The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is very functional. Doesn't miss work, pays the bills, works in the yard (alot so he's not drinking directly in front of me), only drinks beer, doesn't pass out, drunk drive, hit or cheat. These are not my excuses for him. These are his reasons for why he does not have a problem. My problem is being shut out emotionally and next to no love life. At this point I don't want to separate. I'm scared I'm going to jump on the first man to pay attention to me. Though that's not likely to happen, I'm either at work or home. I'm so lonely. How do you married folk cope? Is it just the decision to stay married even though it sucks?
I am still married after 37 years of heartace. I think it was the family values and my trust in God that has kept me here, knowing that someday things will get better. He is a good man and has been a very good provider but this disease has a hold on him big time. He has retired early and has now gotten into gambling. My work and friends keep me sane. My son and his wife were in this past weekend and he mentioned to me that it was time that I get happy and its not going to happen as long as I stay together with my A. I have been in touch with a lawer and have been crossing my T's and dotting my I's before I tell my A I want out. I dont' wish him any harm but I can't take it anymore, as you don't know what the next day will bring. Lets sell the house, split the assets and go our merry way. I go to Alaon when I can but with work sometimes its tough.
Weggie thank you for your take on things. I just cry when someone answers one of my posts because living with this hurts so much and I am so happy to have someone to talk to about it. I also don't want to break up my family. I just pray to God that one day he will touch my husband. I hope I am still with him when that happens.
Keep praying but if your A doesn't want help you need to take care of yourself. I think with the last few episodes that I have forgotten about God and to give it to him. You need to get your self happy, do what you like to do, see whoever will lift you up, keep reading your Al-alon material and let go every day if not every hour.
P.S. Don;t worry about the family. I have learned that staying together for them doesn't work. In the long run the family knows whats going on and they only what you to be happy.
Ned, are you my twin, I seem to have lots of them here.
My A is very functional, also. Always works, pays his bills. But, he is very angry with me a lot.......looks for excuses to fight.
Yeah, the NO LOVE LIFE is killing me.....I am so lonely. I may be getting older, but I am not dead, and I am 3 years older than he is! Sure do miss the loving he used to give to me....
All I know is one day at a time. So far, it works for me....it is all I can handle. I don't want anyone but my husband..... Love in Recovery, Becky1
I legally separated last december after 10 years of wedding (13 together). It took me 2 years of thinking about it before asking for it and we spent the last year sleeping in different bedrooms.
I just could not stand it anymore...nights waiting for him to get home, phone calls in middle of the night from the police/hospital, his ever-ending promises to stop drinking (max time 3 month), the dinner/parties ruined to the point I was refusing any invite, his general moodiness/badtemper/insulting, etc, etc... I am sure you know what I am talking about (-:
Fisically, it got to the point that just seeing him made me want to throw up.
I thought it was better asking for the separation before hating him completely.
I have 2 kids and actually I am sorting out my life to work (as a good italian husband, he refused me to work once I had the first kid) and get back into life. It is hard and I realise that I have a lot to learn. Even simple thing like having a coffee at the bar with a friend was strange for me at the beginning but the most important thing is that I am free and in peace (nearly as my ex-husband moved to the house next door). For the rest, I give it time and think about myself and my kids.
EDIT reguarding this sentence 'I'm scared I'm going to jump on the first man to pay attention to me'. This is one thing I did not think about before hand. I fell head over heel for a good friend of mine who 'supported me' for the last 3 years of my wedding (and still does know). The feeling is divided but I discovered that he is himself an alcoholic sober of 2 years. We are still seing each other but we did take a good look at our relationship a few weeks ago to understand better why it all happen. I needed someone to who I could talk to (he always understood me perfectly - I do know now why) and himself with his new sobriety, he found himself lonely (no more drinking buddies). Here again, we decided to give ourself time and take it easy. We need both to learn to live for ourselves first before thinking about anyone else. It is a selfish thought but our feeling are true for each other and we will be patient.
I'm going to go into some detail here, so you can see how it was for us.
