The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I am 47 and I have just had enough of my parents bull****.... I live with the scare of their alcoholism everyday .. I cannot look at them anymore because they still will not take responsibility for what they have done ... i guess I am here to get some of this out of me and hopefully a miricle will happen just by expressing this to others... the miricle? they will finally own up to what they did to me and make some attempt to correct their mistake. please do not respond unless you can give some light on this...that is no opinions please. Thanks..
The miracle is in the steps, but the steps take hard work. This is not my opinion, but a solid fact. We all live with the scare of their A. Thats why we are here. We will be here to help and support you. Please keep coming back.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I pray a miracle can happen for you and that the relationship with your parents can be healed.
You are hoping for a miracle that your parents will own up to their mistakes and try to correct them. This may or may not ever happen. What can happen is that you can let the miracle begin from your side of the street.
By working this program you can begin to heal from inside yourself regardless if any of the people in your life that have caused you pain ever come around to trying to correct any of the mistakes they have made.
Living with alcoholism is too much for most of us, our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it.
We too were lonely and frustrated but in alanon we found that no situation is hopeless and we can find contentment and happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
How do you forgive??? For me, forgiveness came with understanding. Understanding that the alcoholics in my life suffer from a disease. Doesn't give them a free ride, but it does give ME understanding and enables me to forgive. Forgetting is not necessary. Understanding, for me, was/is.
Please keep coming back, Cursed. If you don't already attend, perhaps you might try finding a meeting you could attend in person.
The support I've gotten on this board and through Al-Anon meetings has been priceless to me. We have ALL been where you are now, and by following the Al-Anon steps, which Jen included in her post, have come to gain strength and empowerment within ourselves.
All of us in Al-Anon have had our lives affected by alcoholism, but instead of focusing on what the alcoholic needs to do to change, we focus on what WE need to do to make our lives better and more sane. We learned that no matter what we did or didn't do, say or didn't say, the alcoholic was going to drink if he wanted to, and of course with the alcoholism come the irresponsible, irrational, and sometimes abusive behavior. When you truly come to believe that alcoholism IS a disease, it relieves you of so much of the guilt and responsibility that you may have felt for not being able to do more, to help them, to make them stop.
Please do come back - David said it so well - understanding gives you the freedom to no longer feel like a victim, but to begin to take charge of your own behaviors and responses. That is a great feeling! Take care, and come back to the board. Marion
-- Edited by mhgal at 20:42, 2007-07-28
-- Edited by mhgal at 15:49, 2007-07-29
__________________
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
One of the most reassuring things I heard was from a wise "seasoned" member of Alanon: put a bandaid around an alcoholic's head and label them sick. When one thinks of it, why would anyone choose to drink to oblivion and intentionally hurt those they love? This is a sickness and recovery means disallowing sick people to make me sick. It is about looking at me and finding healthy ways to protect and empower myself from the dysfunctional behaviors and thinking of those afflicted with a "thinking" disease.
I too ponder why my parents (both deceased) behaved the way they did. It didn't make life easy for me or my 7 siblings. The drinking was secretive, Dad buying the whiskey and our mother drinking until she was legless but making sure the kids were "asleep" when she began the binge. However, I was not asleep and remember her verbal abuse to my Dad once the alcohol reached its inebriating effect.. Her brutal and ruthless verbal attacks on my psyche and often an inappropriate slap or punch b/c she couldn't control her anger or lacked the coping skills to deal with a particular situation (often the stress of 8 kids).
Please keep your expectations realistic with your folks. Denial on their part is optimal and they may never realize the damage they have done. If currently active, they are not progressing anywhere towards a healing relationship with you. Decades of denial continue until people work on themselves without marinating their cerebrum in alcohol.
Please find a seasoned member in program to sponsor you, Alcoholism is so often mental illness untreated and undiagnosed. Remember, AA states that alcoholism is a physical, mental and spiritual disease. Once the spiritual is addressed, the mind and body follow. Try working this issue of abandonment through the 12 Steps with a trusted alanon member. In the interim, it's ok to give yourself permission to name it, claim it and address it as a disease that has affected you but choose not to allow it to debilitate you further.
We owe it to ourselves to self-care, self-protect and educate ourselves. We can choose to go from "victim" to "victor" with ourselves as our priority.
We can't change them, their disease or their choices. We can take responsbility for ourselves. That is our responsiblity to us and our children.
