The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post, although I've been enjoying reading other posts for quite some time..
I am in a 2 yr relationship with my A, who has been in rehab for a month and gets back next week. I went to a family program during which I learned a LOT about the disease which made me both relieved and scared. Relieved because I now really accept that I have no control over/did not cause this disease, and also scared because I have no control over this disease! Knowing the nature of alcoholism and that relapses are common, I have no idea what will happen when he gets home- and am trying to just be supportive and have no expectations. I really want to be hopeful but sometimes its hard when you hear the statistics..
So many questions are going through my mind. What will a relationship be like sober? I have only known him while actively drinking. Will we still like eachother? I know the person he is and love him, but it is so new and scary. What if he does relapse? I know that I have to live my own life and be happy, but towards the end when his drinking got really bad I was not happy. I'm not sure that I could live with that again.
I came to realize that one day at a time really does help me, and that today I do want to stay with him..maybe someday I will decide that its not working anymore. It is hard to be young and think that this person I love will be an alcoholic his entire life and think of the battle ahead. Sometimes I wonder if anyone who has been married to an alcoholic for many years would look at me and say get out while you can..it just seems that I hear so many stories of pain and years of heartache. I don't want to be scared and anxious about the future I want to be hopeful..but being a young woman I look into the future and want to see marriage and kids and want someone there I can count on!
Just feeling sad that a wonderful person and the man I love has to deal with alcoholism...
Welcome to MIP, Summergrl! It sounds like you got a LOT out of the family program. And as a young person you have a level head and are thinking some serious and realistic thoughts.
Alanon is all about the questions you are asking and wondering about. This program is for people affected by another's alcoholism and or drug addiction. We exchange our experience, strength and hope with each other from wherever we are at. Some choose to stay by the alcoholic's side and some choose not to. That is about the least important part of Alanon, because it's all about YOU, what you want, what you need, and you are well on your way by what I read in your post. Good good good for you!
This forum is a great daily stop for me (especially lately), but for me I also need face to face contact with other Alanon folk in the meetings. We recommend the face to face meetings very much, it keeps us in very close contact with the principles of the program, and dang, it just feels great to go to a meeting! It gives me a nice energy boost for a good day or two afterward.
I relate with the grief and sadness too. It is a terrible condition, and for a young person to face all the negative possibilities is sobering indeed. Still, it's necessary. It's your life after all. You'll hear people fighting the disease in themselves side by side with their alcoholic and others who felt the need to break it off to save themselves. There's hope and learning to be had for you from both sides of the story, and I sincerely hope you continue to post, ask question, vent frustration and just share your story. We need each other to grow.
I'm glad you came by, and hope to see you again soon :)
Welcome to the MIP family! Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and humor (good for the ) I remember so well those feelings when the A came home from rehab. It's true that the stats are against them.
This is what I know now: Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Recovery for both of you is a selfish thing. It has to be. It's how they survive and we get healthy again. All you can do is be loving and supportive of him. Realize that he will spend lots of time at meetings and doing his own thing. (Go back to a post I did on April 26 on AM I READY FOR SOBRIETY? It was a post from a much wiser member. It helped me so much.) Realize that they are fighting a war only they know. My AH was a chronic relapser. He struggled alot. I struggled alot. I do worry about him relapsing again. I wonder what I would do if he relapsed again. But this program has taught me not to project into the future. I definitely take it ODAT.
I can happily say AH has been sober over a year now! We still work our programs both together and separately. I realize I still have lots of work to do on me. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. I have known my A sober as well as active. I was lucky he was a late blooming alcoholic. So I knew the person in there. But he has changed and so have I. Thanks to my program, I know that whatever comes down the road for us, I can face. I have learned so much here. I have learned lots by attending meetings, including open AA meetings (it gave me a perspective I didn't have). Keep working on your recovery and let him travel the path that he has to. Best of luck to both of you. Keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
From experience - the best thing you can do to support him is to get your own program, and keep your hands off his. He needs to devote a lot of himself to his program if he is going to succeed, and you need to get your needs met, somehow, without resenting him for not doing it. Being the sweet supportive martyr gets real old, real fast.
As for what someone would say, after living years and years with an A - the only thing I can think to say is: when considering whether or not to have children with an A, active or not, please look squarely at reality, rather than indulging in wishful thinking. The way he is is likely the way he will be.
Children complicate the issue enormously, they are so vulnerable, so affected by the health (or otherwise) of the home they grow up in. Speaking personally, I saw the red flags my husband put up, and chose to ignore them. Now I see the effects of their childhoods on my children. I see the perfectionism of my son. I see how much my duaghter loved her dad, and how male love will probably always look this way to her, and the type she will probably chose for herself - a charming, emotionally unavailable man, who will always leave her wanting more, and feeling inadequate. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they will surprise me (they usually do) but I know that growing up in a home with an A, even in our case where their relationship with their father was always good, will effect their whole lives.
Hi, I'm so glad you are here. The only thing I would say to you is to look at yourself and your history. I mean this with great caring, but you were with him for 2 years before he went into rehab. Do you come from a family of alcoholism or addiction? I married my husband after 8 months of sobriety and that was a huge mistake for us. We should have waited 2 years at least because we were young and there were so many changes in our lives. Al-anon is a wonderful program for life so keep on coming back we are glad you are here.
Hi glad you are here. My AH is also in rehab. he has been there for a week now. I have talked to him he sounds good. I don't want to think of him coming home yet because it is scary. I hope the best fo you and your boyfriend does great when he comes home. It will be a life long procss for him and you. I love my AH very much and I wonder why sometimes. Take things slow and don't do to many changes at once when he gets home. That is what we are going to ty and do. As much as what you can keep things normal with 3 kids. Good luck to you.
You too have to deal with alcoholism it's isn't wasm . it can be arrested and never cured . meetings and new friends will help him stay sober . I believe that the best way to support our loved ones is to get into our own program , He is not the only one who has to change . Like it or not we have a part in thisi mess too. I hope u will attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself . Your about to find out that sobriety is not the answer to all of your problems , but it sure helps. I am not sorry I stayed in my marriage and I believe that working this program for me is responsible for that decission . Husb is 19 yrs sober and our life has definetly changed for the better. He is still alcoholic and I still react to him so I keep going to my meetings to keep me on track . congrats to b'f for his efforts and take care of you . Louise
Summer, If I knew back when I was seventeen, what I know now, I would have done my best to get over him then.
Honey I am 54 and his disease has affected and made my life more difficult than it ever should have been.
The disease changed a mellow,funny country girl who loved to play and dance and laugh, into a melancholy country woman who fears love and trusts no one to really love her back. I only really trust my animals love and loyalty.
I, thank God,got a R.O. and he was not in our life as the kids grew up. I would NEVER intentionally have kids with an A, knowing what I do.MY experience.
Do relate to the love, however I found out I loved me more than he did or does. The drug will ALWAYS come first,even in recovery.
Instead of going for the drug, they go for sobriety.
Anyway keep coming back. Thank God you have a chance at making a wise decision becuz you found alanon early.
much love,debilyn who says this but has no regrets and appreciated the good time I had with my AH
) I remember so well those feelings when the A came home from rehab. It's true that the stats are against them. 
We still work our programs both together and separately. I realize I still have lots of work to do on me. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. I have known my A sober as well as active. I was lucky he was a late blooming alcoholic. So I knew the person in there. But he has changed and so have I. Thanks to my program, I know that whatever comes down the road for us, I can face. I have learned so much here. I have learned lots by attending meetings, including open AA meetings (it gave me a perspective I didn't have). 
