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5 months ago I forced my AH out of the house because of his violent tendacies and the new crack habit he had begun when he drinks. He said it was his big wake up call and quit everything. I wanted to maintain our separation longer to see if he would stay sober but then he lost his new job and could no longer afford his motel room. We have 4 small children, whom he was watching during the day while I worked so I gave in and let him come back home. It has been an "ok" 4 months. This past weekend, the kids and I went to my sisters for 2 nights. AH was staying home to do some painting. I get a call that my husband had gotten drunk, then drove out to buy crack, THEN while drunk and high, he plowed through a street festival and injured at least 4 people (I am hearing minor injuries THANK GOD plus proprty damage). He smashed our 3 week old SUV into a trailer and had to be taken down by 5 officers and pepper sprayed. Eyewitnesses said he was laughing as he drove through the crowd. He is now in jail on a long list of charges. I am sickened by thought of all the lives he risked. I told him that I will not bail him out and he hung up on me. Oh well.
Now I am left to pick up the pieces and face whatever financial ramifications that may come my way. I will do what I can to limit my personal liability so that my kids and I can keep a roof over our heads. The immediate costs will surround retrieving my vehicle and getting myself some legal advice. I guess I'm supposed to hire a lawyer for him too though I'm struggling with this as I don't have the money and darn it, I didn't do this so why should I pay for his lawyer!
He's going to face a hard road once he does get out of jail - fines, poss lawsuits, no job, no place to live, no savings. Biblically speaking, I think I am wrong for not sticking with him through the "bad times" but I feel a need to separate myself from his madness and cut my losses.
I'm not blaming myself, I'm focused on the kids and less on him. I am trying to figure out other options for childcare and how to pay for that too. I have to sell our new SUV once it's repaired so that I can put the monthly payment money towards childcare now. (I still have a minivan for the kids.)
I really hope that my wonderful children are not damaged by all of this. They are currently very sad and have learned to worry now about everything they can think of -- what if something happens to mommy too, what if we all die while daddy is in jail, I wish I could see daddy's face one more time, who is going to watch us while mommy works, etc.
I have been applying a lot of what I learned from this forum. I believe things happen for a reason. I hope all affected parties make positive changes as result of this. Praying that God will guide us through this entire process.
I would appreciate hearing from anyone with similar experience. Has anyone lost their home over incidents like this?
I think the kindest thing you can do is to seperate yourself from the madness of this disease. I think you are absolutely right to do this. Self preservation is very important.
What's the point in protecting him from the impacts of his actions? We all have to be responsible for ourselves. We learn important lessons in life, and it is necessary for growth that we go through these lessons.
Clearly your children are very important and of course you want to protect them from this situation. Children are resilient and I have no doubt they know how dearly you love them, and want the best for them.
In answer to your question, yes I have experienced the madness of similar incidents. You are not alone.
Babysteps. You can get through this. I think you have a very sensible head on your shoulders, and if you can seperate reason from emotion for now, you will get through this.
You are in my prayers. Keep posting and letting us know how you're getting on.
Welcome, you've come to the right place. Something like this hasn't happened to me yet but it could at any minute and has come close many times so please know that we here understand pain over this disease and will be here for you. The only thing I can say is that you had/have no control over this situation. You are powerless over what happens to him in this -The priority now is you and your children. In times where I have felt powerless, surrendering to God (sometimes every 2 minutes) and saying "Let go and Let God" has calmed me and cleared my head so that I'm able to think more clearly. Another thing, I do work with families and resources - maybe your state will help with childcare payments for now. You can look up community resources in your local phonebook or United Way. There may be some quick financial help there. Your AH has to work out all of this on his own - it's his problem not yours. I think you are doing an amazing job - stay strong.
I have not been through what you are, but you are living what many of us fear happening to our A's. I am so dreadfully sorry you have to endure this. I am proud of you for setting your priorities, your children and yourself. A's often get themselves into messes, it is their responsibility to clean them up. Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. I know it sounds easier than it is in reality, but you have enough on your plate taking care of your children.
I have told my AH that if he gets arrested, I will not bail him out. He was angry, but I think he understood. We must lie in the bed of our own making.
Keep coming back, we are here for you whenever you need us.
(((NEW MARY))) I am so sorry to hear what has happened. I can only speak from my own experience. Although my ah didnt get in any accidents, miraculously, as he drove drunk all the time, I did start changing things into my name only as a precaution. I would certainly get advice from a lawyer on your rights about this situation. And if you are going to separate, get the minivan, house, or anything else you own as a couple into your name only. Bank accounts especially, as then he will have no access to the money. If you have a joint account withdrawl the money and start a new one in your name only. Even though my husband and I were separated he took money which was in our savings account for whatever reason, and I couldnt do anything about it. I learned the hardway and didnt listen to others when they warned me as I am warning you. Now is the time to protect yourself and your children, and your future. Good luck.
What a mess - but it's not your mess to del with. Good idea to get some legal advice, though. I understand your feelings about "sticking with him through the bad times", but that doesn't mean that you have to give up your money and your kids' security to hire a lawyer, bail him out, etc. Not in a cruel way - sometimes it's more cruel to bail him out of the mess he made. When you do that, you are taking away his right to control his own circumstances. I'm guilty of that, too, and Al-Anon is the place to come to try and get over that habit of "helping", that in the long run, turns out to not help him or you. Take care of yourself and those kids. It sounds like you are already doing that, and my thoughts are with you. Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I have a hard time imagining that a benevolent, loving God would expect anyone to suck it up and remain a part of this kind of insanity. But it would be a good time to assess your liability. In most states you share in it equally. I am afraid it IS your mess to deal with. See an attorney please. This is a world of trouble he has created. For the whole family.
