The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I am Charlie Brown and my AHsober is Lucy holding the football. Every time I think it is going to be different, that I can trust and kick the football, it gets pulled away and I land flat on my back. I think it is time to put away the ball...
On my way to a f2f meeting tonight I took off my wedding ring. I wanted to throw it out the window, but settled for my cup holder instead. My h's ring has been off for 4 months, but he now has it on his watch band. Yeah, it is visible and closer to his finger, but really, it means nothing. My 10 yr old daughter noticed his and claimed to me that she believed it meant a better relationship. He doesn't realize it, but he is playing with her heart too. I think I will put my ring back on so at least I can demonstrate that I am committed while we are still married and that it means something to me. As much as my h wants to deny it, we are shaping thier future, and the messages we give them through our actions are powerful! The uncertainty of our marriage is torturing her. She said that although she knows God answers he prayers in "acts", she doesn't understand why she can't hear him in her heart and have an actual conversation with him. She is scared. So am I. I tried to reassure her in my best mommy voice that we will be okay no matter what.
The rollercoaster is driving me nuts. I wrote my h a card discussing my part and telling him I am ready for a resolution, one way or another. He left me a voicemail saying that he was going to write me a letter in response and then after I "digested it" ( ugh - bad term) wanted to open communication with me either by phone or with the counselor that we used to go to (and that he terminated )- whatever I was comfortable with. At first I took it as good news, thinking he would not subject himself to a counselor again if he wanted to divorce, but then I realized how neutral the message was and perhaps he just wants another person present so I don't hurt him. Also, he just kind of treats me like "nothing" so I think I am kidding myself by even thinking he wants to reconcile. I could drive myself nuts by analyzing it, but I am already there
We have an open house at our business this weekend. Lots of pressure, lots to do. Thus, I will wait til next week. It's been almost 6 mos of sobriety for him but other than not drink or use (as far as I know), he isn't working a program and is still hooked on his most painful addiction of talking (and probably more) to another A woman. I feel like an idiot in allowing him to have both worlds. Is he happy? Nope, I don't think so, but for some reason that doesn't give me solice, it just makes me feel stupid. He knows how much it hurts me, but doesn't care, and he banks on my loyalty of protecting our kids and our business. I could call her husband, but the guy is a jerk and a hothead. While I wouldn't mind him beating my h to a pulp, I keep thinking of how there are 5 kids involved (3 are ours) and how would we explain those black eyes? Also, knowing what I know of the other couple there would be no secrets and the kids would suffer. No matter how great my pain is I don't think I could take that risk, though I sure am tempted and often think what if...who knows? On the other side of the coin if I don't finally stick up for myself, I think of the message my kids will receive some day (cause they will find out - actually my 14 yr old son knows of the affair but not that it is ongoing -which is that dad believes marriage vows are meaningless and mom felt so worthless she shared dad with someone else. Now that is hard to "digest".
Well, enough from me. Hopefully by posting I emptied my brain somewhat and I can get some sleep. Both my 10 yr old and 2.5 yr old sleep with me now, something I used to never allow, but am just too worn out to battle. Besides, they need me. I need them too.
Goodnight,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hope you got a good nights sleep. I would have never when I wore those shoes. I finally got the practice of letting go to the level that I could focus on just the area I was standing in and the next beneficial spiritual principal I needed to learn. It was difficult; not impossible and I am glad for the process and progress.
It is often said that a drunk without a program of recovery is not a sober drunk. Of course the same thing applies to the members of our program also. Putting down the alcoholic and focusing on what needs to be improved in my life is major improvement.
Oh Lou, I also hope you got some sleep last night - You have been on a rollercoaster ( I know that ride well myself). Honey read what you wrote last night . Let your AH take care of himself but you have got to work your program and take care of you and your children. Last week I was totally obsessing over my AH's girlfriend and it was only destroying me. Thankfully I was finally able to surrender and realize if that the life he wants than really I'm better off without him. Mine did not work a program either in the 20 years he was sober and that's why he was so miserable and eventually relapsed. You and your babies deserve a happy peaceful life and that I what is what I pray for you.