Let's make the next generation happier and healthier-Let it begin with me!!
I thank you all for your replys.....maybe this is the wrong site for me ...you see I dont think I should have to work any steps...I'm not the Alcoholic....I cannot work on my self when my parent have stunted me by their action ..they are supposed to be responsible and swallow the big pill they made me swallow....what is good for me is have them do right by me ..after all i am Gods gift to them and they tried to destroy me not me them....this is just not right that I should not expect them to do right...after all they punsihed me when I was bad or wrong why do they get away with this ... By God they will not get away with it ..I am no longer a part of their life they make me literally sick to see them, do you think they care that I disowned them , no they cold care less and they dont even drink any more ....I am like David who suffered while the other children were treated justly....and I cannnot accept this any more ...this past may was the last straw...they just used me because I was so good to them and was as good as a child could be and every chance they got the sh** on me in the worse way...so I need to find a place where I dont get treated like i am an Alcoholic and work steps... i am totally detached form them they can keep their enheritence money and take it to hell with them.. no need to reply ..I make my own steps
We do make our own steps...that is why we end up where we end up. The steps we work here are similar to but not the same as the steps of AA. They were adapted to fit this program by the founders of this program over 56 years ago. Thousands upon thousands have and are taking this journey to heal ourselves and are successful with lives that contain little to no resentments for hurts that they suffered in their pasts.
I said very similar words to what you posted here with very similar thoughts. Why me? Why should I when they/she...? I know what to do and...!! One thing I found out was that I was where I was because I participated in the problem and then I stayed and learned how I did that. Yes for some time I remained the "hapless victim" until I got sick of being a victim and telling everyone who would listen how I permitted those others (parents, siblings, relatives, wives, cops, church organizations, etc.) to ruin my life.
I stayed to find out what my part in the whole thing was and to learn how I could change the negative outcomes into positive and acceptable ones. One thing I learned was that I gave tacit approval to others to hurt and scare me and I learned how I did it.
One thing that helped me to forgive (there are several) was to look at how I also hurt and scared others and to understand that they felt the same way that I did when it was done to me. Another thing that helped me was getting away from the depression that seemed always to anchor my spirit under water drowning any chance I thought I had for happiness. I learned that depression was anger turned inward soooo I wasn't angry, resentful, remorseful, rageful and the like at others alone; I was also deeply angry at myself for allowing and participating in the hurt and pain. I learned that forgiveness was really what I wanted to give rather than the resentment. Forgiveness gets me weller and resentments get me sicker (so very way sicker).
Forgetting allows me to take all the heavy crap that I carry around in my back in my back pack. It literally takes the weight off and I can stand upright again free of all the unnecessary weight.
If you are still peeking in on us. Stick around and read the recovery posts freely given by all the wonderful supportive members of this Miracles in Progress sight. It could save your mind and spirit not to mention your life.
Keep coming back...and have a (((((hug))))) or two.
well cursed , I c an feel your anger and pain am sorry u don't feel your worth the effort to get the help u find in our program . Your anger is only hurting you and the people you come into contact with , your parents will carry on as usual . You have a right to be angry but this is killin you and u don't know it. This is a disease and your parents have it like it or not . As David said learning about the disease will help u to understand a little better . Most people on this board are looking for solutions to thier problems , so you could be right about this not being the place for you . But I hope u continue to come here and share whats on your mind .
But, it IS a choice. There is a way out of where you are, but changing something you cannot change isn't it. You have the choice of giving up on waiting for them to take care of you (they haven't done much of a job so far, have they?) and taking care of yourself. Sounds like your parents have ruined the first half of your life - are you going to let them ruin the second half too?
I feel your pain, your anger, your distrust and disgust at the alcoholics. It's more than we can bear alone, so God sent this program to restore and renew those of us who have been devoured by a disease so powerful that it is often described as a double tractor trailer traveling down I-956 and if we don't get out of its way, it will take us down with it.
It's ok to be peeved-enraged-but please, look at what it is doing to us. Our hearts race, our mind can't rest, we are emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted and spent!! Guess what? Twice as many alanonites are institutionalized for mental fatigue than their alcoholics-we live life without medicating reality so we feel the impact of life's hardness. The lack of support (for me, mostly emotional) gave me a sense of deprivation.
