The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been making f to f meetings again and discovered this board very recently, and am grateful to have both.
I wrote on here about a week ago about this woman who I have been friends with in the past and now once again. My husband butt in yrs ago and wanted me to stop talking to her, and I did, I really wanted to anyway. She is a sweet person, though she is very very needy. She goes to f to f meetings constantly, however nothing changes. She whines, is envious of everyone. I have helped her and her daughter financially, I do not expect the money back, and I made this clear to her. She is just not there for me. I was having a really bad day with my husband, and called her, she told me to call her later on that day, but she took her phone off the hook. She does selfish things and really doesn't know how to hold up her end of the friendship. My sponser tells me to relax and except that she is not capable of more. She is not willing to change. I am in a rage right now with this woman. She calls me several times a day, to complain and talks about nothing, her cats total nonsense! I have a more than full time job and a husband who I am working on building a caring relationship with. I don' t have time to call her EVERY day. We are not in junior high. There is nothing to talk about everyday, she goes on and on about how she misses her mother who died four years ago. It is infuriating, because she used to scream at her poor mom all the time, and take money from her. Now she misses her, instead of looking at the good times they had and realizing that she had her mom for many years. I told her that in a kind tone of voice over the weekend, and I said that my mom got sick when I was 17 and died when I was 21, never saw me get married etc. Her mother saw 2 grand kids, and attended all 4 of her weddings! Then she goes on and on about how she worries about her A, all she says is what if he gets pulled over for drunk driving, who is going to pay my rent if he goes to jail? It makes me sick! Here I am living the program to the best of my ability every day, working on things with my A and listening to complete BS about someone who stays with an A because she has no where else to go. She agonizes over him dying or getting arrested every day. She gets extemely nasty when people give her suggestions, yet she haunts us and expects to be included when we go for coffee, why should we ALWAYS pay for her? I am not exagerating at all. I need to get away from this woman, and I know I am not going to do it in a nice way my heart is pounding as I type this. She leaves me whiney messages I mean total blow by blows of the long line in the super market. She got annoyed because I didn't tell her that my husband and I are going away for four days next week to the beach. i told her I forgot to mention it. She is so envious, I don't like sharing nice things with her, she feels like a bad luck charm. PLEASE give me suggestions!
Hi Rita, Well at least you have a few days away to look forward to. Thats good. At least this will give you a breather from contact with her... won't it?
I was never very good at easing people away gently. I always felt that I should give of myself all the time to the many needy people in my life. I now realise this was part of my own weakness. As I have been going through my recovery, I see that it is important that I put myself first. This seemed selfish at first, but I now know it is anything but. In fact it is an essential part of improving ones self esteem.
As I get better, I see more clearly that I owe it to myself not to allow people to drain me, ever. That does not mean that I cannot be a supportive friend to people in my life. Of course I can. But it's about knowing that healthy friendships are mutually considerate and caring. It's about being there for each other.
When I feel drained by someone I ask myself how this person is enriching my life. If they are not, I am not able to carry on a relationship with them. This might sound selfish to some, but its self preservation to me. I cannot be all things to all people.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Sending you my prayers.
My sponsor once told me that if my neighbor came over and knocked on my door then threw their garbage in my house and left -- shame on them. If the next day the neighbor comes and knocks on my door and I open it and they do the same thing again -- shame on me.
Being strong enough to do what is best for you can be hard -- we don't want to hurt anyone. But building resentments and feeling angry is taking away from your recovery --your focus has shifted from your A and is now on your friend -- only your focus needs to be on you.
Ask your HP to give you the strength to do what is best, to have the words and to provide an opportunity to talk with your friend.
I know it was a very hard concept for me - but in truth I learned that "NO" was a complete sentence.
I did not have to give an explanation. I did not HAVE to answer the phone. I did not HAVE to pay for someone else. I did not HAVE to give someone else a ride. I did not HAVE to do anything.
Just as some alcoholics/addicts are unable to maintain sobriety, some friends/family members are unable to maintain a healthy or sane way of living.
In order, to take care of myself, I have to limit my contact with the A's that are unable to maintain sobriety and the friends/family members that are unable to maintain that healthy/sane way of living. Sometimes it becomes a no contact.
Remember, it is ok to do what is right for YOU. You are deserving of peace, serenity and tranquility in your life.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita G.
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You sound like a compassionate person. I understand wanting to help others. It helps others and us, too, if we know where to draw the line between help and co-dependency.
I have a neighbor who I have to be careful with. Because I do volunteer work, I use that as an excuse to be busy. I don't feel guilty about doing that because I do like go places with her, but not constantly (and her property adjoins mine.) I see this as wisdom.
Even though I've been very co-dependent in the past, I now see the error of it. I don't want anyone to be dependent on me or get too close to me unless I really like them as a mutual friend. I no longer allow others to use me. I always drew the line at giving money unless it was a small loan and I thought they would pay me back.
I've learned not to enable others. Before Al-Anon, I didn't know how enabling can really hurt another person.
My suggestion is that you back off gently and lovingly from this person. My opinion is that it is cruel to enable or allow someone to invade our time, then abruptly change that. This person is really needy (I used to be somewhat that way, too) so I understand where she's coming from. Maybe you could invite her to Al-Anon (she sounds like an adult child) so she can learn to live and let live and to set boundaries on herself.
