The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been waking up in the morning afraid. By the time I have my coffee and get going for the day, I feel a little more together. Somedays are pretty good, there's much that needs doing around here and I put a dent in it. Other days I finish morning chores and take a long nap.
I read Debilyn's post this morning and it hit me that this "feeling" that I have strongly in the morning is emptiness, which is a scary feeling.
Without a misbehaving addict/alcoholic messing up my life, making me feel "at home" with all their chaos and drama . . . there ain't much there . . . inside of ME.
I've been to therapy three separate times in my life. The "emptiness" was always addressed, but I never stuck around long enough to really deal with it. Whatever 'dealing with it' means.
At the same time I feel my faith in a higher power blossoming, to the point I feel an instant relief in turning over this or that dilemma to HP. I no longer feel silly or "is Anybody out there???" .
My entire adult life I've struggled with being self sufficient. At the same time, I have deeply seated fears of "the World" out there, and have done much avoiding of dealing with financial things, to the point that though I've always had good income when I work, I have mediocre credit, I pay my bills late or after warnings. It's like I deal with "the World" reluctantly, I'd rather not do all of these things like pay bills, make financial plans, and build myself a safety net.
When I met my A seven years ago, I was really struggling. On all fronts, financial, emotional, etc. A dear friend had died peacefully in my home from breast cancer, I cared for her during the last two years of her life. My kids were teenagers and seriously acting out. I was alone, I was tired of being alone, tired of doing it all on my own, and damn it I wanted someone to save me.
The A seemed quite willing to save me. All I needed to do was admire him and let him rule the roost (I was only too glad to do this). It was WAY too much for him. Neither of us were any good at facing Reality and being practical.
So in the end, my A didn't take very good care of me at all. And at 42 years old now, I am confronted with the exact same situation now that he's gone.
Just like the A getting sober does not mean an instant, permanent joy in life, getting rid of the A doesn't either. It just brings me back face to face with ME.
I tell myself I'm not the type to go jump into someone else's arms as soon as I find some really strong arms . But that is what I've done my entire life. I didn't necessarily marry them, or live with them, but in my mind, they were there to take care of me so I didn't have to.
This time, HP has seen fit to guide my life into the rural foothills of the Rocky Mountains, surrounded by National Forest and serious podunk, where again I am set free from an abominable situation of my own making and now must stand on my own two feet. Goodness sakes is HP patient with me. I guess HP figures if there is literally NO ONE for me to glom onto, I'll finally get it .
This revelation I'm having brings home more than anything the wisdom in Alanon's core principles -- taking care of ME. I know all too well my limitations and tendencies. HP has taken care of most of the distractions (i.e., other people ). I too, just like Deb, got what I asked for and it hurts. But so do most things that make us grow up finally.
I've been waiting for a long time to be able to put this into words. I hope it makes some sense somewhere, and I really appreciate this forum for giving me a "place to put it" out there. Thanks for reading.
For me I called it feeling half, not whole. I felt like something inside of me was missing...and it wasn't really the A. It was an emptiness. I hated it. It is the strangest feeling...there is something missing but what? Like you said, we can fill it with another relationship..or work..or our kids or whatever we choose to fill it with.
I wish I could say -- here is what you do and this is how it will work out. Only I can't . What I can say is that today I feel "whole" -- and all I did was avoid trying to fill my emptiness with someone/something else and try to learn more about myself. It's not an easy job. I shed way to many tears. But somehow I found myself and a feeling of being satisfied (or whole). I truly think it is becoming centered -- finding and trusting your HP -- and not letting fear drive you to find something outside to make your inside feel better.
Don't get me wrong, I have days that I can feel lonely, sad and down right bummed out ...but on the most part I am okay, because I am okay with me and I'm not looking for something else to fill me up. I believe there'll be a day when I'll have another man in my life, and when it does happen they'll compliment me...not complete me
I know what you're feeling. I feel it, too, but less than I used to. I don't know if it's what people mean by "dark night of the soul", but you start to wonder what exactly you're supposed to be doing here, and what you'll leave when you're gone.
It's almost like a purposeless-ness (if that's not a word, it should be!) When I lay my head on the pillow at night, it's like I have to have accomplished something for the day, or I feel useless. "Well, let's see, tomorrow I'll stop the war, then do some laundry. The day after, I'll pay some bills, do some grocery shopping, and end world hunger."
One of my favorite Psalms is 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". Our HP is there, so we are never alone. Lonely - yes. Feeling empty - yes. Not sure what direction our life needs to go - of course. But never really alone. And our HP doesn't demand that we save the world (or straighten out our finances, for that matter) to bless us with serenity and hope.
