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It was agreed the kids would sleep to their father (now, next door neighbour) for the weekend and I thought it was the right time to repaint their bedroom.
The kids helped me all day and after dinner time, they went to their father all happy of spending the night there and excited about their 'new' bedroom'.
After a few minutes I heard him having a go at the kids so I went to see what was going on. He obviously had been drinking more then its share. I had a look at him a few hours before and he was fine so I was in peace of mind and even thought that it was nice of him to spend some time with the kids.
Anyway, he had a go at them, telling them they were always in his legs (in terms a bit more explicit) and as they now had a 'new' bedroom,to go to sleep there (I actually finished to sistem their room now). I did not answer to him, took the kids with a smile, telling them we would throw the matress on the floor for the night, do some inside camping...whatever I thought to make them feeling better.
My problem has been with my oldest son (Leo - 7 yo) who did understood clearly what the father told him and he was pretty upset about it. It has been hard for me to explain the attitude of his father and make him understood that it was not his fault, that he didn't do anything wrong.
Leo starts to understand a lot now. I always invented excuse for his father (daddy is tired, daddy is working late, daddy is sick, daddy had a bad day...) but I cannot carry on like that, but I do not know what to tell Leo when something 'wrong' happen.
Eventualy I will have the same problem with my second kid who is at the moment 4 yo.
With my kids, I found that honesty, in a style that they could understand, was the best way. If they ask "Why did Daddy say that?" you can say "I don't know". Keep emphasizing to them that it is not their fault, but it is not your job to make sure your children have a good relationship with their father. That is HIS job. You don't have to make excuses for him. I tried very hard not to run their father down to them, but I also didn't try to hide what was happening. They had eyes, they could see, and if I pretended that everything was all right, well, then I was just another unrealible adult who couldn't be trusted.
Your part is to do your part. That is, those kids need one sane parent. If you are all tied up with the A's problems, focusing all of your energy on him, then you are not caring for the children the way they need to be cared for. Best to stay out of the relationship between the kids and he A, except of course when it comes to their safety.
I have a pediatric nurse in my ACA meeting. She teaches parenting classes. One of the things she says is that she always finds herself telling the people she teaches that at a certain point that they will have to tell their children what they are accountable for and what isn't their fault. she always says that that the parents she teaches have to understand taht children have "magical thinking" and are ego centric. She says in issues like this to keep it simple but the truth at the same time. "I don't know why daddy said that." "I don't understand when daddy acts this way." "It hurts my feelings when daddy acts this way, too." "I hate it when daddy drinks." And then, as an adult, set the boundries, hopefully out of earshot/eyesight of the kids "If you are going to drink, _______ will happen concerning the children." She said that way the kids are validated, your feelings are validated, the truth is acknowledged, and then, "the adults" can handle "the situation."
I am so sorry and I know EXACTLY what you feel like. My children are 7,6,6. The oldest is a boy and the twins are girls. I talked to them one at a time and explained the sickness of alcoholism. I told them that their father loves them very much but was sick and sometimes it makes him say things that are not true. When they get let down by their father I tell them that it is MY job to make sure that they are protected. I have to protect them even if it makes their hearts hurt. I usually make a fun night out of it too so they don't feel so let down. You have to be careful with that because you don't want to over compensate (sp). So when he lets them down do easy things like cuddle and watch movies, things like you did. I've seen the hurt in my children's faces so many times I lost count. I don't let them see me cry but I do often. He's the one person I never wanted to let them down and he does over and over and over. Your son that's seven is old enough to understand alcoholism. He should be aware of the signs and symptoms. I told my children that it was not their fault and it doesn't mean he loves them less because he can't quit. It's a very bad sickness. My children and I make it a point to pray for their daddy. They feel they are helping him by doing this. I NEVER say anything bad about their father, in fact...I'll say he called when he didn't to say he loves them. One of my boundaries that I will not budge on is hurting MY children, my ah knows he is not allowed to punish or degrade them at all. (He doesn't anyway) but he knows my rules. Our children are too little for things like that. When your ex did that to you kids he has to realize that he will forget it in five minutes and those children will remember it for the rest of their lives. He needs to be careful, drunk or not! Please keep coming here. You protected your children from him by taking them back home with you. Good girl!!! You sound like a wonderful mother. (I can hear your accent in the way you type) lol
I did try to talk to my ex today about yesterday night but he doesn't even remember, he's surely not the one with a problem and as always I am the one to invent stories. I didn't insist... just a loss of time. He didn't even understand why Leo refused to say hello to him this morning.
My kids are 24, 22, and 19 and I still don't know what to say. Their dad is sober for 20 years and moved out 2 years ago. He is laying on the couch right now. I really can't tell them why he moved out and why he is laying on the couch. Sometimes they say if I was different he wouldn't have left. Sometimes they make jokes. Sometimes they say what father. But they seem to accept that he is like this. It is his responsbility for the impact that he has made on their lives.
I told my son exactly what was happening, more and more as he became older. I did not pretend like I didn't know why he was the way he was. "He has a disease he cannot control right now. The disease makes him do things he would not normally do. It causes him to sometimes make poor choices and say things he shouldn't to say." I always focused on the disease, even before I came to Alanon, because that's what it is.
My son came to know when the disease was in full swing. He knew the words, the slur, the actions. I had to tell him to call me instead of get in the car with Dad. I had to not allow camping trips with Dad. I couldn't lie and keep my son safe too. He had to know the dangers, unfortunately. I can't say for sure if it saved his life, but I definately know by giving him the knowledge that was important it kept him out of harms way. Not only physically, but mentally.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are right Christy. I have been hidding his problem from my and his family until the separation. Only then did I explain everyone what was really going on and finally gave the real reason for all the things that happened in our life and for which I always found an excuse. For their own sake, it is time that my kids learn about it. Thank you.
Its tough to try to explain to your children about alcohol. I found that the simplest answer to that question for my kids was that daddy is sick (which he was). I told them he has a disease and explained the best I could what alcoholism meant. I also told them that it was up to their father to get help and explained to them that the best we could do for him was to live our life and be happy. It worked for them and they actually were very sympathetic to him. They would occasionaly ask him if he was going to get help and stop and I know it had an impact on my husband. They followed my lead of not nagging him about it and for today I can say that they dont have to worry about daddys disease. Good luck to you
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
All our kids want to hear is the truth and they deserve that , they don't need to know the nitty gritty stuff but they do need to know that when he drinks to much it's the alcohol talking . Al-Anon prints a book for pre teens it's called Whats Drunk Mama ? great book . explains the disease reasures them it's not thier fault . hope u can find it . good luck Louise
