The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am, I really am. It's funny, I was sharing with my daugter today how her father once was telling a friend of his what kind of car I needed, and that I didn't need a stick/straight drive ...so what did I do? I went out and bought a car I couldn't even drive - a stick. God knows I'm hard headed. That was many years ago -- and even with Alanon I still do stupid stuff just because I can.
Tonight my ah's brother called -- he was plastered. He invited the kids and I out to his house for dinner tomorrow. I was handling this really well until he told me he called my A first (we are separated) to see if it was okay. Now here comes my attitude. I just about lost it. He checked with my A -- I wanted to know if he got his permission, If I was allowed. Now my poor drunken brother- in -law was stumbling all over himself -- geeze, someone shoot me. Finally I said are you asking us over, he said yes, I said what time and he said 3pm. and I said we'll be there and hung up.
Okay this is like buying a car you can't drive....it's useless. I have nothing in common with my BIL and his wife. I have out of pure stuborness set myself up for a really uncomfortable Saturday, if not an all out disaster. Lately my life has been so out of control. This really doesn't help. *shake my head* and I did this to myself.
I was talking to my brother the other night, he said he looked forward to this year being over -- it's how I feel too. It's awful to wake up and wish time away. We've lost so many people we've loved in the last 6 months. Life just seems so depressing.
Many of you know my Mom passed away the end of January, I finally went to visit her grave last week -- It took me forever to go there but she always said that that's not where she'd be and ya know I as I stood there, I knew she was right. I'm glad I went, but that's not where she is. I wish there was some magic date that you just feel better after losing someone you love.
In January, my sponsors husband was diagnosed stage 4 lung cancer. Two weeks ago it spread to his brain. He came home today under hospice care. I love them, they have watched my kids, shown me what a healthy relationship really is and have loved me exactly the way I am. It just seems so unfair -- my sponsor says it has nothing to do with being fair -- it's life on life's terms. (on a side note, for all those who think they have to find a sponsor who is in the same situation as they are to be a good match, I am married to an A and my sponsor has an adult child who is an A and she is awsome)
I want to scream. I want to control everything because it is so evident that I can't control a damn thing in this life. My kids went to camp the other week. It about drove me nuts -- I'm not usually like that. I'm the kind of mom who loves that her kids are out of the house for a week. But since one of my best friends lost her son in March I'm like a mother hen. Like if I can keep my kids with in my reach I can prevent anything from happening to them. I know that's insane....it's fear.
July 29th is the day my father had his heart attack last year and mom came to live with me. It's also the day my AH left us three yrs ago. Every year I keep thinking it can't get any worse than this but then it does -- it's like I wish for the time that I use to think it was so bad cause it's worse now. I'm beginning to hate July. I keep telling myself that life is going to turn around that things will get better -- but when. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful, there are many blessings in my life, only the sadness weighs everything down.
My A is in his own little crazy world -- I'll give you a small example. I've saved for a chest freezer for over a year and I just got it (one of my things to be grateful for) then one week later guess what my A buys? A chest freezer, hmmm. Now I know I shouldn't even be thinking why a single 40 yr old man would want a chest freezer -- my sponsor said maybe he plans on putting his wife in there LOL -- okay now I know that's not even funny -- but in a sick way ya just got to laugh. hehehe.
Sometimes I just want to step out of this life, put it all on hold for a while and catch a breather. Thanks for letting me vent ... think I would have popped if I didn't let some of this out.
Anytime you're ready go ahead and let it all go and step out. Your HP will take care of all of it while you're getting a breath of fresh air and smelling the flowers and wading in the stream and deciphering the shape of clouds while letting the breeze tickle your brow. Anytime you're ready. You don't need anybody's permission to do it.
By the way do we ever really control anything or does many things control us because we let it?
Don't take that question with you when you step out! Just leave with an open mind and child like attitude.
