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In a reflective mood today..... sitting here, some five years after ending my marriage to my A-wife after ten years..... She has recently received her 5-year sobriety cake, and life carries on.... We certainly aren't friendly, as our relationship is best described as "strained", as we both try our best to be civil for the sake of the kids....
When I am honest with myself (that apparently takes some prodding, lol), I think I have, and sometimes continue to use alcoholism as an excuse for me not getting on with my life. I continue to struggle with relationship.... continue to put up walls if people get "too close"..... continue to resist letting new friends into my life..... still don't own, even though I make a good salary.... put off things until tomorrow, cuz I'm not sure where I am going....
So when does the statute of limitations run out for me blaming alcoholism and/or my ex-wife for my lot in life? It has been five years now, and I can rationalize why I still do it, but it isn't helping ME get any better. OMG - please don't tell me that I am responsible for my own lot, happiness, responsibility, etc???? Say it ain't so!!!!
I love our program for self-reflection, and try hard not to let that escalate to self-mutilation..... In the immortal words of Joe Friday (of Dragnet fame) "just the facts ma'am".
So here are the facts, as best as I know them...
Alcoholism was likely the most significant factor in the breakdown and failure of my marriage, but was not the only factor
Once I walked away from the marriage, I lost the right to blame my ex for my plight "from that day forward"
I am responsible for me....if I am lonely, I can fix that. If I put up walls, it is up to ME to knock them down. If I am unhappy, it is up to ME to change that. (my sponsor used to say "live life, and allow happiness to find you).
It's getting tougher and tougher to explain, even to myself.... People ask me what is wrong, and I really don't know how to answer it.... With the exception of being a Dad (which I am damn good at!), I don't appear to accept or understand my other roles in this life.
I think I needed to post this today, as (hopefully) a line in the sand, where - starting today - I can begin to change the things I want/need to change in my life...... ODAT.
Thanks for listening Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welllll, alcoholism is a factor because it is a cunning and baffling disease and it is a family disease. So I have to take in consideration what an impact it has on our lives. But you are right, what are we waiting for? Isn't it amazing that life goes on with or without us.
Good post/share!! It reminds me of what and where I was in the past and sometimes visit. The questioning period (nicely called self reflection) I use to get mired down in this muck and stay in it for days. I had a question to follow the question before it and any answers I came up with I just quickly let go as being invalid....so do another question. And then there were the justifications as to how inadequate I was and why I was soooo responsible for being inadequate. Ugh and double UGH!! I cranked up my desire and motivation to be out of the depression of it all and started listening more. Suggestion....go see a counselor. I did...a damned good one. Suggestion....do an honest 4th step; one that has both the fearless and moral good of me as well as the bad. (good comes out bigger than bad). Get the answers out into the open, the honest answers cause they are lurking inside of us anyway and I was just not looking at them seriously ie. Bummer marriage and I chose to marry her while I knew she was a drunk. I thought I could save her and I tried...EVERYTHING!! to do that and failed because I was supposed to fail soooo I got the only consequence I could have had outside of a very major spiritual awakening for her from God and then she would fall deeply in love with God and I'd still be out in the rain. So then I get the major spiritual awakening and as a part of that I can admit I screwed up, should not do it ever again and am willing to let go of that fear, put a smile on my face and heart, and go out and hang around with others for a while till I tell myself to come into the house and be a great parent.
(by the way this is my experience I am talking about....similar maybe to yours?)
I put my life on hold because I have either over stocked the to do basket and am over whelmed or because I am depressed (anger turned inward) or because I am fearful of....(whatevers). I have the answers and with the answers I can change. With the program, meeting, others ESH, sponsor, literature and firstly my HP...I can change. You can change. Serenity first; Courage next and then Wisdom (does that sound backwards? It ain't)
As for my relationship with the exs'? Since I have come to accept them and myself also the relaltionships are fine. I would'nt ever marry them again yet there is nothing I find seriously objectionable about them today. They after all made the same mistake I did...with me! As for my relationship with myself? You know I'm a very good and better person to and with myself today than when I was practicing the disease. I love and care for myself as well and at times a bit better as I do others and I always do this under the love and guidance of my HP. I cannot have a relationship with myself or another unless first having a solid one with HP.
If you are a very good father then you are a very good man first...now you take the picture and expand on it then ask yourself if maybe you should kinda rub some of your good stuff up against a couple other people...one at a time.
The only excuse you can use is not that you can't (or anything else) but that you won't.
Thanks for being here for myself and others (darned relationships) and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Maybe you are just afraid that if it's not the Aism then it's got to be you, so you just won't even go there. The thing is it's probably not you, or atleast not all you.
Fear keeps us from looking, seeing, and moving forward. But eventually even the fear won't keep us in that really uncomfortable place. Being uncomfortable sucks, but it's actually a good place to be, it help us to move forward -- to change.
For me, I was defined by roles, that was who I was, a wife, a mother, etc....and all those had the word "good" before it, lol. I was introduced in Alanon to the idea that I had value beyond what I did -- in addition to the labels I wore. I walked around this program asking others what that meant to them. What the hell was I if you take all of what I do?...what was I if not those things? Well I wanted to scream when some of these roles were ripped away from me unwillingly, by an A who just wouldn't act right -- WHAT THE HAY ? But I was a good wife, I was a good...yada yada yada...
Guess what -- I really was...but I am more than what I do (or did) I had to find that I was of value, beyond the labels. I had value beyond what I could do for or to others...I was of value by my just being here -- a child of god/HP and I had purpose.
The spiritual part of this program allowed me to move forward. It allowed me to see that I am just by virtue of being here, special-- and having almost all of what I thought would be, and all of what I thought I was, removed from me, I got to find out just that. I have value, I am special, and I have with in me the ability to live this life -- even though it's nothing of what I thought it was going to be.