Having said that, when that feeling comes over you, it is draining. I feel it, too, and I keep telling myself that I'm where I need to be right now - in His time, not mine.
Big hugs, and take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Im at the same place as you now. The A had been my happiness filled the space within me, now we have ended the relationship, its all arse up in the air. The friendship that was once so strong, over 20 odd years, has gone, and will probly never come back. He needs space, I do, bla bla bla. I feel as If I have lost something, a part of me.
All I know Is I am struggling today, I am in pain, crying non stop, feeling utterly worthless, going back to being NOT good enough etc....
Big ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) to you...Here, for you okay.
I remember that feeling. I can close my eyes to this day and feel every bit of it if I go back in my mind.
I also remember the time in my life when I was dependant on others to shield me from the world "out there". When the time came in my life and there was no one and I had to face the world "out there" I truly thought I would permanently lose my mind. (there are some folks who will tell you I have but don't listen to em!!!) I didn't. It was horrible, I was devastated, went from being lonely to angry to sad to empty to this vast sea of nothingness many times over.
It took me a very long time to realize that I need no one to make me happy. My happiness is dependant on me. A long time, an enormous amount of soul searching and hours and hours of work. At this point in my life I am not alone. I do however look after my own needs, I demand respect and I get it because I also give it. I say what I need to say without saying it mean (damn, that was tough to learn). I have three or four bottom lines and if one of them were crossed I would be gone in a flash. Would I be devastated? Yes for a bit but after all these many years (and I am not saying how many) I know that I would be more than okay. I have come to love who I am, the grown up I have finally become and I like my little podunk corner of the world.
I personally am incredibly proud of you. I have read your posts over the last bit and you have taken such good care of yourself given the circumstances. You have made some extremely difficult decisions. Are there going to be crappy days? Damn right there are. Take the good ones, tuck them away inside so when the crappy ones come you can take them out, look at them and remember that yes, even tho today is awful, life can be good. Kiss a baby goat for me will ya
lilms
-- Edited by lilms at 21:15, 2007-07-27
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Boy it sure seems like a lot of us are in the same place lately - I think we should all meet on a beach somewhere. I to have been in tears for the last two weeks knowing my marriage is over and feeling a loss and emptyness. I decided this morning to try and turn things around. I'm going to try to find a new church, start kayaking, meet some new people. I actually turned on MTV and danced around my kitchen trying to cheer my self up - (My 15 year old son would have died if he was home! ) We can't let this disease win!! It's taken away our familes, our marriages and sometimes our self esteem. We have to fight back and gain our lives back. I'm talking to myself when I say this - I am powerless over alcohol but I am powerful in my own life and I refuse to be lonely and alone. Big hugs to all of you, I'm right there with you.
Kim, me too. Except it got better over time, I mean gradually. I had a neat thing happen tonight.
My brothers sister and I are partners in some companies our parents left us. We have a good investment opportunity now, but we all have to vote yes in order to proceed. One of my brothers called me tonight to talk about it, and he said he was talking to the . One of them said Jills such a conservative investor, shell never go for this.
I loved hearing that. I have been sinfully frivolous, well irresponsible with any extra I had. Ive lost a lot. Then I had a change of heart over time, realizing this is MY life, my chance, my decisions and my consequences. I had to forgive myself, considered my losses tuition, and approached my finances with a gradual increase in discipline. I opened each bill the same week it came. Knowing what I owed, I could schedule, juggle, call to make arrangements for a new payment schedule, etc. I havent paid a late payment since I had my mental shift, and that alone has made me approve of this part of myself.
To hear they think Im a conservative investor tickled me.
As does the progress I made with my bills, my house repairs, etc. Just a little progress makes me feel like a success, because not to do so had made me feel like a failure for so long.
Its a judgment I wouldnt use on anyone else, but I sure did on me.
I think it was just little steps in the right direction, celebrating the progress, and not punishing myself for my actions when I was learning (aka doing it the wrong way).
Some of what Ive read from you makes me think youre hard on yourself for choices you made. Can you take the sting out? Certainly learn the lesson, change your choices if thats what you want, but whats the benefit of rebuking yourself? Go gently, my friend.
Hmmmmmm no chaos no messes to clean up sounds familiar to me . How do you manage when theres no one left to manage ????? found myself in that several yrs ago and it is pretty scarry . Practicing Live and let live , helps . When I asked some one about it and said to her okay so maybe your right , What do i do now ??? She smiled and said * now dear you get a life * hmmmmmmmmm You will be okay . just keep the focus on your needs do what u can in a day and let the rest go. good luck Louise .
