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I just burst into tears over missing my mom. The thing is, what I'm missing isn't the relationship I really have with my mom. I guess I am grieving over my childhood, over the love that my mom never showed me. My mom's attitude toward me and her on again off again very ugly relationship with my alcoholic father were the biggest influences in my life. My mom rarely gave me positive reinforcement but she was never short on criticism and when it came to the abuse that my father dished out to her I was a captive audience. What I don't understand is why after all these years in the program that this stuff can still stop me in my tracks. My dad died several years ago. I forgave him a long time ago. My mom is still alive and does everything in her power to avoid me. Most of the time, I've accepted that and moved on. On days like today, it hurts. I remember that I've always needed a mom...Still do. One that is not judgemental and who loves me unconditionally.. I know I can get these things from HP..and I know that this is a whine that I have put y'all through time and time again. I just needed to share my thoughts with people that get me...
My relationship with my mom...or rather the lack therof....has been on my mind alot lately.Maybe because she is 92 and I just never know when she will no longer be around.I want to be sure I have tried everything in 'my' power to heal the wounds and forgive and let go.
I cut contact with my family about six or so months ago.It does not seem to matter to me if I ever see my sisters or brother again...all alcoholics lost in their own worlds.But my mom is a different issue.I feel a certain obligation to her.I am a Christian,I try to serve God (not organized religion) in my life the best I can.Since I stopped calling her I have felt a nagging guilt.That what I was doing was wrong even though it was taking care of me and saving my sanity.The guilt,however,never outweighed the dread of calling her or going to see her.Until one day about 2 weeks ago.So I called her.She seemed happy to hear from me.She had fallen and had just come back from the doctor.I told her I was sorry I hadn't been coming around but I knew my sisters could take care of her,after all,I said, I had done it by myself for years.I told her I could come and visit on Tuesday and she said that would be good,she would be glad to see me.When I said goodbye,she said "I love you".I said "I love you too,mom".When I said that I knew in my heart that it was true.I felt it.I do love her. On the Sunday before the Tuesday I was supposed to go see her,she called and left me a message not to come.She said "Like you said,you did your due so let the others do it now". As has always been the case I had said something totally innocent and she distorted it into something wrong.I don't know if she thought about what I said and then twisted it in her mind,or if one of my sisters twisted it for her.Either way,as always,she is more than willing to believe the worst about me.I can never say or do the right thing it seems.When I was taking care of her,driving the hour to see her and take her to doctors or getting groceries,she complained I seemed in a hurry to leave and I didn't hug her like I meant it.She said I visited my friend ( who lost her leg in a motorcycle accident) more than her.I was killing myself with the stress of running for her on my days off and she was finding fault with me anyway.Seems it's never enough.I have cried oceans in pain from the way she has hurt me over the years.Lied about me,rejected me. So I didn't call her back.I am not going to.I see now that I can never have a good relationship with her unless I am a robot who behaves and talks only as she wants me to.I'd have to lose the self I have found through Alanon.I can't do that. I am 55 years old next month.All my life I have tried to prove to her that I am good,that I am loveable,that I am trustworthy,honest,decent.I have not succeeded.I give up now.I will pray for her.I have given her to God.I feel I have done all I can. I get envious when I hear of women who have good relationships with their dads.It hurts because my dad,an alcohiolic,never seemed to care about any of the children he fathered.I had no relationship with him.My husband,(also an A) and he got along well so I did see my dad more than the other siblings before he died,however we never became close.I don't think I ever told him I loved him.I'm not sure I did love him. While I would liked to have had a good relationship with my dad,I didn't want that as much as I wanted my mother's love and acceptance.I'll have to let the psycologists analyze that.I don't know why.Maybe because I love her and didn't love him.I guess when you love someone it's normal to want that love returned. Even though I still have days that I start to think I can change to win her love,( maybe if I do this,maybe if I say that,maybe I can put my own life on hold again and just take care of her until she dies and then I'll finally feel I did the right thing and I can feel good about myself),they are fewer and farther between.I no longer have the need to prove myself to her or anyone,most especially to myself.I want love that is given to me freely,because of who I am.Not love that is only given by manipulation and being someone I am not.That is not real love anyway. Parents have their own demons.My mom was adopted out as a child and then ended up living with alcoholics all her life.She had a tough,hard,life.She was hurt and abused.I have often thought that she doesn't like me because I am also not an alcoholic,like her,thus being more like her than the other siblings.If she doesn't like herself,and I am convinced she doesn't,how could she like me,a reflection of herself? The main thing I have come to realize is that whether she likes me,loves me,accepts me, or not,it does not change who I am.And I am beginning to really like and respect who I am. If by some magic I finally won her love and acceptance,how would that change me? Would I suddenly feel ok? Would I be able to love myself more?Is her love the only one that matters to me? No. It would not change me.At one time I thought it would make me feel special and validated.But no more. I leave her to HP to take care of.She must find her own way. I don't know if this helps you or not,I know your pain and it is an awful pain.Wanting something you can't have.Not understanding why you can't have it.I never understood why my mom seemed to love my alcoholic sisters and brothers more than me.Maybe it's codependency, not love.Maybe that's all she knows how to do.But I can't let her take me down with her.I am different,I do not want the life she had catering to alcoholics.With my remaining years,I want peace,serenity,love,happiness.She made her choices,I'll make mine. Whatever you do,do not think it is about you.It is HER stuff,not yours.Whatever her reasons,they are hers.Your mom,my mom,they are people too.They can reach out to us and try to mend things.But they don't. You are a special person whether she recognizes that or not.You are unique and you are loved.Your value and worth are not in her hands.You already have value and worth,no one has to give it to you. Take care of yourself.Mother yourself.Be the mom to yourself that you would like to have.Spoil yourself,make yourself feel special.You are worth it.
SS, I've often thought that we are born with expectations, I don't mean the kind that get us in trouble, but the kind all human beings have. To be mothered, guided, nurtured, protected, all that.
You didn't get mothered, and it's a deep, old need. The trouble is that you can't go back and get mothered or parented. It seems absolutely appropriate to grieve it, as if it were a death.
I was fortunate to have a good "Mommy" type mother. She became increasingly remote as my Dad's alcoholism progressed and took up her mental energy, but she was always there. I've had similar feelings about not being "fathered", and certainly have had the results of not having a mature male to help me grow up and take on the world. It hits me as grief and sadness when I hear someone talk about how much they love their dad, or what their dad has done or is doing for them.
I'll never know what it's like to have a Daddy. Neither will my kids. It's just a fact, and it will never be fixed. It's just one of those things.
I also think we can learn to parent ourselves well from the examples set by healthy male or female friends/acquaintances, just takes a little imagination . . . the need will always be there. Take care :)
Grieving takes its own time and for each and every one of us it may be different. You hit the nail right square on the head when you stated you were grieving over your childhood. The thing with grieving is, hon, there is no away around it you gotta go thru. Remember that "tears are a carwash for the soul." With every tear you shed there comes a little more healing. Keep up the great work seeking!
Love in recovery - Jeri
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