Another suggestion would be for you to suggest counseling for her. (If this offends her, what have you lost?) She'll find someone else to talk to! Many churches have groups that are free of charge or depending on her situation, she could get sliding-scale or free counseling from a Women's Empowerment Group.
I'm glad you posted because it reminds me of my own weakness in this area. I hope I've helped you as you take what might work for you and leave the rest.
It is very clear to me that this woman's negative influence is something you do not need. Tell her politely but firmly that you do not have the time of day for her constant phoning. Try not answering YOUR phone. There is no reason that I can see why you have to tolerate a situation that leaves you angry and resentful.
You recognize that rat poison is harmful, so you don't eat it. There's an analogy for you!!!
And do not allow yourself to feel guilty. Your post leads me to believe you already know this relationship does not serve your purpose in any way.
Good luck,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think I would be concerning myself in what I could do for myself to not allow another person to make me feel so anxiuos, you can't please all the people all the time and some people I'm afraid are alway's going to be miserable and disatisfied, I think in this case you have done enough to help someone that seems to struggle with helpng themselves, maybe she might even take a good look at herself and ask why people don't include her in their plan's, maybe she won't, you have your own choice here though, and it's completely up to you to distance yourself from someone that is dragging you down, try not to be so hard on yourself, your not the bad guy. regards
I agree with Rita G on the "no is a complete sentence" statement. I am that kind of person myself-who feels I have to give a reason behind my decisions when no one deserves a reason for my own personal actions... By the way...how did you "get rid" of her the first time? I don't know if it was a positive detachment then, but maybe just try tapering off the conversations to begin with. I think people like you (and me) are almost drawn to the curiosity of what-godforesaken-thing-they-could-have-to-complain-about-this-time and spend energy taking in all of their frustrations that inevitably you can't help them with anyway. I believe you should try to cut off your contact with her soon before she does ask you for help with something that will strain you further and maybe affect your relationship with your A (and yourself).
__________________
-A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when theyre not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when theyre not so bad
-Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
You know for me the needy stuff resonates from my childhood. When I encounter someone who is needy I have lots of bells ringing from my childhood.
I once worked with a woman who was super needy. She was also a tremendous gossip. I empathised with her a lot. I still do. At the same time I dont 'have it to support her in the way she needed to be supported. I think that was pretty hard for me to come to terms with. I really wanted to believe I was Ms. compassionate.
Right now personally I am deaing with an A who has had a complete physical and emotional breakdown. he ended up homeless. His mother who never was supportive anyways rejected him. His brother left him homeless. I've been really helping him a lot. I also set a great deal of limits with him. I say No a lot. I said no this weekend to going and being with him. I say no to a lot of his requests. I never said no before.
I think one issue I know I have is i want to have all this behnd me. One of the things I have learned with my housemates where I live is boundaries are ongoing. I have to really work hard on them every day. Every day I have to say to myself no I can't save the world.
I have a really difficult relationship with a friend in recovery for years. I ended up being backlashed really nastily by a woman she was involved with. I stopped speaking to that friend for more than a year. Then I reconnected. Her ultimatums about the A were quite devastating to me. I wouldn't think about giving her an ultimatum about her behavior. I spoke to her again recently and I don't see much change in her behavior or need to control. There was a time when I craved her company and craved that kind of connection now I am able to look at it and say do I want this and say no. I think that takes a long long time to get to. There are reasons peope push our buttons. Sometimes the buttons needs to be uncovered. Sometimes its a sign that our boundaries are too out there. There are lots and lots of reasons. I dont' want to encourage you to embrace this woman but you could look deeper at some of the issues that come up for you. Is that familiar?
When the A is pushing my boundaries I talk about it. I do better with him these days. I say no. I have limits. Rome is not built in a day. As you have social connections with this woman its not as if you can obliterate her out of the landscape. You can look at is as an opportunity to practice boundaries. Mary
Sounds like you know this friendship is toxic for you. If it were me I would try to start pulling away... stop taking the calls, get busy with other things and people and call others when I needed to talk. Easier said than done but in time you'll be glad you did and feel healthier and more positive! Good luck and have a great time at the beach!
I too understand how it feels. I come from a family of A's. My mother, 1 sister, and I were the only ones who really didn't drink out of 7. Ten years ago, my father quit drinking after divorcing my mother after she finally set boundaries. A few months before he died he finally apologized to my mother, thanked her for putting up with him for 35 years, etc. My sisters who do drink could not believe how she forgave him. They couldn't see how he changed for the better. Once my father quit drinking I too requested my house to be "dry." They don't visit and hardly ever call and I noticed it was mostly to complain about the behavior of another or talk about how bad life was while growing up (I don't have alot of their same memories). Very quickly I found I would get sucked into it. When my husband decided over 90 days ago to quit drinking and we started attending AA meetings I learned my sisters didn't make me get drawn into it but I did it myself. The only way I was able to handle it was to put them in a "glass heart" and when they step over the boundaries of tearing another apart I tell them I sorry but this is really not my problem. At first this was really hard because they are my sisters but the stress of it was almost intoxicating too. AA has helped me see only today and that their attitudes, behaviors, and their lack of respect for each other is not my problem. This has helped me spend more time with my husband and kids.
