The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I come here I know that you will understand. As an ACA I always felt different, never felt a part of my family, and never felt loved particularly by my mother.
This summer has been spent going thru surgery with my 84 year old mother. She lives two hours away. So I have been going back and forth. I went thru the actual surgery with her and have coordinated my sibs in taking turns caring for her. I had to call 911 and go to the emergency room with her and then to ICU. Looks like she is on to a good recovery. So my sister came for a week and said that she was getting complaints from all sides and that we need to have a family meeting to air it out. This sister we all say is the favorite and can do no wrong along with the baby brother who can do no wrong (we are all over 40 years old).
So my sister says this meeting is about all these complaints coming from all of us and mom too. She says that this meeting is about Nancy (me) and her ongoing conflict with mom and about Nancy (me) and her ongoing conflict with her other sister. Of course, they let me have it and said it is you, you, you. My mom let me have it - even going back to when I was a baby (collicky). My sister said that mom said that I was mentally ill. She complained that I slammed the cupboard door and what was wrong with me. The night before the fav sister had told my mom to shut up (mom is on alot of meds and doesn't feel well) and nothing happened. I pointed out the difference in what my mother would tolerate with others. My older brother said and we are tired of you (Nancy) bashing your husband - why don't you just divorce him? And then my younger bro said why don't you ask your husband to help with mom? My other sister said that mom is just great and if she wants something just give it to her; afterall she is just a great mother.
Well, Alanon and my HP helped me rise to the occasion and say I am not going to be the scapegoat for this family. I said that I was coordinating the efforts to care for mom because they knew I had the most flexible schedule. I said that I did a good job and that by August 1 I would be thru because I had to go back to work. I said take over if you want to but I am not going to be your scapegoat. I said that my life had been tough because of my AHsober moving out and wanting a divorce (let me tell you they gave my no sympathy at all). And I said this needs to be balanced and that you need to say your own truth. So everyone shared what they were going thru personally and what other conflicts were going on with other sibs and mom. Mom said that she appreciated everyone's help. She never took responsibility for doing anything wrong though. And I know that she never will. We did agree that the goal was to help mom get back to an independent life. We all did agree that we should say things to the person and not behind their backs.
We are dysfunctional. We grew up in an alcoholic home. We having our saving graces. But it is clear why I have always felt different because I am. So I still look to my HP for guidance, serenity and solace. Sometimes your family of origin is not a safe place to be.
I know this is long but it helps me put it in perspective. I called my sponsor. She said that they don't like that you are getting better. Thanks for listening.
LOL I have to laugh at their insane behavior. They will use any means necessary to keep you in your old "role". Things seem to always get worse before they get better, so be aware of stunts they will no doubt pull from their hats. Sounds like you are traveling down a happier, healthier road with your actions. Kudos to you! You're doing an awesome job! Work it girl! You're worth it!!!!
Wow, Nancy, that was impressive! It would be so hard not to just 'fold over' with a room full of people trying to dump their pain and frustration on to you.
Instead you refused, and walked away! Without hoping you'd change anyone's mind, you just did it for yourself. That is huge. And yeah, I'll BET they don't appreciate that you are no longer their punching bag . . .
I grew up in a highly enmeshed alcoholic family, and I also agree they are sometimes not the place to be.
Yeah, sometimes they'll 'up the ante' after a spectacular show of health like you made. No biggie, just stay aware of the possibilities. I'm sure they are thinking, "Now she doesn't really think she can just REFUSE to accept our bad behavior . . . next time I'll . . . "
Thanks for sharing your success story, and keep it coming!
(((Nancy))) Sending you a BIG hug. You did amazing...I am so impressed! Give yourself credit for that and keep working your program. I too understand how it feels to not be safe around your family of origin. It is a sad truth for many of us. I am glad you have people in recovery to turn to.
