The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Once I had a dream or maybe more...i am in the corner but the tears wont come out. They are stuck inside. I have no friends. I have no self. I am not anything. I look blankly at everything. 2 or more tears fall without expression. I am useless with no background. i am not I but the little kid inside that has come out. Push that kid inside. I am worthless and a nobody. I am called a liar just because my plans have changed. havent prayed in a long time. used to believe in prayer. have not read my bible either. church was helping me i thought. Just thoughts.somehow physical pain is all I feel. I have allowed another person to make me feel so alone, and low, like i am always being accused of. I am a zero. This is not a dream. Its real time now. and thats the whole reality of life, what you think maybe a dream is really real. my eyes are so heavy and my eyelids are swollen from the tears I let out. I am wornout.
My self esteem is very low. I am living with an alcholic. Today I went to visit a friend, the cell was not in range. My partner called 3 times as I found out when I was driving home. I called back. I got home. Was accused of being a liar, hiding something, was told that I was not the victim but my partner was. It got worse. I left. I came back. I said I was sorry. It got worse with the verbal insults. I need a hug. there is no one in my life. I do not have family. My friends are with someone else.
I am lost in between everything with no emotion but pain and numbness...I really hate myself emothinonally
No one's a zero. It's funny how the most sensitive and vulnerable people think they are "nothing", it's the perfect match for the alcoholic deep in their disease. Many of them seem to need a punching bag, mine did.
For the first few years I believed him too. I guess deep inside I felt like a zero, or else I wouldn't have paired up with him in the first place.
Through some therapy, and especially through Alanon, I know I'm not a zero, I never was, NO ONE can be a zero and be a human being. As I grew to realize I didn't deserve to be treated so badly, the fights began. He refused to change. I refused to change. He needed a zero to make himself feel better. I needed Alanon, so that I did not need HIM.
I honestly believe now that if someone I didn't know treated me with even the slightest contempt, I would see it instantly. Before, I just didn't know. My father was an alcoholic too, and just as mean and angry as my husband the A. My A only talked to me like my dad did my whole life. I was used to it, and didn't see it as a warning sign. Even worse, it felt comfortable, like "home" to be a second class citizen. All the women in my family walked around hunched over like squirrels, peeping and apologizing. Taking the blame for everything.
Living with an angry, sick alcoholic will throw your self esteem in the toilet if you don't have a "back up" group of people like fellow Alanoners, church folk, and supportive friends to counterbalance the negativity.
It's sad to see that you feel so down, that you're taking all the A's crap on yourself. You don't have to, it isn't yours. YOU know where you were, what you were doing. He's fantasizing. He doesn't "see" you truly. Come be here with us, go be with other Alanons at meetings, and see yourself as you truly are -- a precious and loved human being. Take care :)
Your bringing a tear to my eye....I feel your pain, how I feel on times like this. We are so alone sometimes, we want to be alone sometimes. This Illness destroys us completely. I wish we were there in person for you right now. We are here and sending you our prayers.
Please keep comming to the board. Or anyone you can talk to, or meetings, anything to keep you going. Also if you can t speak to anyone, call someone from al-anon helpline.
Sending you a big (((((((((((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))
I can relate to your post. I was married to my first husband for 13 years. He wasn't an A, but had the behavior. Towards the end of our marriage, I was in the same state of mind that you're in. I was so depressed and just hating my life. I used to write poetry at that time, and it was pretty good, because I was "feeling" it.
I became what he and everyone expected of me. Now, mind you, I am a determined, loving, strong-willed woman, but he took all that from me and wore me down to a pulp emotionally and mentally. Even physically, because I had let myself go due to the depression. He kept the only car because HE needed it to get to work, where he was a big shot and would go out to eat with the reps who came in to their office. He spent a lot of time traveling to other states to job sites overseeing projects. He had a busy life outside of our home, while I had no car, a small child, living out in the country where I couldn't walk anywhere because we were so far from town. He even changed our bank account to another bank, and had only his name put on the checks. And he failed to tell me that he did this, until I found out by accident a few weeks later. He would have his secretary deposit his work check if he was out of town. Once I said I'd go pick it up because I needed to cash it for something, when he was out of town, and he said she could just do it. There's even more to this story, but I don't have the space or time to write it.
I finally decided I needed help because I had never been this low EVER, and I felt like I wasn't going to make it to see my daughter grow up. I planned to go back to school and train for a new profession. I did that, filed for divorce and moved out. Sounds so simple, but it was devastating to me to leave the life I had known for so long. I was so unsure of myself, but yet so excited for my new life.
I finally was able to get off of the antidepressant (immediately after my divorce). I started taking back my life. It was a lifesaver to divorce him.
I have married again, this time to an A (unknowingly). He's not the mean, controlling type of person my ex was/is, and I have a new set of problems resulting from his being an A (now sober), but I am not in the depressed state of mind that I was in during the first marriage. I felt doomed in that marriage, but I feel like I can be myself this time around.
I'm only telling you this so you will know that you aren't alone in how you feel. I know the lonliness and fear and rejection. I know the way the mind thinks in that state. It's scary. I reached out to a counselor for help during the first marriage. He asked me if I could wait for an appointment, and I said no. I said I didn't know if I would still be here, so he got me in immediately.
Ask for help from someone licensed to help. It will be the beginning of empowerment. I know, because I was in your shoes. I'm living proof that you can escape the indescribable pain and that there's something better for you.
I keep remembering a post-it note I had stuck to my desk at my office. It said, "my life matters". I had to tell myself this over and over and over and over to finally believe it. Everyone matters. You matter too sweetie. We are here for you.
Wow, I am so glad you came here and let all that poison out!! I am serious, that is hard work. Every time we let it out, the less damage it can cause.
You may be too sad to care to do this, but in my experience, I have done this.
I imagine looking down on me and thinking about what I could do for her to make her feel better.
We can only love ourselves by giving our self the gift of acceptance, loving our self just how we are, and becuz of who we are, warts, and all.
Myself, if A ever said stuff like that to me, I would say that is abusive and how dare you talk to me like that. No one controls my life but me.
How dare your partner be so awful to you. You are an adult, if you did choose to not answer, that is your choice. Plus it shows how insecure your partner is. Hon what were you apologising for?
The more confidant you are, the less the partner will question you. Besides if there is no trust, what is there?
When I get down I will say, everything is ok over and over,and remind myself things will get better.
Yes you need a hug. And you need anti stressors. For me, I know I am worthwhile for the life I choose, taking care of my animal sanctuary.
I set goals for myself and attain them, that helps build me up. It all has to come from you,and faith in hp.
You may not feel hp close to you right now, but he is hanging onto you.
