The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have done the recovery route, and the non-recovery. 2 years no alanon, here I am back.
I have become depressed and no good for my kids. I lost my job to "downsizing" 3 years ago, we took money and investged in real estate and the market fell apart. We have rentals that will not sell, and I manage it, its just killing me and weighing me down.
Went back to the same company after many attempts at different things including working for my church and odd jobs for people, took a huge cut in pay, and 1 year later my self-esteem is through the basemen t.
I quit smoking to try to improve my self esteem and now I gained 30 pds, have high blood pressure and hormone problems. and I turned 40 this year and feel like I have never looked, felt or behaved worse.
I'm ready to give up on dealing with the alcoholic, start smoking again and realize that none of this self help stuff works with alcoholics, they will wear you down. Why should I put up with all this crap anyway? why should we just let everything fall apart because our a's can't do things and are sick? How are we supposed to cope? Just handle everything? Let things foreclose or go bankrupt becase they are sick? Let our health suffer? Let our kids see it/not see it? Divorce or not divorce?
If I divorce, I risk their saftety in my opinion. If I don't I'm sending the message; that this drinking is "ok" which it is not.
I went to a counselor at an addiction center, they said I know how to hanlde because I know Alanon from 6 years of attendancem, I don't feel like I know what to do, in fact I feel like I am crazy and that all of this is crazy too.
So I try everything and still end up suffering myself and looking like the problem. Great. When are we supposed to realize that Alcoholics ruin our lives and we have a right to a good life? What is the answer Alanons?
Tell me why I should come back to this program. As far as I'm concerned it just kept me stuck for longer than I should and just put the guilt more on me for how I handle HIS disease.
(((flower)))) I can feel the pain in your post. I can tell you what brought me to Alanon..my life was unmanagable..i didn't know what to do or where to turn. Hearing step one for the first time was a great relief to me. I was powerless over alcohol...the alcoholic..and a lot of other things. I came to realize in time I had to give up the illusion of control over those things. I came to alanon for me...not my alcoholic or his disease. I came because I was affected by the disease of alcoholism. When I first came to alanon I felt broken and defeated. But, I soon learned there was hope for a better life for me. I learned I was not alone. The love and fellowship I find in my f2f, with my sponsor and here at MIP have carried me thru some rough times in my life. I am grateful for all I have learned in this program. I have learned to love me again. I am a work in progress and for this too I am grateful. I no longer try to control my AH or his disease...I work on me, because that is where I do have control. Not sure if any of this helps you..but it is the reason I came to alanon..and the reason I stay.
When is enough enough? When you decide you have had enough.
I joined Alanon three years ago when my A had his first relapse in our relationship. Honestly, I "didn't get it". I don't know why, perhaps it just wasn't time for me to get it. I involved myself for a while, then when we moved to Idaho I let it go.
Until . . . he relapsed again. And stayed "relapsed". I live 30 miles from the nearest town of any size, so isolated and alone. I found MIP and in my misery and isolation, I began to see a heckuva lot more to Alanon than I saw in my first pass through.
Perhaps it was because I could go back and read, and reread, the posts and responses, that I began to see Alanon working for people in similar situations to mine. Like Rosie, it hit home with me that I AM indeed powerless over alcoholism and addiction, my life was unmanageable, and whether or not my A ever sobered up, there was the promise of a new life for me. I just had to see it as MY life, separate from the alcoholic. Not divorced or away from him, but right here where I'm at.
I began to see that I had many choices, when I "dropped" trying to somehow control how my A behaved. I assure you I tried everything in my power to stop him, to get him to be more kind to me. I am a very persistent person. I might as well have peed in the wind.
Once accepting the alcoholic has nothing to do with ME, that's when I began to 'get it'. But I had to let go of the alcoholic and grab onto these healthier people first. And I had to trust that I didn't know everything about me, my future, or what could and would happen. It was up to God and I began to trust him. From there, it all flowed out.
Keep an open, open mind! In your suffering, you can't see everything, just the suffering. There is more, and that is a promise ;)
Hi.... I'd encourage you to re-read your post - about how you are feeling, and how "stuck" you feel - and you may have answered your own question as to why you should choose recovery. Sometimes we go to Al-Anon well before we are ready to truly listen and learn..... Step 1 reminds us that "our life has become unmanageable".... Sounds to me like you are feeling, today - relatively without "recovery" - that your life is, indeed, unmanageable.
Our recovery offers a new hope for a better life..... More serenity, more liking and loving ourselves, etc.... Like most things worthwhile, our recovery is only going to be as good as what we put into it - but the fundamentals are proven over millions of people and the test of time.
Just my two cents Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I guess if it works it works and if it doesn't you do something else. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I know it helped me to come here and just get all that poison out of my system, vent , vent, vent. I have found the better I am the less I post and keeping it inside just eats you away. I chose to leave and walk away from my husband and his problems. I have 3 kids, I left 2/3 of the income moved everything and managed to support us all on my paltry public service salary. When you decide to leave is when you'll leave and only you know when the time is right. For me something snapped and I couldn't take another minute of his crap. I think you have to be in the right frame of mind to do anything you set out to - leave, quit smoking, eat right, etc. etc. I started smoking again recently and am not quite ready to quit but I know I will when I am. Sometimes when you have too many things to think about it helps to prioritize and deal with the most important things first, then when you get rolling with the accomplishments it gets easier and easier because your load is lightened with each new one and your self esteem grows.
Oh boy flower please get back to your meetings you need support from people who understand , Your statement about this self help stuff dosent work for alcoholics , is absolutley right , cause it's not for him it's for you . changes we make are not to change the alcohlic or make him see us in a diff light it's for us has nothing to do with him . Treat yourself to some sexy smelling bath bubbles , do it for you .get a new hair cut , do it for you , little things to make u feel better . Period . Changing your attitude will make the world of diff , not smoking is a huge thing thirty pounds will go with a little effort . give yourself a pat on the back ya done a good thing . Your post reminded me of myself along time ago , every few yrs prior to this program I would re invent myself , loose weight , hair perfect , perfect housewife , perfect cook etc and nothing ever changed he still drank . I was told that anything I tried was doomed to fail . BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO SOLVE A PROBLEM THAT WAS NOT MINE TO FIX IT'S HIS !! go figure. I was not the reason he drank and I was not going to be the reason he quit (which was a little hard to swallow at first ) today I know his drinking wasn't personal he was not drinking at me , he drank because he had a problem Period. Please get the focus back on yourself and start enjoy ing those kids again , they deserve one sane and happy parent. ((((((((hugs))))))))))
For me MIP offers me a place to vent and get feedback. If I am having a rough time coping with my AH, I can come here, pour out my heart and soul and know that everything I am saying is not going to be used against me down the road. I can let it all out, which helps me sort through it. Then I get all of this wonderful feedback that helps me to see I am not to blame for all my AH does, that I am allowed to be mad and that I do have choices.
I think Alanon means different things to everyone. You make it what you need it to be. Hopefully you can continue to come back to this site and post and get feedback that will help you get through those bumpy spots in your life. Take care of you. A healthy you is always a positive for everyone who knows you. :) I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
