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My AH (we are seperated and I'm starting on divorce papers) was sober for 20 years but started drinking again 2 years ago. I found signs that he was cheating , I know he lied to me and our boys told me that he had to leave for the sake of our family . I found out last week that he has girlfriend, which was so hard. My biggest fear has been that he will get sober with the next wife. I'm wondering if that is how other feel and perhaps why I stayed for 2 years. He never sees our youngest 15 year old son so I invited him over for dinner last night so he would spend some time with him. He was charming, sweet and the man I loved but then today he came over to our home while I was gone to help with yard work. When I got home he had been drinking, sluring his words etc. All the time he was supposed to be spending time with our son. (who thought dad was drinking the whole time he was in the yard because he kept going to his truck). I believe my higher power showed me that today because I was questioning my decision to divorce. If he does get sober with the next wife then that is what is meant to be. He tells me he loves me but sleeps with other women, he tells me he doesn't want a divorce but won't go into treatment. God grant me the serenity to change the things that I can.....and this I can't. Thank you for listening..you are all such a blessing to me every day.
Just to let you know you are not alone. I had a very similiar experience in the last few years of my 30+ year marriage. He was seeing other women, (those who enabled his alcoholism). He did say he loved me and always will, however he said he couldnt live with me. So in a nutshell, he still drinks, we are divorced now, and he lives with a woman who drinks with him. I guess I was the "nag" the b***** because I would not enable him with his disease , I fought it tooth and nail , so much so, I became a shell of a woman. I often think if he was to get sober, now, and he is gone from my life, I would be shattered as that is what I wanted for so long. Lies, cheating, manipulating, and being just plain selfish not thinking of anyone else is part of the disease, period. It is not you he is doing this to, the disease makes him think in "strange' ways and the drink draws him, he is sick. Keep coming back it helps YOU, in dealing with this in trying times,,,it helped me. Taking care of you and your children is first and foremost, and God knows your children need one sane parent.
If I didn't know what a "good thing" my A had with me, it would be so hard to think of my A doing well or getting sober in some other woman's arms. I'm not perfect of course, but I guess I'm not chopped liver either.
And you are the mother of his sons. There's no other person who could or SHOULD be more important to him than you, and like gardengal says, he is very sick, his philandering is part of his disease. He hooks up with another woman while drinking after a 20 year abstinence. You gotta feel sorry for her. This isn't starting out so hot!!!
I'm so sorry this is happening, it must be so confusing to the boys, sounds like they have never known their dad as a drunk??? Oh boy. That is so tough.
I can understand the temptation to think perhaps it was something about you that led him to relapse, or to relapse, leave his family, and go get sober with someone else who then gets all the goodies. It's human nature to wonder what we've done to cause the bad stuff. But your husband is and always will be an alcoholic. They relapse because their disease is always waiting in the wings. That first drink he took two years ago was not forced down his throat. He chose this path rather than to continue his recovery. Even if you were SUCH an awful wife that you tied him down, plugged his nose and poured the drink in, he still could spit it out and run away!!
Let your thoughts go to the logical conclusion, and he's still an alcoholic and you didn't cause it, can't cure it or control it. Never could, never will.
I've experienced a tiny bit of what you have, I hear unsolicited tidbits about my A (I live in a small rural town), that he is working every day very hard, he got his truck back out of impound, he looks good . . . yada yada. Oh yes, I felt the tug. NOW he's going to get his crap together???? Why NOW??? Why didn't he do it WITH ME while he still could??? What does this MEAN???
Well, my little inner healthy voice says "Nothing." It means nothing -- to me. It's not about me. Sober or high as a kite, my A is an A period, and this is what they do. Thank God for Alanon which is all about me, no matter what the alcoholics and addicts are doing with their lives.
