The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to deal with how my decisions are affecting my daughter. I recently started going to counseling with my qualifier (her father). Once we decided this, he moved back in. That lasted about a week before I felt my boundaries were being stepped all over and I told him that I didn't think we should live together until we can work out boundaries we are both happy with.
I had a really great weekend with my daughter. Monday rolls around and I pick her up from school and she wants her Dad, so I let her call him on my cellphone. Then we get home and every car that parked near our house, she is at the front window looking for her daddy. I told her we would see Daddy on Saturday for the Kite Festival we had planned to go to, but that we wouldn't see him tonight. She wanted to talk to him again, so I let her call him again. I talked to him and neither of us knew what to tell her.
He told her he would pick her up from school today. So, I am just hoping he does. When I took the carseat out of my car this morning to leave for him, she had a smile from ear to ear. She knew what taking out the carseat meant. That normally wouldn't break someone's heart, but for me it does. I just feel like her little heart keeps getting broken by my choices and her father's choices. I told her that either daddy or I will pick her up, just in case he ends up saying he can't.
In the past, I would obssess and throw blame all over him, but this time I only see my part. He is who he is and doesn't appear to see a need to change. SOOOO, What am I going to do about my part??? This is the question that I will have to accept and live with until I can figure it out for myself.
I went outside after the second call to him and watered the plants. It was such a beautiful night. I looked up and gave it to my higher power. This is something I need help with...
It is so hard when kids are involved. My A is my son and he has 2 girls. One of the boundaries that was set by his ex-wife was that he could not talk to them on the phone if he was drinking. He made many promises when he did. Promises I am sure he felt , at the time, that he was going to keep. Also, we usually do not tell them when they will see daddy in case he doesn't come through. He is alot better than he was in the beginning in keeping his promises. I am very sure as they get older we will not be able to shield them from their expectations of him.
Keep going out and watering those flowers and looking up.
Tell her the truth , its time . No need go into details about the drinking etc , just that for now mom and dad cannot live together for awhile . Kids know who is weak one in the family , she knows dadddy needs to be looked after and she also knows that your going to be okay. they just somehow know those things. It's not personal , if you were the one out of the home , it would be you she would be making the phone calls to . good luck Louise
My heart would be breaking for such a little child who wants her Daddy. But we can't shield them from life's vicissitudes, there are so many of them, the best we can do is teach them how to cope. If Daddy had a chronic illness and was hospitalized frequently, we'd still mourn for the child's loss, but I doubt the guilt would be bothering us like it does when the illness is alcoholism.
I like M. Scott Peck's books a lot ("The Road Less Traveled"). He says right up front "Life involves a lot of suffering". I wish my parents had been able to teach me how to cope with the ups and downs, but they couldn't cope either. I raised my kids not knowing how to cope all that well, too.
My A is bothering my son about bringing him his stuff. Since my son is 20 years old, I can speak to him as an adult who may not realize it yet, but IS capable of putting aside his feelings about the A, his need to please him and be accepted by him.
I told my son that per the restraining order, the A MUST coordinate a time with a law officer to come get his stuff. My son said, "Yeah, but he said the cops are being buttheads to him." I explained the A had done some manipulating and lying to them and the consequences are that they don't trust him and don't want the responsibility of having him do something while under their supervision. I told him even though the A is repeatedly asking him to bring him stuff, it doesn't make it HIS responsibility to do so.
I gave him some suggestions about how to deflect the A if he comes at him again. I told him it's inappropriate for the A to bother him, and he doesn't have to hang around if approached. I talked some about how to deflect needy people, they are all over the place, and right now the A is just one of them. And, that the A is not his father, and he doesn't have to do anything.
I know most of this bounced off but it is planting seeds. Just how to deal with difficult people in general, without blaming himself for somehow being "all wrong".
I'd like to add that kids take their cues from you - if you treat it like a big deal and a tragedy, so will they.
My husband worked away from home for much of my kids' childhoods - they could never depend on him to be there for any particular event. This worked for the good in many ways - I know that he was sometimes out on a drunk and missed something, but they just assumed that he was working and couldn't make it. I never said, one way or another. Concerts, picnics, school prize days - whoever made it made it, and no big deal was made of it.
Much more important, to my mind, is how he behaves to the kids when he DOES show up. My kids went to an open AA meeting not long ago where my husband was the speaker, and told his story. He touched upon his guilt at not being there for his children, at not being the dad they deserved. The kids drove home with me in my car and my husband went with his sister. No sooner were we in the car then they were all over me "What did he mean?" "Why did he feel guilty?" "He was a GREAT dad!" They had never expected him to always be there, and so were not disappointed when he was not. When he did do something with them, it was something they all enjoyed, and that is what they remember.
I will admit that I tried to stand between the kids and him for much of their childhoods, to shield them from the worst effects of his drinking. If he was sleeping off a hangover, I'd make sure we spent much of the day outside, that kind of thing. When things were at their worst, I sent them to bed before he would get home, and tell them "No matter what you hear down here, don't come down". I did try not to run him down in front of them, though, and not to interfere with their relationship more than I could help. It seems to have worked out - the kids are doing fine, always loved their dad but saw him pretty clearly. In some ways, they did what was often a struggle for me - loved him for what he was, rather than for their expectations of him.
I don't know how old your daughter is. If she's in a car seat then she must be a little one and I don't think she's ready for the speech of alcoholism just yet (that's only my opinion) Until she CAN understand I would just say nice things about daddy and make kind excuses for now. One day at a time. She's too little and there is no need to break her heart. I quit telling my children anything that ah was going to do for them and their hearts quit getting so broke. That was MY part. Good luck sweetie. Its so hard trying to protect them. You can do it.
I don't know how fathers feel but as a mother I have worried so much about the impact of our relationship on our children. They are adults now. I just sat down with them tonight. It affects each one of them differently. But as it was said the kids know, they seem to know which one to go to. They love their dad and seem to accept him as he is. They didn't say much but hopefully know they are supported and love.