Aren't you just so grateful that the condition is temporary? You can change some of it for the better and some of it will just pass. That empty feeling for me was a sense of hopelessness after trying so hard and so long and still coming up loosing. Pity Pity Pity...I chose to marry an alcoholic with expectations of grandeur. It was always my choice and consequences what was missing was right thinking followed by right practice and before all of that a conscious contact with A Power GREATER than myself. The second step says that my Higher Power can lead me to sanity. I've been there a few times after coming into this program and I do sanity more than I have ever done before program. Course it's "Progress not perfection" for me and I do make mistakes (most humorous) and that allows me to take the bitter with the better from time to time.
That was a good honest post. Keep coming back. ((((((hugs))))))
Such an insightful share.You're going deep and that's good.
I hate that emptiness and it has been a companion of mine for so long.I think it kept me in an unhappy marriage,kept me addicted to food,kept me bending and twisting to try to win the approval of a dysfuntional family.And kept me from help in Alanon.I just couldn't bear to feel it but it was always lurking there.
Last year when my marriage ended I felt it more deeply than ever and it was awful.I cried for days sometimes. I just wanted someone to take it away.I had no escape..it was over and there was nothing I could do.Food didn't help.Nothing did.I was lost, there was no one to focus on but me.When I focused on me all there was was that awful emptiness.
I turned to Alanon again for help, actually it was right here at MIP.Some wonderful people said very simple things to me but they were things I desparately needed to hear.They told me to fight for myself because I am worth it.I stayed and I did the work.I looked at ME for the first time.It wasn't easy, but Alanon was all I had and it felt good so I kept coming.I saw hope in the shares of people who were living better lives.I wanted that.
A higher power is the foundation of the 12 steps.I have always believed in God but didn't really see him working in my life.With the steps and peple in Alanon I now see him and feel him and know he is there taking care of me.That is what I have always wanted from a man.To take care of me.I guess because I didn't really feel cared for as a child.But I have never known that kind of man.I would still like to meet one,however more than that I want to become more self reliant.I want to know that whatever comes I can handle it with the help of my higher power (God).As Luna said if I find that man he will compliment me,not complete me.
As for the procrastination,I used to have that problem.I began to see that it caused a stress in me because whatever it was I was trying to avoid was still there hanging over me.It was better to get it done and then I could have peace.Now I always take the most unpleasant task first and get it over with.I like the bills paid as soon as I can pay them so I don't have to worry about threats and collections.It also helps me with self respect because I know I am being responsible.Again, to refer to what someone else said here,( Jill), it's MY life,MY decisions,My consequences.
Hang in there and keep working it.It takes time to become comfortable with peace and quiet.Eventually you learn to cherish it and won't miss the drama of the alcoholics.Who needs all that stress!There is so much more to fill our lives with.Good people,good times,fun activities.Life doesn't have to be so hard.
I have gotten so many EXCELLENT responses, my goodness, I feel a big weight lifted. In reading them all, I get the impression this 'emptiness' is a temporary station along the way, not a feeling to run away from or fill up with someone or something else.
Looking deep inside can be uncomfortable, but the boogeys are not near as scary as they appear to be. Besides, if I am filled up with alcoholic/codependent dramas, where will God fit in? I doubt he feels like shouting over the hubbub.
"Be still and know that I am God."
Yup! Being 'still' is a good way of saying 'I'm empty now', giving HP the room inside me to do the work that needs doing. So feeling the emptiness is uncomfortable, but necessary to my move on outta here.
And practically speaking, the hints and pointers are very helpful. If nothing changes, nothing changes. But I want change! Dru is so right, life doesn't need to be so dark and difficult.
I think maybe the emptiness is so uncomfortable because it is so unfamiliar. I feel like the emptiness has become a kind of stillness that now is becoming comforting. Like I can feel my HP around me. I have gotten to a point of not being able to stand the drama. I crave the stillness, and my life gets crazy again whenever I forget to make time for it.
Thank you for this thread. It gets a person to thinking. Those are the good kind.
Also, I don't mean to copy cat, but I love your avatar so I finally did mine, too. Goats are such happy people. They make me smile. I thought these little guys would make others smile, too.
P.S. I thinkwe're nieghbors. I'm just S of CDA.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
with all their chaos and drama . . . there ain't much there . . . inside of ME.
. But that is what I've done my entire life. I didn't necessarily marry them, or live with them, but in my mind, they were there to take care of me so I didn't have to.
.
). I too, just like Deb, got what I asked for and it hurts. But so do most things that make us grow up finally.