The alcoholics (drinking-active) or dry (sober but without program or desire to improve) lived their lives contentedly without a clue of how I felt. I was left with more rage, as my heart and mind continued racing.
The anger put us into depression and paralyzed, we don't know how to get out. It feels like entrapment-how do I survive?
Listening to other's contempt actually helps-it feels we are not alone. We're not crazy at the level of hurt we've experienced. What is more reassuring than listening to someone who has been there, done that?
I agree with you-they have a problem, big time problem!!
I also know first-hand that their problem affected me. Now, what am I going to do about it? In alanon, it always comes back to me!! I am responsible for me.
Anger is such a powerful emotion. The energy behind anger can be motivating to take care of me, my anger or allow it to fester and ruin my psyche
Please come in this room and share your anger and know it's ok. Please suggest it as a topic at a meeting here at MIP.
Anger is a toxin-it destroys the container it is in. You are precious to our program and will help so many of us in here. It will remind the seasoned members of their hurt and gratitude for where they are now and help newcomers to cope.
What do you choose? To use the anger constructively or destructively?
I honor your pain and rage. Please let us help you to work through this.
Bless you and be gentel with yourself, you are precious and worth it!
Let me say again that we have all been there, and have felt the rage and the pain as strongly as you are feeling it now. I think I finally realized that the rage and the pain were compromising my ability to find serenity and contentment, so eventually, they had to GO.
Please don't think of us as "Stepford" people, who quote "program, program, program". We've taken these Al-Anon steps to make our lives more sane, and that was the bottom line, at least for me.
I do hope that you at least keep reading the board. Maybe you will find something that strikes a chord with you.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
You are in my prayers, Marion
-- Edited by mhgal at 15:48, 2007-07-29
__________________
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Cursed, We have all been where you are now. We understand your pain at being hurt and abandoned by people who were supposed to love and care for you. You say you are totally detached, but you seem to be consumed by this problem. Consumed with rage and hurt, and it will shred every part of your life. That is what this program is for. It is not about the alcoholic. It is about healing us. We cannot have lived through what we have been through without being horribly affected by it. This is a program of healing for us, not them. Please, if you are still looking in, keep coming back. Read the posts. Let what we have to share trickle in a little at a time. Don't let their problem destroy you.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
For me the miracle was letting go of the hope that they would become accountable and that the world would seem sane because truths had been told. That is their business and I have no control over it. My miracle was that I felt peace in letting go of that. My miracle was learning to look at myself and forgive myself and love myself and find inner strength all outside of their world. Seems impossible, but alanon and the 12 steps and this board have brought me to a very different place than I ever thought I'd be. My parents however and my exA have not changed a bit. And aside from prayers of love to them, I have detached and don't really care anymore.
What is shared here is ESH...experience, strength and hope. If opinions happen to come by, take what you like and leave the rest as they say.
So you want a program that forces people to do what you want them to do. Makes them own up to their mistakes Forces them to stop doing what they've always done Admit they have hurt you Takes 47 yrs. of pain and anger away And you don't want to work a program because it's not you that has a problem.
Let us know when you find it would ya?
If they haven't changed in all these years, who is the only one that can change? YOU
YOU can learn about the disease and understand the illness YOU can learn to quit torturing yourself YOU can learn to quit setting yourself up YOU can apply the tools of Alanon and react differently YOU can seek help, or keep being miserable YOU can have peace in your life, or keep what you have. YOU do have choices YOU are not a victim unless you choose to be.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi, don't know if this is helpful but sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. The hard part is letting go of all the resentments that you have toward them for all that they have or haven't done. For me the key was accepting (and it was hard to accept) that people are going to do what they're going to do and there's nothing I can do about it. The resentment is because I expected them to act a certain way - granted normal people can be expected to follow societal rules - but it is my expectations of them that are the disappointment to me. Now I expect nothing from anyone but myself and if someone is behaving in a way that I don't like, I stay away from them. I have a parent I don't speak to at all and a husband as well. I'm praying that if I behave in a healthy way I won't be adding children to that list. I don't make excuses for them anymore, they are what they are and I don't like it and I don't have to be around it! Sure I have resentments about my lot in life but I don't let it run my life or dwell on it any more. I have faith that everything will work out to be ok and it continues to.
i am totally detached form them they can keep their enheritence money and take it to hell with them.. no need to reply ..I make my own steps