The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Guess Im done being the doormat. I'm nervous today. I told my AH last night and again this morning that if he couldn't get home at a reasonable hour, don't come home. We are self employed and I do the scheduling. I have been careful this year to work the schedule so that he can be home at a reasonable time. An improvement on my part. However, he is in the frame of mind right now to avoid coming home. Of course this has been an ongoing problem anytime things get stressful at home. I understand his stress. We live in a travel trailer with two kids, can't keep a vehicle running, etc,etc. But every day for the last two weeks or more, he has found some excuse to be a couple hours late getting home. It is the same old behavior. High or sober makes no difference if the habits don't change. I gave him time to get it together. I accepted the appologies night after night, but I can only be pushed so far, now. I realized that he is not really trying to solve this problem as long as I keep letting it go, but he is turning the household upside down again nonetheless. I told him more than a year ago that I would not tolerate this kind of behavior. Now is time to back it up. Its harder this time though. The urge is there to keep giving chance after chance because he is sober, but he has never had firm consequences in his life from people he cared about. We have always taken up the slack when he gets lazy. It is a long ingrained habit to avoid problems, but his avoidance makes it much harder on me. Our housing situation is primitive at best and I really need his help to make it work. I decided before he got sober that if I had to live like this, I would not do it with an able-bodied man in the house who would not help. He has ample time to read, study, meditate, pray, call a friend, to help him solve this problem. He has done none of that. He chooses to stay mired in denial. I am sticking to my guns. I will know by 7:00 if he will be home or not tonight. Thanks for listening,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It is very hard to make up your mind and do what you say you will do. I will be thinking of you and watching the board for your posts. I know exactly how you feel My A does the same thing. Empty promises with no action. Kinda hard to be compassionate when the person you love refuses help. *hugs*
Hugs and support to you as you enforce your boundaries.
When I enforced mine, though it was rocky and I was tested time and again, ultimately it proved very worthwhile in my case.
I am alone now but very content and satisfied. I do what I want, when I want and how I want. I am responsible for all my stuff as well as making my own happiness.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You have to do what you feel is right for you and your kids. When enough becomes enough, you will know it and act on it. TRUST ME! My AH's grandmother told me that many many years ago. Over the last couple of years, I have screamed, cried, begged, threatened my AH to get him to act right. I kicked him out once and let him back home after a couple of months. Things were great for a while but now he is right back to his drugs and I have kicked him out again. This time, I am standing firm. ENOUGH HAS FINALLY BECOME ENOUGH! I know it in my heart that this is the right thing to do and there is no question about it. It is definately what I want - no doubts.
So set up your boundries, lay down the groundrules and act on your threats. No open threats. If you say it, mean it. If you don't mean to follow through, don't say it. It is like "The Kid Who Cried Wolf". If you threaten too many times w/out follow through, he will learn to not believe you and nothing will ever change for the positive. That is just my experience anyway. Good Luck and take care of you.
Thank you all for your encouraging words and good thoughts.
I am learning to be more comfortable enforcing my boundaries. My A now knows that I mean business.
He did make it home on time last night. Of course this isn't the end of it. Today is our day off, but Tues he will be working again, and we will have to do it again. He may come home on time for a few days, then start in again being late. I will try to be prepared for the possibility without projecting it as a certain, future disaster.
I am realizing that part of what made me uncomfortable was the idea that he counts on me to enforce these boundaries as a part of his recovery. I used to feel a bit used by that.
Now I am realizing that we all need that from the people that we care about. Even the best intentions can become overbearing if the person you are dealing with doesn't know how to be honest about boundaries. Boundaries are like the lanes on the highway, they allow us to move smoothly amongst each other and keep us from running over each other.
I realize, too, that my A is not trying to be hurtful. He is struggling with a personal issue that is making it difficult to stay in his own lane. Keeping this in mind, I can enforce my boundaries without anger and resentment. I managed to get through all day yesterday with positive hopeful thoughts. woo hoo! Progress!
Thank my HP for this program!
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