It's far from perfect -- but I didn't have perfect before Sometimes we just have to stretch, do something we don't want to -- be uncomfortable -- grow and live thru the growing pains.
It is good to questions why we are the way we are, look honestly at our part in things. Only don't stare so long that it keeps you from moving forward....
I remember sitting in the easy chair after work watching TV with my A a few weeks before my epiphany about the alcoholism (nothing I could say or do would change anything). I had another kind of epiphany -- "Here I am, just as I was the decades before I met him, not really creating a genuine life for myself. Just going along with what everyone expected of me, and if there were no expectations, I sat catatonic in front of a TV or asleep." It hit me that maybe I was using the alcoholism to continue the same behavior, to focus on that and him instead of my life. Funny, isn't that some of what Al-Anon is all about, creating your own life? I wonder how many of us escape into that excuse so we don't have to? I know not all by a long shot, but some of us may not mind too much that aspect of it.
Congrats on making the "line in the sand". Thank you for sharing this.I am still in the early stages of realization that alcoholism,in my family and husband,ruined my life.(so far) Now I must decide what I am going to do about it.(with God's help of course).I do not want to be where you are,so to speak,in five years. I do very much understand and accept that I played a part in all the misery.I accept that I was affected by the disease and did the best I could with what I had to deal with.Well,maybe not always.I could have stayed with Alanon 17 years ago and I bet my life would be much better now than it is.I really believe that because of the improvement I already see in just alittle over 1 year in the program.I could have gotten counseling.One thing I did do is avoid my family as much as I could.I believe that helped save my sanity however I also became enmeshed with my AH.That was NOT good. So,you are right.Self reflection is the way to go.I understand what you mean about self mutilation tho.I tend to be way too hard on myself.That is why I always ran from alanon in the past...just could not face myself (or I guess DEface my self any longer). My AH and I are "separated" tho still in the same house.The marriage is over.We get along ok except when his disease takes him over.(or mine,but his seems stronger and meaner). The main issue I am dealing with right now is my family.So far the only way I can get along with them is to totally avoid them.I cannot figure out if I have resentment ( about the affects of their disease on me,which I am holding against them) or if it's anger at them ( for the same reason)...or if I just do not want any alkies or codependent crazy/dry drunks in my life anymore.Or all of the above.I know they are not responsible for having the disease.But they could have gotten help for it or something instead of just going under and dragging everyone who loves them with them.(...sounds like a touch of anger there) I do not know how to deal with them, I never did,except to just bend and twist myself and be someone I am not.I can't do that anymore,I am not willing to do that.So I just avoid them.It's probably not the answer,but for me right now it's the only thing that works. You must see or interact with your ex because of your kids so you do not have that luxury.Hmmmm, I wonder if you could have cut all contact with her how that might have made a difference in you? Well, you'll never know the answer to that.I know I am always happier when I do not see or talk to my family.That may be because I just cannot maintain my serenity around them.They trigger me and I have not learned how to not let them trigger me yet. I believe my recovery,for now,hinges on distance from them because I cannot be triggered day in and day out.It's like trying to heal from the flu but living every day with people who have it and spread it back to you.I start to feel better...see some light..then wham they call and I am right back.I don't want to live like that.Maybe some day when I am stronger I will be able to but right now I don't see it.I married young to get away from them,I never fit in with them, and I don't care to ever reconcile with them.That's how I feel today.
Best wishes on your new quest.Sounds this is the beginning of a new direction for you.
Are you my brother??? Oh my, I can relate. I've blamed them all but with the help of this program, I am beginning to see me. It was so painful at first and scary as all to take responsibility. Fear is my villian - fear to commit to others or to buy a home and stablize (What if I need to move fast, i think?), fear to get too close and be intimate, (What if they really get to know me, will they still like or will they hurt me and take advantage of me if they really knew how afraid i am?)...fear, fear, fear. Healing and trusting is so much better and I'm getting stronger with every day. Big hug to you too....
When you are truly ready to move on to the next step of your life, you'll stop blaming the Aism. Perhaps it was just the day. I've been stuck in the mud for a bit. Maybe it's a reminder of what was, and what you don't want to go back to. You're a strong enough man to know when the time is right to take the next step. Listen to the inner voice. Or as my grandfarther once told me: "Be still and let your heart think. The answers line in there."
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh yes I can totally relate! I know I became the person I "was" because of alcoholism. Like you my AH has been gone now for over 4 years (he is not sober), and our divorce is final as of January. Growing up with an alcoholic father, as well, I have always found it hard to get "close" to someone, and trust played a huge factor. After meeting my husband to be and dating for years, then married, I gave in and trusted, and my fears melted away, and I thought the "isms" of alcoholism left me as well. But after 30 years of marriage the alcoholism reared its ugly head again but this time it was my husband. I began feeling like that little girl again, that turmoil, that fear etc. And it became true once again, and I blamed not only my fathers alcoholism on who I had become but now my husband's alcoholism compounded ontop. What Hell, what misery, what fear! Now I am alone, and I have a huge issue with who I am, where I want to go, and what I want to do? Alanon has helped and honestly I dont know if I could have made it to this point without my weekly meeting. Now there is a gentleman coming around, he is kind , very thoughtful and I have an extremely hard time, letting go of my past and accepting a compliment without feeling there is an alterior motive, or analyzing why he is saying such nice things? Why can I not accept it and just say thank you, and feel good about it? Why can I not go for the ride of life and go with the flow and truly enjoy, without feeling "the other shoe is going to drop'? Yes the "isms" of alcoholism are still very close to the surface, and the fear of getting to close to someone and getting hurt again, is there, right there! So I do blame....................