My husband had always been a heavy drinker, and with what I now know about the disease I can see that there was a problem right from the start - mostly I veered between thinking it was me, athat I was just not a good enough wife, and thinking that he was a jerk and too demanding. The drinking itself was not the issue for many years - it was the picking fights, being irritable, etc. After we were together about 15 years, things got a lot worse. He was drinking to blackout four or five nights a week, coming home and being verbally abusive, and edging towards physical abuse. I was faced with the stark choice that I had to either leave him or make some serious changes. Many things happened over the course of a month or so, (I won't go into them, I've told the whole story several times on here) but basically what happened was I discovered some of the main alanon principles on my own, and started applying them. (there was also a small miracle, and some real change on his part - he did not stop drinking or drugging, though) I stopped worrying about where he was or what he was doing, I stopped relying on him to make me happy, I stopped putting my life on hold while waiting for him to join in. The main criteria for whether we stayed married was how he treated me while he was home. I decided I would not stand for any more abuse, but would not demand anything from him but basic respect and affection. I stopped badgering him to be and do what I wanted, and went out and got some of what I needed from life in other places. Found some friends, made a life for myself. Always had a plan B, so I was not relying on him to show up, or be part of things. Since he had always been financially responsible, and had always been a good dad (within his limits - he was not often home, but when he was he was positive and good with the kids) we didn't have that as a problem. If I was lonely, I made some friends, if I was bored, I found something to do. I made sure my needs were met - one way or another. Never stopped offering to include him in my life, but stopped being hurt and disappointed when he didn't want to. We went on this way for about three years. It was not perfect, but it was not bad. We had stopped fighting, and when that was gone, it was possible for us to have some intimacy again - maybe not newlywed style, but enough to get on with. Me being happier eased his guilt a bit, I think, and that made him more open and less demon-haunted. The kids and I were doing fine. My husband was not doing so fine, was in fact slipping pretty far down into serious drug addiction. Eventually, he faced the choice of going into rehab or losing his job. He took the rehab and sobered up. Sobriety brought new problems, but by that time I had this program, and he had his, and we were able to get through them. When he became terminally ill, a lot of people thought he would go back out, but he didn't, he died sober.
So, for me, it was accepting what he could bring into my life, rather than moaning about what he didn't, that made all the difference. Probably the fact that I am naturally a loner, do fine on my own, don't really need a whole lot from other people, was part of this. Even when we were first married, I didn't want or need to spend a whole lot of time with him. Things got better once I realized that it was not his job to make me happy - that if I wanted happiness, it was up to me to find it in the life I had. They say the secret to happiness is 'wanting what you've got' and I have to say I really believe that.
Over my time with alanon, I have seen that using the tools will make it possbile to live reasonably happily with an active A, if there are a few basic things in place. One is financial stability. Another is no abuse. If people are constantly worried about where the next meal will come from, or if they are living with abuse, then no amount of 'detach with love' or 'accept the things I cannot change' or 'let it begin with me' will help much, in the long run. If those problems are not there, however, it is truely amazing what changes can come by just letting go.
When the time came for me to learn to love myself and then to be alone and not feel lonely, things changed tremendously. I was also hooked on attention getting and newly aware that I could and would fall to come-ons and that is what I didn't want, another relationship with the old me. I learned to have a new relaltionship with the new me and I am free of the fear of being alone. (course it doesn't hurt to have two active pups around either.)
I've been married 22 years day before yesterday and last night had a huge fight. I asked him if he was okay to drive (we were going to the movies with our son) and he told me to shut up. He was off the weekend and I knew he had been drinking so I refused to go unless he let me drive. He wouldn't so it turned into a huge fight and my son starting getting hysterical over our fighting. Anyway, he always tells me I have every reason to leave him like he's giving me an out. Financially I can't leave and I still love him. I have chosen to stay. I have thought about leaving but I know his disease is the one talking right now and not the man I know that is inside there somewhere. I can't give up hope. This morning he apologized and started crying. I told him I still love him and I can still see the old "him" come out. I asked him to get help. He knows he has to do something but I think he's terrified. I have a hard time lately trying to detach with love. Especially when he's verbally abusive. He's never been violent, he is a good provider, he goes to work and has a good work ethic. Lately, he's started to be a lot more critical of our 13 year old son. It's gotten to the point where his behavior is just really erratic and almost manic. I keep urging him to get help. I know he can do it. I just don't understand why someone who is hurting so badly won't help themselves. He's admitted it is consuming him and I guess that's good. I am going to try and get to a face to face meeting this week. I need it.
