The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh I am in a gloom, a real funk. Ever have one of those days where you wish you could just climb in bed with the lights out, bury your head in the pillows and just wish the world away for a while? Kind of where I am at today. I hate this feeling. It makes my stomach hurt, my body tired and I feel like I am having trouble breathing. Is it a panic attack? A break down? I don't know.
My AH came over Wed night to see the kids. Of course my son wasn't there b/c he was at martial arts. I skipped out on class b/c my daughter had a major melt down at the sitter's - she didn't want to go to class b/c it takes too long to test for her tip. It took me 15 minutes to earn my tip on my belt Monday and she worked that long too and didn't get hers. It upset her terribly. So that mixed w/the problems w/her daddy (she can't understand why he doesn't stay w/us), she just broke. I didn't push class on her. SOOO my AH came over to visit and left before my son got home, which upset my son. I don't understand why he wouldn't stay long enough to see our son.
Anyway, he insisted that he would come over on Thurs to cut my grass. I told him I could handle it but he said his kids lived there and he could take care of the yard. I told him fine but if he doesn't make it, no big deal. Well guess what? He didn't make it. I knew it too. No big deal, I can take care of my own yard. A little out of practice but completely capable.
Then this morning while I was at work, I checked my voice mail at home. There were 2 messages on there. Once from a credit card company for my AH for him to call and the other from a debt collector. Now the latter one is the one that upset me. She said the message was for him AND me. And that we needed to call her back right away to voluntarily solve this problem, that she sees we own property and they could take it from us to pay the debt. I lost it. I called this woman up and she was so incredibly RUDE!!! I told her that he didn't live there any more and we had been separated since Jan 16. She got all pissy and said "Why didn't you call me and tell me that before now?" I said that I have talked to so many people, that I don't know who I have and who I haven't talked to any more. She said that she sees that we have a joint loan through a mortgage company for property and that if the $7000 debt is not paid, they will attach a lien to my property and take it to settle the debt. I told her that we do NOT have a joint loan any more, that we sold that property in Jan and I own my own home that he does not live in and his name is not on the loan. She kept going on and on about this joint loan but when I asked her the property address was she wouldn't give it to me. She asked if I had his parents' phone # or his grandparents' phone #. I told her NO! I don't have any forwarding info for him at all, I don't know where he is or how to get in touch w/him. She told me to give his parents' and grandparents' the message for him to call her. Needless to say when I hung up the phone, I was all upset. I know they cannot take my house. But the whole experience with this lady was horrible.
So I called my MIL to see if my AH was there and she said he was asleep. I told her I needed to talk to him and asked if she'd wake him up. I planned on telling him what happened and telling him he HAS to call these people. He cannot continue to ignore them b/c they are starting to get nasty w/ME! She said that she didn't think she could wake him b/c he had been out using all day yesterday, came in at 1:00 AM and woke her up so he could talk to her. They talked until 5:00 AM and he had been asleep ever since. She said he told her some really horrible stuff about what goes on while he is using and that she didn't want to hear about any of it but she had to sit there and listen. Of course she wouldn't tell me a single thing he said, WHICH MAKES ME MAD!!!! They are all so secretive in his family. No one tells me crap and it irritates me. I am thinking that I should know what is going on the most. I am the one at the greatest risk of having caught some horrible disease from him. I am the one who has lost the most (besides him) due to his addictions. But no! They keep it all tied up in a box w/a little bowe.
She said she was going to try to get him to go to this recovery place at this church that is supposed to be wonderful. That he had agreed to it while they were talking earlier. Of course I find out later that he wouldn't go. It figures. They said that if he didn't willingly go on his own accord,then he wasn't ready yet. Seriously though, what is it going to take to make this man be willing to seek help? I don't get it. One second he is ready, the next he is not.
Today I have thought more times that I like to admit that I wish he would just go out there and hit the cocaine hard, really freakin' hard and just do himself in. Get it over with. End it. I can't help but think it would be easier to deal with his death than this constant worry. I just want it to be over. All of it. Him calling, coming by, the creditors calling throwing threats at me, the whole drama of dealing w/an addict. It just seems like things are getting worse and worse. It is kind of like a yo-yo diet. You know how that goes. You go on a diet, lose weight for a while, plateau, give up on the diet and gain all that weight back plus some extra. It is like things get bad, then they get better for a while, then they go bad again only it is worse than the last time. Then they get better again but not quite as good as before, the BAM, they turn bad and much much worse. Just when I think there is no way for things to get any worse, they do. How far can it go? How bad can it get? How much more can he take? How much more can any of us take?
I feel terrible, horrible, evil even for wishing he would die already. I still love him - or at least I think I do. I would love to see him pull his life back together but I just don't see it happening. And even if he does pull it together, there will always be that drama there - the divorced parents, the agreements and broken promises, his hopefullness of reconcilation, me being dead set against it, just the whole drama of it all. Wow if he or his family knew I felt that way, how embarrassed would I be? I wouldn't ever be able to show my face to them again. They are trying to save his life and I am wishing him dead. That is just how bad things have gotten. Maybe that is the reason for my panic attack today. My realization that I am this horrible person. How can I wish this on anyone? Least of all my own husband of 14 1/2 years, the father of my children? I just want the problems to disappear and they never will, will they?
