The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today AH has 90 days sobriety. We have had 90 days before, but I will say this 90 days looks different than the other's. We are both working recovery programs today; which is much different than before. I feel like I have grown alot in these past 3 months. I've had to process through almost every emotion I can think of and still have to continue to work on and process through anger and resentments. I am learning how this disease has impacted my life and my children's lives. There is good and bad in this process. I can see where I have allowed my AH and the kids to mistreat me. I have essentially "spoiled" and catered to my AH in the past and now I'm learning how to "spoil" and cater to me. We are both working on how to change the dynamics of how we communicated with each other in the past and how to communicate with each other in sobriety. This is not a "walk in the park". Somedays it's down right exhausting and can feel impossible.
I am watching my AH struggle to find his place in this world sober, and while I am afraid, sad, and nervous for him I am also proud of him that he is struggling with these emotions sober. The fear I have had in the last 3-4 months has been paralyzing at times, but I have been able to let go of some of this and let God. I still have twinges of fear but then I have to tell myself that I have no control over the choices my husband makes. We are still battling with our finances and trying to catch up and straighten out the mess. I still go through resentment about this because essentially if my AH worked steady jobs and gave more to the home instead of his hobbies and his disease we might not be so bad off. I play a part in this as well, and I'm learning to use self-control in my spending too. Impulse buying sure makes me feel good for a while but like the drugs and alcohol my husband used they wore off and he was left with the mess to clean up afterwards.
I'm learning to live one day at a time and keep in conscious contact with my HP; because without my HP or my Alanon support I could not have made it through these last 4 months as well as I have. Thank you MIP Friends for your constant support and prayers and for just letting me share and vent when needed.
Whatever happens I know now that the kids and I will be o.k. we are blessed and have so much to look forward to. Thanks for letting me share.
Peace to each of you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Wow that's a lot of maturity. I am so proud of you. I can see such a lot of growth.
I wrestle with resentment demons but I don't feel as consumed by it as I did in the past. I also wrestle with the big stick stuff of beating myself to a pulp. I try to think progress rather than perfection.
WOOHOO! 90 days! That's awesome! Tell him I said WOOHOO! I remember those paralyzing fears. Once in awhile I would start playing the "what if" game or start projecting too far into the future. I'd really have to stop myself. I would have nightmares, and go back to the same old patterns such as smelling his water bottle! That's when I really went back to my steps. Especially Step 1. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. I just have to be especially delligent in living the steps (as my A would say) and take it ODAT. You'll get through it. Don't forget to tell him how proud you are of him. He's battling a war that most of us have never gone through. Enjoy the happy times.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 18:32, 2007-07-24
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
HI mom congrats to hubby on his 90 days , thats a big deal . and to you too for working your program . Have u found our book Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage ? amazing stuff in there on communication . Since that was our biggest problem I found it helped alot , it's not a big book so its an easy read , just hard to do . there is a major chapter in there called What manner of communication are these ? husb and I both read it actually wish I had bought 2 copies . and another good book Living with sobriety helped me alot too . good luck keep up the good work . Louise
90 days! That's awesome! Tell him I said WOOHOO! I remember those paralyzing fears. Once in awhile I would start playing the "what if" game or start projecting too far into the future. I'd really have to stop myself. I would have nightmares, and go back to the same old patterns such as smelling his water bottle! That's when I really went back to my steps. Especially Step 1. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. I just have to be especially delligent in living the steps (as my A would say) and take it ODAT. You'll get through it. Don't forget to tell him how proud you are of him. He's battling a war that most of us have never gone through. Enjoy the happy times. 