The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am wondering if disloyalty within a family is a common symptom of ACOA. I get so angry and upset when a person in the family that you have trusted, lets another member down. Or am I confusing codependency with disloyalty? Something happened that I don't take lightly, and I feel that ..well, here I go again, adding to my list of those I no longer trust.
Loyality was something that was missing in my family. The people who should be loyal to me, have no reason not to be loyal to me, never have been. My mother in particular, has never been loyal to me. If there was a "side" to be taken, she'd take the "side" that was oppisite mine. I have to assume that is part of her growing up in an A home. Consequently, it took me a very long time to be a loyal friend. I was a loyal wife, I would never have cheated. But I didn't know how to be loyal to my girlfriends. That is how I was raised. The A is god and anyone else doesn't really count. I am learning just how important loyality is to me. And how to be a loyal, trustworthy friend. It is a hard concept for me and I am constanly checking myself and my actions. Just my experience....
It seems like disloyalty might result from codependency. Actively codependent, I know my mood affects my decisions, and they have been all over the place. No fun to look at later! Actively codependent, I'm not thinking of the future, what might result from my actions, I'm reacting.
There isn't much trustworthy in someone who is just reacting. Even though codependency might be the reason, take care of yourself first. Yeh, I say that to myself too :) .
I have a hard time with the concept of loyalty, actually. So often, it might interfere with doing, or saying, what I think is right. If I am loyal to you. does that mean that I stick by you, whether I believe you are right or wrong? Does it matter if you are doing wrong to me, or to someone else?
I think I prefer to try to base actions on honesty, fairness, and the golden rule, and let the loyalty chips fall where they may.
I think that sometimes we become so raw from those who consistantly let us down that when someone who has had our trust falters we freak out about it. Just my opinion...it helps to sleep on it and remember who we are dealing with and their track record.
I can echo almost exactly what serendipity said. The only loyalty I have seen in my family is from my mom to her alcoholic children.(which is all of them except for me) I can't say if that is due to her flaming codependency,but I have to think the disease fits in there somewhere. Disloyalty is almost like betrayal.It hurts.Remember it's not about you,it's theirs,don't pick it up.