I saw my ex chatting away on his phone, smiling and laughing. Then I saw his skank walking down the street. I had a slight nervous breakdown. Why do they have to live here in my town, where I own my home, my kids go to school, my family founded this village. Used to be that as soon as I turned onto main st. I felt such joy just to live here. I live it where I love it. Now I do whatever I can to stay in my home or leave fast.my ex is supposedly sober. A sober who steal credit cards and engagment rings and does not pay support, refuses to have an on the books job so that it looks like he makes no money. That is not really sober. I keep praying Lord plese let them leave my town, please let them get whats comming to them both. Oh God PLease. But mostly I pray for myself, for God to hold me, I need HP to help me hang on to my serenity so that I can make better decisions. Good luck...I always thought the drug abuse and physical abuse was tolerable.It was the cheating I just couldn't get. Living well is the best revenge. In the process we start living and that is key!
A very wise person once told me to "watch the actions" because we tend to listen with our hearts. If we can ignore what is coming out of their mouths (which is usually manipulative) we can see what's really going on with our eyes wide open
Christy.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow, you all are amazing, thank you. I found out last night that since he moved out 4 months ago there have been several woman...1 he met in AA and another in a liquor store. Our boys are 19 (away at college) and 15. Yes they didn't grow up with his drinking but they did grow up with his distance, grumpiness, self centered behavior and an enabling mom that just wanted them to have a "white picket fence" childhood. Thankfully they are amazing young men and I'm so blessed to have them. Lets all remember that in battling this disease we are amazing people with many gifts to offer in healthy relationships. It's something we all deserve.
Wow, I have the exact same fear. All I want is my best friend back. We are not separated or divorced yet but I fear that if it comes to that he will give the best of himself to someone else. I just want it all for me.
When my wife got into the program, got sober, and then left me anyway I felt the same way. She started "seeing" someone 12 yrs younger than her that she met in AA and eventually moved 6 hours away to be with him.
I went through those, "oh sure, after I put up with you through all your drunken bullshit, Now that your sober you leave me?????" stuff too.
Alanon taught me it wasnt about me. It was all about her. I have come to a place in my recovery now where I accept the marriage was not meant to be. We were together 12 years and while I wish I could have learned the lessons I was supposed to quicker than that, I am grateful for what it was, part of the process I had to go through to get to be who I am today!
Somebody I like pretty damn well. Somebody I respect and love. Somebody that I would like to be friends with.
She is doing her thing now, whatever that is, and I am not a part of it. That is just the way it is. I still miss her somedays, when something happens that reminds me of something good, but I try to just be grateful for that good memory, and go on.
Wow, this is a powerful post! Nice to see I am not alone. I find my feelings confusing in that while I want nothing more than for my AH to be healthy (he's been sober almost 6 mos and seperated for almost 3 mos) it is a bit bittersweet to see him living the life I spent years praying for. I had this overworked, tired, grumpy, chronically sick, limping (back issues), overweight and puffy man. I, too, worked hard on the "white picket" image, and I now I can confidently say that I have been humbled, and in more ways than one! He is now down 50 lbs (thinner than he's ever been and looks awesome), cares about what he puts in his body, sleeps, and acts relatively happy and sane. He was addicted to alcohol, drugs and work, and there were other women too. And yes, the cheating was by far the worst addiction to deal with. While I am pretty sure the other woman is gone (I don't want to ask...) and it actually looks like we may be on a path for reconciliation, I must say that it is stories like yours (relapse after 20 yrs) that make me pause and just want to run! Above all, I have fears that I can never change enough for us to have a healthy relationship. Thanks for the reminder that we all deserve more.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Aren't they something else those A's? Sober, not sober, other addictions including the women. We go through the worst and someone else gets the rewards. It is so nice to know that we are not alone. Sharng the sorrow but also the growth. My AHsober moved out 2 years ago. He says he wants a divorce but is waiting for me to be ready. LOL. He has new friends, new place, but still works for the same company that I do. He never hears all the comments about us. Wish it were a bigger company to get lost in.
I think that fear - that he might get "sober with his next wife", is a common one, but also one that is just that - fear.
The reality is, he has a LONG ways to go, in order to have peace, happiness, etc, that goes way beyond "just" the drinking..... Whether that is with you, or with somebody else, it is a long road to haul. I got caught in that emotional trap for year, believinig that if/when my A-wife got sober everything would be rosy, but the truth was FAR from that scenario.
Take care of you..... He'll either drink (or fool around, or get sober, or whatever) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