Best wishes and good luck,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:52, 2007-07-23
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My heart is with you and your children. Taking care of yourself and your children with meetings. See an attorney and detach with love. One that drinks and uses drugs actively is a weapon and you must protect yourself. An attorney or legal services will give you legal direction that maybe be more than you know yourself.
Welcome Mary... sorry to hear about your troubles, but in the immortal words of a long time AA friend of mine when these things happen:
"it is sad.... NOT surprising, but sad"
You're getting tons of good responses here, and seem to have a good grasp of what is in front of you. I would encourage you to take one more step. Print out a copy of your post, and keep it somewhere safe, where you can refer to it again, as it will remind you of how you feel today. There will be a time, in the not too distant future, when he comes back again, and tries to convince you of the need for him to come home, this time it will be different, etc....
It's tough when our emotions are involved so deeply, and we think we are helping out our children.
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
NewMary, I am just now going through a similar ordeal with my A. Diva's right, no benevolent loving God would expect you to go down with the ship. And no regular ole human beings would blame you either.
This is where we look at the actions, not the words, promises, excuses ("I don't remember any of it"). What he did is the truth in this situation. He has a disease, but he crossed the line into mayhem. You have four young children to protect as well as yourself. I imagine you could lose your home if you sit back and do nothing. Get an attorney ASAP, and get some advice on how to protect yourself legally.
Whether he comes around or not is the least important part of this process. It can't be entered in until you and the kids are safe. Miracles happen, but they happen in God's time.
My A recently was accosted by police and tazed because he fought and tried to run away. He was so high on methamphetamine and alcohol they were afraid he'd die in jail, so they put him in the local ER. When a sheriff drove up to my house to notify me, I saw my opportunity to make the break. In the meantime his truck was driven off by the druggie friends and involved in an accident that injured a pregnant woman. I have a home and a 20 acre little farm in his name, too. Of the money I managed to "save" from his spending on drugs, I have put fully half of it into retainers for the lawyer.
I did not bail him out, nor have I spoken to him in several weeks except through my lawyer. I have a restraining order good for a year. He's been in a state of relapse for the last year, and has blown through the savings and the retirement money. Now he has hospital bills, fines, and I'm waiting for the lawsuit against him for the accident.
I did not fork over anything for my A's legal defense, in my opinion, he has no defense, he did this to himself and if he wants a lawyer he can get one himself. He's a pretty resourceful guy, and managed to retain a lawyer on the promise of giving the guy his gun collection if the sheriff's office ever releases them to him. If your A has no lawyer he will be assigned a public defender at the cost of the county or state, so he won't go without.
Alanon is all about beginning to repair YOUR life, your well being, and your future well being. Sometimes our A's are so sick they are incapable of not doing us severe harm. Even though we still love them, we can't let that happen.
I read your post and had to quit halfway through and just close my eyes . . . I did finish though :) , and you and your little ones are definitely in my prayers. I have taken action to know that I'm going to be OK with the help of the wonderful folks in Alanon. Perhaps most importantly, using the tools to cope with this mess I've learned in Alanon are giving me good, peaceful days in spite of the nightmare. It's not my nightmare, it's his, and I've backed out into my own life because it's all I have.
I really look forward to you coming back and posting here, whether it be for support or to vent your emotions, you will certainly be understood and celebrated. You are definitely not alone!
Welcome, glad you're here. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have three small children myself and that's pretty much all you can do is protect them at this time. The rest falls into place. It's VERY hard and if your anything like me your heart will hurt more for your children because they do not deserve this. I've put myself down more because I picked this man to be their father. Talk about mad at someone. You sound like you know what you have to do. I agree with you 100% on the things your going and not going to do. It's HIS problem There is NOTHING in the bible that says stick with your husband if he's a crack addict. I had a hard time with this too. I felt it was a "sickness" so I needed to stand by him. I had a priest tell me to "get the hell away from him". I also had my pastor now tell me "a divorce is not going against God in these circumstance" I believe it. This board has also helped me with the "religious" aspects of that one. They even posted scriptures for me. I'm sure they will for you too if you need them. Please keep coming back. I could not get out to go to face to face alanon meetings so I came here and also found personal counseling with a therapist. It helped alot. I was a lost mess! God love ya girl.
Wonderful wonderful thoughts from all of you!!!!!! I'm shaking my head in agreement while reading every message here. It is a calm in my storm to fine so many folks who can truly relate to the disease and help remind me that I AM SANE! Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Please keep us in your prayers.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ). Lots of good responses here.
Personally, I would not hire a lawyer. I always told my A that if something like this happened his legal troubles are his and his alone. Marriage vows have nothing to do with this. You have enough to deal with taking care of your kids and yourself. Your recovery is about you and for you. It's about taking back your life and living the life you and your children so richly deserve. You have a great start on that already.
One of the best books I read is Melody Beatties More on the Language of Letting Go. It showed me that it was okay to detach and take care of myself. Hope you're attending your local meetings or joining us here for them.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am sorry this is happening to you. I do agree with Gardengal about putting things in your name only. I remember when my sober AH was on a drinking binge while coming back from another state. There were numerous reports called in regarding his wreckless driving on the interstate, and he was finally pulled over, about 15 minutes from our house. He could have very well been where your husband is, having caused injury to other people. I thought how that could have turned into lawsuits against him, causing financial death to our family. By that, I mean losing our house, cars, whatever money we had in our account (which wasn't much). We eventually put the cars (they were not fancy, lol) and house in MY name only, "just in case".
I hate living by "just in case", but it helps ease my fears, somewhat, that, if this does happen again (and it very well could), I won't lose everything.
Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). Lots of good responses here.