The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My summer has been driving to take care of my mom after surgery. It was touch and go for awhile. My family targeted me as the cause of everyone's angst. My oldest son whose in the military is very sick and we don't know why. And my AHsober who moved out 2 years ago and keeps hammering about a divorce. Today I went to my orthopedic doctor appt. for my shoulder. It has hurt for several months. The doc said I need surgery and that I would be out of circulation for 3 to 6 months. The thing is I am a PE teacher and I rely on my physical skills to teach. I called human resources about a lateral transfer to teach in another subject area and she said I didn't meet the minimum requirements.
I decided to tell my AHsober about my surgery because it affects our finances. He right away went into his normal tirade about yea that's too bad your having surgery but I want a divorce. The conversation deteriorated into a mini brawl. And he keep saying divorce, divorce, divorce, I don't like you, I am not going to help you, you keep me from happiness, you won't let go, I am not coming around for birthday parties for the boys anymore, they can just come to my place.
I talked to two of my adult boys in front of their dad. I said that I was sorry that our conflict impacts them. I said that he is a good father but it is his choice to end our relationship. I asked them how they wanted to interact with us. My oldest said that he had his own problems to deal with. My youngest said that i had had it the way I had wanted for 20 years and now it was changing and I didn't like it.
Well, I remember 35 years ago when I yelled at my AHsober for the same things I did today. I lost it, I am dysfunctional, I am powerless but I keep trying to fix it. This is the biggest challenge of my life and I have no clue what to do. My AHsober told the boys that they needed to help their mother because he certainly wasn't going to help me. This is crazy. Help me HP for I am in so much pain.
Oh Nancy, I'm so sorry, but I know HP hears you, all you have to do is ask.
Reading your post, it looks like a couple of doors have been slammed in your face. You have several negative people around you and now that you need help . . . well, you know. They are family, it seems like they SHOULD be available and willing to help as you have been, but they aren't. It would give me the heebie jeebies to be at the mercy of such angry folks if I needed help!! Even if they were flesh and blood to me.
Your situation makes me think of that saying when God shuts a door on you, He always opens another. Go find that open door, it's there :)
I have no answers for you dear lady. But I can keep you and your family in my prayers tonight and always. My mother once told me that sometimes the more you try to hold onto to things (be it old ideas, relationships, things) for whatever reason, the more you stand to loose.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Nancy I am so very sorry you are going through this terrible time. I wish I could give you some magic words to make it all go away. I cannot. But I will keep you in my prayers and positive thoughts.
Think about getting a second opinion on the surgery. There may be another method of managing your pain.
I send you all the support I can.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Nancy, I'm so sorry. Maybe you can do what I did this morning in tears. I finally just said " God, I don't know what to do anymore about anything. It's all yours," I think I'm just beaten down enough that I can finally really " let go and let God". It's in that miracle that we can see things start to get better. I really believe that on my better days. You have been a trememendous support to me here please remember how special you are.
I'm sure if you do get a divorce your AHsober will find out in no time that it is "him" that causes his unhappiness. People are as happy or sad as they chose to be. It seems that your youngest has been getting an earful from Pops (based on his reply).
I would suggest keeping the lines of communication open with your boys and doing your best to keep them out of it. They can't know your inner feelings and all the past BS that has caused you pain. Only you know. When they give an opinion, it is based on their view or what they've been told only. They can't feel what you feel.
Can you step away from any of this? You seem pretty stressed and have a laundry list of things that are going wrong. How much of it is actually yours? It's so easy to assume responsibility because we are helpers and fixers.
I have a neigbor that is constantly trying to fix her adult children and running herself ragged doing so (not saying you are, just and example). She owns a Pizza Place, works 6 days a week, cares for her 3 yr old Grandchild, bails her junkie daughter out of jail and puts her in rehabs (about 5 x), supports her 32 yr old son that doesn't have a job (makes his car payments), has her sister and her 2 children living with her etc. etc. I had to say to her "how much of this is actually yours?" What if all these people didn't have you? .....They'd survive, they'd be forced to.
Again, I'm not saying this is how I see you at all. But if there is anything you can let go of to relieve yourself, it sounds like it'd be a good time. Even mentally, you just aren't responsible for how others think. I have 2 adult daughters, one w/a husband and child, the other single with 2 kids. They always come to mamma with the drama. I listen, but it's not mine. The son in law accused me of saying something last week that got my daughter upset. I said one word "NOT". I didn't justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE). The drama went on all weekend, accusations, lies, tears, name calling, phone calls etc. I had already said what I had to say and refused to say more.
How about getting a second opinion for your shoulder? I was told I needed surgery also but wanted to try physical therapy instead. It worked! If that is possible for you it would be one less thing on your plate. What can you do to scrape your plate, leave everyone (and thir opinions) to themselves and take care of you and your needs? You are only responsible for you. Remembering, and acting on it can be a huge weight off. Breathe.
Take care friend, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Please remember that is ok to do what is healthy to take care of you.
Although it would be nice to be able to have our emotional support from our loved ones, sometimes they are unable to provide that, but it doesn't mean we have to go without that support.
Like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread - not going to find it there, but you still need bread.
Look for the emotional support that you need from other healthy sources.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
1st - about your shoulder surgery - DO get a 2nd opinion! Here is why. My mom had torn her rotator cuff in several places. It was causing her serious pain all of the time. Well, she went to the "BEST" surgeon in town who said there was nothing he could do for her b/c she had let it get too bad and should have tried to fix it years ago. She was devastated. We encouraged her to get another opinion and she did. This new doctor said that he wasn't sure he could completely fix the tears but that he was at least willing to try. They told her she would be layed up for 3-6 months and that she may never have full function again. She is a school bus driver and decided to wait until school let out for the surgery. She had the surgery in June a year ago. She went through some seriously painful recovery and physical therapy for 3 months. Ya know what? She was back to driving that school bus at the beginning of that next school year. And now she has full mobility and no pain. She is still careful with it....like she didn't boogie board at the beach w/me last week....b/c she can still mess her shoulder up bad if she does the wrong thing....but no one thought she would be able to fix her shoulder and have full use of it again. If she had taken that 1st doctors word for it, she would be laying around in pain and severly depressed for the rest of her life. SO GET THAT 2ND OPINION!!!! And a 3rd and 4th if necessary.
Also, if my AH was hell bent on divorcing me - I'd sign those papers straight away. Holding on to a broken marriage doesn't benefit anyone. And at least if we weren't married, he couldn't blame me any more for things that go wrong in his life. It would give me a chance to heal my heart and maybe find some happiness in life again. But that is just me. I haven't a clue of your exact situation....I just know that I am working on finding out what makes me happy and dumping the drama that makes me sad and unhealthy. Is it time for you to dump some drama too? Your plate seems pretty full of other peoples drama....is it time to scrape it back on to their plate for them to deal with? Is it time to find some serenity in life? You deserve to be happy. Figure out what you can do to make yourself happy and let the others in your life worry about making themselves happy (or miserable, whichever suites them)
Now that is all just me. You do what you gotta do for you. We are here for you and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
((((Nancy)))) I am so sorry for all that is going on. Putting one foot in front of the other can be painful, but it is progress. You are such a strong lady. Please be kind to yourself. Keep those in recovery close to you. Sending you all my best wishes, love and prayers.