Feeling terrible, horrible, a complete jerk, totally evil. Thanks for listening. Thought verbalizing all this would help. It hasn't. Maybe I will pull out the ol' treadmill tonight, put on my MP3 player and exercise until I am utterly exhausted. Punishment maybe for having such horrible thoughts, being so ugly and hateful. Sorry about this truly dreadful post. But thanks for letting me vent.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Please know you're not terrible, horrible or evil. You're human. I have to admit, there were times I used to lay in bed and hope that my AH wouldn't make it home alive - I figured the kids would be better off with the life insurance $$ than the way things were then. (Of course, the insurance has since been cancelled due to non-payment, so that's no longer an option.) So please take it easy on yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Please be kind to yourself. You are NOT ugly or hateful - you're tired, and who wouldn't be?
As a bit of practical advice, perhaps you can call your mortgage company, since the house and mortgage are in your name, and let them know about the threatening call. It will at least provide you some peace of mind about that issue. It's a step, anyway.
Right now, it seems that his family has taken over the role of enablers, so if that's what they want to do, let them. I do understand your concern about the health issues, and maybe there is one person in his family who would understand that you need to know that information and fill you in about it? Maybe not, but at least it might put the idea in someone's mind that it's not just about him and how he's been affected.
Perhaps if his family tries and fails to change him (because we ALL fail when trying to change another person), such as offering him a program and him turning it down, they might begin to understand what you've been going through. Not that you want them to think of you as a martyr, but a little consideration for your feelings might be nice!
I think we've all felt this way at one time or another, so please don't apologize for your "dreadful" post. I've only been in Al-Anon for a few weeks, but your posts are among those I look forward to reading. They're very insightful, and they often help me to focus on the Al-Anon steps and principles to help me feel better about myself and my situation.
Thanks, and many hugs, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Join the club........I'm having one of them moods too, Mine's are a feeling of emptiness. As of which I have not got anything positive to say to you..lol
qod, of course all you said is real. However it is not toward the man you love,it is towards the disease.
Of course you feel as you do. Who wouldn't???? The disease has torn and is tearing your life apart.
Ok if you can, find the number of these harrassing people and block them.
My solution was I only use my phone line for dsl. I have a cell phone and never give that number out. If it does get to someone I don't want it to, I just don't answer.
I don't know what the second debt is, you did not say,but Q,if it is a debt from you both, they can get a judgement and put a lien on your house. But they cannot recover their money, unless you sell or try to refi.
If so, you get left with yet another debt of his. I am saying if the debt was like a joint cr. card or something.
Also are you "legally"separated? You have to file and do almost the same paperwork as a divorce.
He probably left before your son got home, out of selfishness. Whatever was on his agenda was more important. The disease that is.
Interesting how mommys baby was sleeping yet mommy was up. so sad. She sure has not been a healthy person for him.And now she is being his therapist instead of him getting his butt to a meeting or rehab...
It can get so much worse.So much can and will happen. You don't get it? He has a disease, he cannot think like you or I do.
He wants to be clean, the disease wants him to use.
The thing is, what are you doing for you? You have your own home, you are taking control of your own life. Lotsa steps forward. Yet it is your yard, not his. So what makes you allow him to still have control over you? Or more what makes you allow the disease to do this?
What does it matter what he does? What good does it do to contact him? Can you control any of it anyway?
The disease will continue to make us sick unless we get some very strong alanon skills going.
Anyway q, again, of course you feel that way. If I could kill the disease you bet I would do it. I wish it dead as you do, but we still want our A's to be ok.
We love the A, we hate the disease behavior.
Sounds like you need time for Ali. It is up to you if you want to leave the A or not. In my experience,when a person leaves the A,they do not check up on them, they do not allow them to do anything for them, becuz you always pay dearly. They do not call them, have them for dinner etc.
I know, I have done the mixed messages too.
anyway pretty lady, I hope you are feeling better now.
Yesterday when I finally decided to sit my butt down, my kids were playing in the livingroom. It was really nice since my 11yr old daughter is trying so hard to grow up too fast --they had the wooden train set out. Now with a 9 yr old boy there is going to be all sorts of things going on, lol. Major destruction and train wrecks. He calls for the Medic. "Medic, Medic over here!" all kinds of sound effects. Here comes my daugter to the rescue, "two medics on the way". Only half way there she stops and says in a deep voice "Okay, medics are leaving now! TOOO much drama --- WAY too much DRAMA!" I about laughed myself off the couch.
You should think of yourself as my daughters Medics, your AH drama is his, let him keep it. You knew you were covered from his collection call so you didn't need to let that woman razzle you. Remember to say what you mean, mean what you say but not say it mean. then hang up.
I have to ask why you wanted to tell him about this collection call. Do you really think he cares at this moment? That he'll jump to and take care of it? Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if what we are doing is causing US more pain. So of everything that went on is there a different way that it could have been done that wouldn't have sucked you into his chaos and drama? Think about it so that next time you can be like my daughters medics, who just decided not to participate in the chaos
Thank you to everyone for your wonderful posts. I am feeling much better today. And y'all have comforted me in such wonderful ways. Thank you so very much for being here and listening and offering such AWESOME support.
Lunamoth, I think you and your kids should be the inspiration for a new type of "law" enforcement - The Drama Police...or it could make a great reality show. The Drama Police going from house to house, dragging away the Drama Queens (or Kings)! I love it!!! Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
.....I'm having one of them moods too, Mine's are a feeling of emptiness. As of which I have not got anything positive to say to you..lol
Keep on keeping on
