The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last 5 years I have been in a terrible depression. I felt so burned and so ignored by the A. For him it was all his friends, his family, his work, his everything. There was no "us". There were times when I tried to set limits on his friends taking over our house and he absolutely slaughtered me. He'd publicly humiliate me and say he didn't want me around and say I should get out. He made full well and sure for me to know that he wanted me gone and for him to be able to party party party party as much as he wanted. I was stuck with a truck paymetn that if I didn't pay it would ruin my credit and if I did pay it I would have to sell it anyways in order to move. He put me in a real double bind. Meantime I was making nothing. I could not find a job to save my life. There was no work but I was also practically unemployable because I was so depressed. I stuffed all the feelings down with food and gained like 60 lbs at least. I was also ill, very very ill with asthma. The A ignored it. I would ask him if he'd go to the store for me but his friends, his needs were paramount and he was always telling me he was working and how his grandiose plans were all held up by me and my needs and difficutl it was to deal wtih me.
Somewhere along the line I found this room by then I was suicidal. I was so so desperate. I used to cry and be so so depressed and convinced I was never going to get anywhere. Gradually over time I learned to do some self care. I found some awful job stuck at it, found another job, kept at it. I went to counselling that helped some. I kept going. The A inissted I needed it. After all I was the "problem".
So cut to 2 years down the line. I've left the A and he's fallen so so far he's homless and has nothng. Al the friends who were so so so so so much more important than me are gone. The family who took priority over everything every single holiday have dumped him. And now I'm angry, really really angry at being treated like I was less than zero. I'm angry about him treating him and abusing me and manipulating me and demeaning me. I've even more angry that he fried his brain over an dove on goodness knows what and still denies it. I'm angry that he still can't tell the truth. I'm angry that he is still in some fantasy la la land where the grandiose is the norm. He can't be in realtiy for one second.
I'm angry that he can no longer be mean, nasty, maniplative and demeaning to me because he has nothing and the one who put him there is him. I left him and let him play with his friends day and night and squander all his money and drown in his fantasy and he nearly died there. I let him do it after begging him for years and years not to bring those peopel over. I left and let them take him for a ride. I have no idea what the freinds took of his. His stuff is in storage. I would be they took quite a bit. That's on him.
I have told friends of mine who are well meaning I do the best I can but I can't do much for the a. I do far far more than he would ever do for me. I know when I was sick, desperate or needed something he was not always there for me. He was at times and I know there was time before his drug/alcohol use took center stage he cared. He cares about our dogs but that didn't stop him from nearly having to give them to the humane society because he used up all his money resources on his friends and god knows what.
I'm angry that it had to come to this that he nearly lost it all in order for him to stop. I'm angry at his family for no longer caring whether he lives or dies. And I understand their frustration and anger but yet I couldnt' imagine not caring. I could not imagine not knowing. When I was separated from him and didnmt' know that hurt me deeply more deeply than anything because I knew he was in trouble deep deep trouble.
I'm angry that the economy was so so so bad for such a long long time that I had no where to go and no resources. I am angry that I had to come here and it was only when I came here that I started to find some strength that I clearly didn't have for such a long time. I'm angry that I got to the point i could not function at all and I blamed myself endlessly that he was so out of control. And I got so angry I didn't know what to do but scream and yell. I stil shout and get angry when its not appropriate. I no longer lay my life down for it.
I'm angry that I still feel some sense of resonsibiility for him when he had no ne for me for years by his actions and his words. I am angry that I took that and didn't know how to take care of myself.
I'm just angry and I'm letting myself be angry without it immolating me and dissolving me into non functioning as its always done. But I'm angry very very very angry that he let that disease tkae him to the point of destruction.
Thank you for this - it was helpful to me to read this today. I am also dealing with difficult emotions right now - different ones than you are, but equally devastating at times. I needed to be reminded that I can just let them pass through me, and not be destroyed by them.
As much as I avoid over-indulging in my anger, it has enlivened me to wake up and face reality. It has a good purpose. It's when the energy from it has no where to go that I get depressed. All I have to do is move around and keep active so far.
I notice anger, or joy, or any emotion does just 'wash over me', it doesn't last, and I don't have to do anything like hold onto it or get rid of it. Its a natural cycle, it comes and goes.
Like Lin says, the difficult emotions, where you feel like squirming or chewing off your leg to get away from them . . . those are the ones I have to actively remember that they wash over me, too, just like the more pleasant or energizing ones.
Mostly it's the feeling of loss and self betrayal that I want to run away from. Since I can't or won't :D I sometimes have a dialogue with "it". I say, "There you are, OK, you aren't leaving any time soon. You're one uncomfortable room mate right now, but you're here for a reason." Thinking of the emotion as a person makes it smaller, sorta, and talking to it gives me the feeling of being more in control of myself. I have also cursed at certain feelings and emotions, told them to go to hell, etc. They do, in their own sweet time, and I'm left afterward just fine, maybe a little tired, but intact. Maybe they won't kill me after all . . .
Kim, your post reminded me of the old Billie Holiday song -
"Good morning heartache Thought we said goodbye last night I turned and tossed until it seemed you had gone But here you are with the dawn Wish I'd forget you, but you're here to stay It seems I met you When my love went away Now everyday I'm saying to you Good morning heartache What's new Good morning heartache Here we go again Good morning heartache You're the one Who knew me when Might as well get used to you hanging around Good morning heartache Sit down"
When I read your post, I noticed that throughout it you referred to how you "let" him fall, do this and that etc. To me this sounds like you thought you could have had some control over it - perhaps you could have prolonged it, but that's about it. You didn't let him do anything, he chose to do everything he did and then come the consequences of homelessness, etc. Regardless of whether you were there to rescue him or not, he would have still gone down the same path and ended up in the same place. The difference now is that you chose not to go with him down that path. It wasn't what you let happen it was what he made happen! You were just sitting back and doing your own thing which is what normal people do. This is not your guilt to bear! I hear a lot of anger and resentment and I think it's probably anger at him for making stupid choices and resentment that he didn't do what you wanted him to do. I think we all get caught in that trap of thinking that people are supposed to behave a certain way and expect A's to behave within societal norms but they are not capable of this. I have resentments too but I find they only hold you back if you dwell on them. What it took for me was to forgive and to accept that he's just not the person I wanted him to be or the person he used to be. Most of the time now when I think about him - which is becoming a rarity - I think how sad that he threw his life away. I certainly don't think that I LET all this happen to him and he is in prison, will be homeless when he gets out with nothing to go to. I choose to let him go and make a better life for me and the kids. He chose to go to prison. He could have chosen to work and see his kids and maybe even get his family back at some point but that time is passed and that was his choice. We all make choices every day good or bad we have to live with our own but to live with yours and someone elses is too big of a burden! Yours are the only ones you can control!
Mary you have come so far, from a little mouse to a very strong roaring lioness. I tell ya it is so humbling to be here this long and get to see how the program works when ya work it.
I hope you will cont. to share,even if ya hit a bottom again.
I am also proud of you for taking your stand about the fur family you love. Not everyone has that "passion" for an animal family. You know I relate completely.
For me girl, I would live in a tent as long as my animals had their needs met.
For me there is no stronger love or loyalty than them. They love you as is. You give them what they need and they give back so much more. I am glad you have that passion Mary, I believe that is what keeps ya going.
You did not allow the disease to take all your heart away. I am so glad. I also am proud of you for sticking to your convictions of helping your a as much as you felt comfortable with, you were strong, and you are not allowing the disease to such ya dry.
