing. The more uncomfortable my AH becomes with looking at his past behavior the more I feel he can focus on doing the next right thing. Hope you have a good appointment and a good day.
Hang in there and keep working it. Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is hard to not react when those mood changes come at you out of nowhere. There is the ingrained reaction we have to want to smooth things over and make sure that he's "happy", whatever that means. The problem I've found is that no matter what I do, there's always something more expected from me, and if I don't do THAT, then I'm lazy, pathetic, not helping him, etc.
I know that we are supposed to detach with love, but honestly, sometimes I get so furious with being berated like that. I hang up or walk away or whatever, but there is this voice inside me saying "How DARE you...all of the time I supported you...yada,yada,yada..." Of course, I'm a very sarcastic person (thanks, mom, for THAT gene), so it's doubly hard to keep my mouth shut and remove myself from the situation. I start to get really ticked off at all of these people who make messes in their lives and expect (no, demand) that somebody else clean them up. Then I have to stop and take a breath and remind myself that even if I want to clean up someone else's mess (which I really don't), I can't. It's not within my power to do that, so why try? I'm working on turning it over to my HP, as well as asking him to remove the anger. It's tough to do, but for my own sanity I have to keep on trying!
Take care and hugs to you, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
My ex-A is staying with me and still drinking but goes through these rages anyway. I have to hold myself back from not feeding into it and it can be very difficult, he can make more mess than anyone I know, you are doing your best and believe me the dishes will be there anyway, the meetings are more important
You are very strong for not saying anything. I would have been sharp tongued and said "so start cleaning!" That's one thing that I can not stand about a man is when they act like that. There is ALWAYS going to be housework, it's never done. It gets so repeditive that even we don't want to do it. I let mine go a few days without touching it. If my Ah and complains about the house he knows I will hand him a mop and a broom and tell him to go at it. haha He knows better at this point. Not the case with most men though, sadly. ;) You did great. Don't let that get to you. I think he's just mad because HIS life is not cleaned up and under control so he's lashing out at the one thing he "thinks" he has control of and thats of you cleaning the house. Good luck hun.
Early sobriety is seriously "raw" emotionally for the A, they get overwhelmed easily by feelings the rest of us feel irritation at. Knowing this, I still got so tired of the tantrums, as I called them. My A also had tantrums whether or not he was sober or stoned or whatever.
What saved me was having enough going on in my own life I could leave the room and forget about him. It took practise, and over a short time I could land in my private space and shake my head a few times and let go. When I was excessively focussed on him was when I struggled not to blow up right back. The "how DARE he!" mantra was frequently in my head!
It took "practise" on my part to just walk away. The first few times I walked away and had hard emotions to deal with myself. As I kept on doing it, I could shake it off easier. I tried to keep my thoughts on the present, not draw in a bunch of stuff from the past, or think about what "might" happen in the future. It was not easy, but the results were so much better than blowing up at him, or crying and hating him.
Anyway this behavior is common, unfortunately, and how you feel about it is well understood. I hope your first therapy session sets some strong frameworks for you to continue your journey!
detachment is such an art. I still get burned to the ground by the A. I detach far better. practice really helps. I focus on me and what do I need to do. This morning I called the A and gave him back reponsibility for his life. I told him I am not responsible that you crash the car every other second. I am not responsible for your health. I am not responsible for your financial well being. I am not responsible for the fact you are not taking care of yourself.
I have found it crucial to sound off to others. I called his Uncle last night. That helped. Get it out there not to him but to others. Let it be. Express your anger then regroup.
I used to have knock down drag outs with the A for days. Now I pull right away. It helps of course that I am not living with him. I do see him and I pull back then too. I can still be suckered in to stuff I don't need. I regroup, detach and set limits.
Don't be down on yourself. The whole move/break off stuff is big picture. If you focus on the details the move/break off will or will not happen on its own. you do not need to obsess over it.
30 days sober is pretty scarry , alcoholics don't do reality well as your discovering , I call it Stark Raving Sober mode and it lasts awhile . Don't bite he is looking for an argument so he can drink , ( I don't think they realize this ) but every cell in thier body is screaming for booze . My husb was nuts when he first sobered up so I can sure relate . this prog works drinking or not , keep the focus on yourself and your needs and you will be just fine . don't allow him to take his anger out on you speak up as it is unexceptable behavior . Remember that n othing u do or say will cause him to drink , your simply not that powerful . Our detachment pamphlet reminds us to not allow ourselves to be used or abused in the name of anyone's recovery. Best advice I ever got regarding sobriety was to always treat him as IF ! he were still drinking work your program you will be just fine .
A reminder not to walk on eggshells because they are having a hissy fit or newly sober. That behavior is unacceptable no matter what. We must remember too not to take on the manipulation or the their attitude, it's all theirs to deal with. I'd bet $100.00 it really had nothing to do with toys on the floor. It had to do with the same kind of pissed offness that people feel when they quit smoking. Anyone and anything is a target. It's still no excuse to wreak havoc. There's nothing wrong with saying "I'm not listening to this, it unacceptable to act this way over toys and dogs".
(And I'm not cleaning them up either!!!...lol)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Abbyal is right. Don't take the bait. He is trying to make you the bad guy to justify his nasty behavior. You do not have to explain yourself. You do not have to allow him to abuse you in the name of his program, either. When my A acted nasty I told him that if he could not be civil, then he could stay somewhere else for awhile to work through his problem. He has had to leave a couple of times for a few days. This also helped me get some much needed rest as I have 2 small children, and it helped me work through the urge to constantly know his every move. You have the right to put limits on his behavior as it pertains to you. These tantrums are verbal, emotional, and mental abuse, and should not be tolerated, sober or not.
Thankfully my A has 9 mo. sober and is finally starting to learn how to cope with the overload of emotion he now feels. They just have to start getting some appropriate coping skills in place, but they don't seem to do this if the people in their lives allow inappropriate behaviors.
Stark Raving Sober is right on the mark. They aim their hateful feelings of themselves at us, if we let them. And if we let them, we feel even more resentful and angry, and round and round we go.
My A and I read every day together now, but it took several mos. to get to this point for us.
Keep working on you. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're doing great. And if he's sober he's doing ok, too. It's just a long hard process.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have learned after living with my A for 37 years that all the ranting and raving that he does I will not be a part of it. For so many years I tryed to please him but there was never anything right either in the house, work, garage, friends, family, wash, cleaning that was done or not done. I could go on and on as I am sure you all could, but I have come to the conclusion that if you want to yell, holler, be upset that I don't want to get involved. When something happens I ask my A "Do you want to argue" and than I say "I don't" and I walk away. It makes some kind of peace for me. You need to turn things around, sing, thank God for him, play with the kids, go for a ride in the car, go visit friends. I have also come to the relization that they can't help it. I know it is tough but hang in there, tomorrow will get better.