I've been married for seven years. Together eight. The first five months was great (yes you read that right) The drinking got worse when I tried to stop it. When he physically hit me I threw him out and have been alone ever since with the occasional let back in for a few months. I have learned through time to take care of myself and my kids and let him go. I am VERY careful when a different man pays attention to me because of my children. I don't want strangers near them. So I don't date. If a good man came along I could not promise what would happen. I would probably sign the papers that are waiting and go for it. I know I deserve better. I could leave this marriage knowing that I did everything I could to make it work. I am emotionally detached. When we are together physically it's strictly just for pleasure (too much info, sorry) I am not attracted to him anymore. So I understand where you are coming from. I do not feel married. I live and breath as a single parent and he pays the bills like child support. Pretty sad. I wouldn't recommend it. :(
my situation is different as my A husband was dysfunctional and left me with all the adult responsibility in our marriage, so because it sucked, and I was getting nothing good from it - I chose not to stay married - and have to say for me it was the best decision i ever made cos he is now 9 months sober, and we are attending counselling to try and rebuild our relationship, but everyone is an individual and only you know what decision is right for you. I knew staying in that relationship as it was was dragging me down and that I deserved not to live that way.
Too good to leave, too bad to stay. That's where I am after 34 years. He left but he won't file the divorce papers. Am I suppose too? He has been a good provider, great father when he is present, help around the house, but a dry drunk most of the time. He quit talking to me, quit hugging me, quit being intimate, and then left. Told the boys that it was because of me. In Alanon they say when you get busy you get better. I stay busy. I work. I call friends. Ask for hugs. Ask for help. Try not to lay too much on my adult children. Challenge myself. And then I sink and cry and forgive myself. But what I am learning ever so slowly is to trust my HP's plan for me. I know that I am not happy. I miss my AHsober and I know it is not his job to make me happy. So I guess we grieve for what is gone and what we have lost. It is a great comfort to know that others have gone thru what we have gone thru.
I am still married, but I haven't been married long. We have known each other for 20+ years. I was lucky, he was a late blooming alcoholic. I do know that I could not live with an active A. I am also lucky because he has managed to get sober and stay that way for over a year now. Honestly, I am not sure what I would do should he relapse again for a long period of time. I do know that I have the strength thanks to my program, to make the decision that is in the best interest of me.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i'm still in my relationship even tho he is actively drinking. he provides financially... owns his own business and works 7 days a week. he showers me with trips at least 3 times a year. a great guy. my family adore him and tell me how lucky i am to have him in my life. (they don't know about the drinking as he only drinks infront of me.) emotionally he is not there. rarely will he "touch" me... even for a hug. sex isn't that great either. but he is a good friend (we do alot of things together and have a blast!), good provider, never abusive and will do anything in the world for me. i try hard to look his positive side (at least for today) and let my HP do the rest. today i will try to remember that my HP knows what i need. life is never perfect and could be much worse.
(((Nedsaid))) Deciding to stay married is a difficult decision to make under normal circumstances. However, when alcohol is involved it s far more difficult to decide anything. It is however, something only you can decide. Something that helped me when I contemplated divorcing my husband many times was something my sponsor said repeatedly to me. Can you accept him as he is - with all his good and bad? If not the answer is simple, if yes then the answer is also simple. I made the choice to stay with my husband during his active disease. It was hell for a long time, but I kept coming back to meetings, sharing and listening and I learned that his disease had nothing to do with me. I was a victim of it as long as I chose to stay the victim. When I stopped being the victim and took my life back for me things changed. This coming Sat. I will see my husband receive his one year coin and hear him speak for the first time. It hasnt been an easy year even with sobriety. Despite this years challenges we have both grown. We dealt with our rage towards each other and are finding common ground again. Today I can say without a doubt that I love my husband and am happy that I took the time to learn about the disease before I made any decisions. I hope you can find the path that is right for you.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Something in your post caught my attention - I speak from my perspective and only mine - I can relate where you said
I'm scared I'm going to jump on the first man to pay attention to me.
For many years, I had similar thoughts - then I realized that would not be the answer for me - because the man I wanted to pay attention to me was the man that my AH is when he is walking that true path of recovery. Anyone else would be second best and that would only make me filled with more sadness.
So I try to take care of myself, attend f2f meetings, work my program and follow the guidance of my HP. And most of all - take life One Day at a Time.
Just my e,s, and h, Rita G.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm no longer married.... we were married for ten years, and split up less than a year after she found sobriety... Most of the married years were quite bad, and I suppose there was just too much damage done during those years.... She never cheated on me, other than with "Mr. Smirnoff"..... I stayed for awhile afterwards, for the proverbial "sake of the children", but there was tons of animosity and frustration with each other, even with her sobriety.... We share the kids half time now, and it seems to work.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I may be dirt poor, but I'm FREE!!! My days of waiting for the other shoe to drop, tiptoeing around an ahole and having someone else be my whole life are OVER! I have so many memories but they are becoming more and someone commented earlier that as the distance grows it's amazing how what you see as normal and abnormal totally change! Gosh, I think I'm finally healthy!
