The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I had a good lesson in detachment this week. To recap as you all know I have had a really tumultous relationship with one of my housemates. When I moved in she was very nice to me but at the same time pretty push. She lives with her son who had a terrible accident years ago. He had a major brain injury and is on disabilty. Meantime she works herself into the ground at a very difficult job keeping it all together. She has a very diffiuclt relationship with him. I see a great deal of myself in her. When I first met her I was separated from the A, hollow with loneliness and barely making it. She told me about a job where she works. I'd applired there before but had never been humble enough to go. I'd by then applied everywhere so I went reinforced by her encouragement. I worked there maybe a week before I found something else.
Over time I began to see more and more of my own charactor defects in me in her. It was extremely painful to see her people pleasing and then acting out her resentment. I think she sensed something because she started picking on me. It seemed to me like every time I came home (which is not till late) she was there waiting for me pouncing on me about something. She complained about the way I used the kitchen. She complained that I had glasses she said were hers. I still believe they were mine but I put them back int the communal cupboard anyway. I had a real sense she was dumping on me. Eventually I left her a note on the public board to say stop asking me tor stuff. I got really tired of being picked on. I'd have to say I would never normally have been that direct I would have gone to everyone in the house and been a victim for a good month before I wrote anote. This time I jsut wrote a note and she did stop.
Last night I came home (although the place I live at hardly feels like a home) to find a dresser thrown out the window by her son and all her clothes scattered everywhere. The woman was distraught and there was a real commotion. I didn't say anything. I knew the manager of the building was pretty upset. I didn't say anything to him. Eventually the manager over all the houses came over and I went to ask her about my own receipt for rent. She told me that the son had totally erupted on the mother. She went on to take the mother's side completely. I didn't say much but say that I felt they were all under stress. They had after all taken in a friend who was sleeping on their floor. I didn't offer my opinon about who was right, wrong, what they should do, shouldn't do or whatever.
The manager was totally swayed on the mother's side. The son had taken off. He has a million friends (they are all over during the day) so I am not worreid about where he is.
For me this is huge. I didn't lurch in and offer every recovery resource in the book. I didn't take sides. I didn't get angry. I didn't judge. I didn't feel anything compassion and understanding. I didn't offer a solution. I was absoltuely aware that I am in no way able to take any of this on right now. I am also aware I really need to have incredible boundaries around her. I know she interprets my having boundaries as not liking her. That is far from the case. I like her and empathise with her but that doesn't mean I have much to offer her except maybe some compassion.
As someone who grew up in a family where I was made to fix everything and blamed for everything this is huge for me. I am aware I need to take care of msyelf. I hear it here every day and I can act on that now rather than feel incredibly gulty when anyone but anyone has a need.
At the same time I don't judge, gossip, worry, think I know better than or can fix anyone least of all me.
Maybe this is what recovery is. I konw it felt good last night. I would have felt incredibly awkward normally. I would have been up all night at one time fixing her and then totally enmeshed with her for life. I've been there and done that. Now I'm somewhere else. For me that's sanity. I can be absolutely insane with lack of boundaries and going overboard to help others. I've bene there for years with the A and his vanguard of freinds.
I can't be there anymore. I'm glad to be able to report progress rather than yet another disaster or another poor me catalogue.
LOL a "Poor Me" catalogue!! That is funny and in a slightly uncomfortable kind of way :D
I have a stack of Poor Me catalogues I really should burn or throw away . . .
It was my job as a psych nurse that taught me to recognize the signs of getting enmeshed with others and then to gracefully stay OUT of it. Getting enmeshed with sick people will kill you sooner or later, talk about draining. The flip side is that you are a kind and compassionate person that would like to assist someone in pain. A long time ago my therapist at the time told me that is a wonderful quality, and a beautiful thing. I always thought it was my biggest downfall.
Isn't it wonderful how you just came home, made concerned comments, then peacefully went off to your room? You made that choice and it worked.
For all of us still doing the same old thing, not brave enough yet to try something different, that's an inspiring story, Maresie. You're truly working it! (((((hugs)))))