Yep I know that feeling of wanting a year to be over. In fact I've had more than a few years like that. It just becomes so overwhelming that you can't stand it. As for visiting your Mom, it will be 8 years tomorrow that I lost my Dad, and I still haven't been to his grave. He was buried in a place that he didn't want because of the stepmom. I don't visit my Mom's grave that often either. They know that I love them. I know that they are always with me. The same goes for your Mom. In fact, I'm thinking my Mom and your Mom are comparing notes on their daughters (please Mom don't tell Luna about the time I ran away from ballet class!). That clingingness (sp?) you feel your kids is a natural part of what you are going through. I did the same thing with the people I love when I lost so many people in a year I lost count. But eventually you loosen the grip as the fear subsides. You begin to live again.
As for not wanting to go to your BIL. I've often put myself in uncomfortable situations. There's something about me being a people pleaser I guess. However, rather than hurting his feelings this time, perhaps you are feeling a bit under the weather and need to rest. You are, emotionally. (I can't tell if you are looking pale from here!) Next time this happens, just plan on being busy. If he tells you he checked w/the A, gently remind him that he doesn't live with you anymore. How does he know what you have got planned?
Being hardheaded is not necessarily a bad thing. I'm the same way, although I call myself tenacious. (Okay I'm just plain stubborn!) But it has served me well in many instances. It certainly has helped me in my recovery. So many times I have slipped and that desire not to let the disease win has only been aided by my stubborness. I would look on this particular character not as a flaw, but as an asset and use it so. Make it a winning part of you, not a burden. Much love and blessing to you and your kids. Here's to our MOMs.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't get it either. They say that it was all there all along but when you are in recovery you aren't in denial anymore. Well, you still have your sense of humor. I guess we have to face reality. Some of it like losing a child is unbearable but it is reality. I ask myself too why it hasn't gotten better two years after my A moved out. He continues to take care of himself buying this and that oblivious to anyone else unless it makes him look good.
I can relate to your post. I did think it was funny about your A buying his own chest freezer, because it reminded me of what my ex (a dry drunk, never drank ever but had the behavior) did the day I moved out when our divorce was final. We had been married for 13 years, and he was really anti-t.v. Well, our console that we had for many years had been on the blink for the last few years, and he would say, "when it goes out, we really don't need another one." I dreaded the day it went out completely, because we had one car, a small child, and he didn't want me to work, so the tv was something I liked having around for my daughter. The day I moved out, he came home from work (he wanted to help me move the NEXT day, but I went ahead and had friends help me on this day, without his knowledge, which really angered him), and he came by to see our daughter. He told her he wanted her to go outside to his car and see what he had - a NEW T.V.! A big one at that! I had custody of all the stuff out of the house, with his "permission", so he bought his own brand-spanking-new t.v. Go figure. I think he did that to just get at me.
Anyway, at least you are realizing how you're reacting to the A behavior, and I think that's a huge step towards regaining your sanity.
I had an epiphany the other day, lol. I was late for something and I didn't even care, whereas I would have stressed over having to be at least 10 minutes early. The OCD-me would normally just do everything in my power to "follow the rules" (hehe, I know there are many of you laughing at this because it's how YOU are ), but I realized that it didn't matter how "perfect" I am. I realized that I am working the program and am changing, however slight that change may be.
Anyway, glad you posted so you could get all that stuff out of your head.
Oh Luna....I love that you still have a great personality and you can laugh about alot of things, that means the disease hasn't take you down with it. I'm sorry for your mom. I feel very empty without my best friend as well. I don't even have a grave to go to but your mother was right. That's not where they are. You are really putting things into their right perspectives and that's a huge step. I'd be very proud of myself if I were you. I wish I was there to give you a big gigantic hug!! :)
the other day, lol. I was late for something and I didn't even care, whereas I would have stressed over having to be at least 10 minutes early. The OCD-me would normally just do everything in my power to "follow the rules" (hehe, I know there are many of you laughing at this because it's how YOU are 
), but I realized that it didn't matter how "perfect" I am. I realized that I am working the program and am changing, however slight that change may be.